Lent post-y

This will be a shorter post than the past ones have been. Super tired.
Yesterday I took a sabbath from posting. Sunday was wonderful. All day long I had the song "What if His People Pray" by Casting Crowns stuck in my heart all day. I thought about the lyrics and the message the song presents and was challenged greatly to really pray. The Father moves when we pray.
Today I went to UMKC with a team from Houston to do some relationship building and ministry. It was lovely. I feel like I'm on the edge of some really great breakthrough in my life. Can't wait! 

When I grow up...

She is dressed up in a pretty blue dress with lacy ruffles on her white socks. Confidently, she walks across the stage to the little microphone stand in front of the big audience. With a sweet, enthusiastic joy in her voice she announces, "When I grow up, I want to be a swimming lesson teacher!"

Of all the things I could be, I chose to announce to the world... err, the parents of the kids at my Christian school's  kindergarten... that I wanted to be a swimming lesson teacher! All my classmates said things like "doctor", "fireman", and "policeman". Smart jobs. Good, sustainable jobs. I aspired to be a mere, slutty (but tan), swimming lesson teacher. Hey, at least I was original right?

Fast forward nearly 20 years later.

I walk into the counseling room of a clinic and there sits a 15 year old girl. She is looking intently with fear filled eyes at two little pink lines on a pregnancy test. She begins to feel her world crash down around her and she begins to drown in the shock, sadness and uncertainty that awaits her in the weeks ahead. She glances up at me with eyes brimming with tears and cries, "I can't do this."

It's my first day at a new job that I have eagerly anticipated beginning. I walk in, unsure if I really have what it takes to do it. Several hours later, the house is trashed, there is blood and tears, and the fire alarm that will not cease. The police arrive, as do the fire fighters, and the ambulance takes one of our own to the hospital. The fire fighter silences the alarm and the police man begins to take statements. No arrests were made that night. No one was injured beyond recovery, physically. Time would tell what damage was done emotionally. The police man looks at me and asks, "Did they prepare you for this in school?"

Today, my reply would be a resounding "Yes!"

I am a swimming lesson teacher.
The doctors, policemen, and fire fighters are definitely necessary, and I hope my classmates followed through on their dreams and aspirations. However, my call in life is to be a swimming lesson teacher.

I have acted as the life guard on many occasions. I have dove in and rescued and resuscitated the drowning. Immediately after the life has flooded back into their eyes though, I begin to teach them to swim.

Life is hard sometimes. Wind pushes you down and the waves pull you under. Lightening strikes, thunder roars, and people get scared. They dive in to pools that are deeper than they expected and panic when they realize their feet can't touch the bottom. The ocean has a way of making people feel really small and helpless.
Life is kinda like the ocean.

It is my joy to teach others to swim through the ocean of change, depression, insecurity, and divorce. It is my joy to swim next to them as they battle waves of addiction, anger, and anxiety. When a wave pulls them under, I am exceedingly pleased to be the hand that pulls them out from under the water. I am so honored to be able to hand others the life preserver of the Gospel and show them the way to Hope.

My name is Joy, and I am a swimming lesson teacher. 

Lent- Day 3- Love Is...

Love.

Almost every person in America knows the Bible's definition of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. It is quoted at nearly every wedding by believers and non-believers alike. In fact, Bible Gateway did a study to see what verses were searched the most in the top 10 countries and 1 Corinthians 13 was #4 in China, #2 in USA, #3 in Brazil, #5 in Bangladesh, #3 in Indonesia, #5 in Japan, and #1 in Russia (these stats here). In 2009, 1 Corinthians 13 was the most- viewed passage on Biblegateway.com (this stat here). In 2012 it was number 8 on that list (look here). By the end of the year last year, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 was number 7 on the charts worldwide. 

As believers we have a really beautiful example of love to follow. In fact, we have the Man named Love, Himself. The Man, Love, fully lived out 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. How can we follow His example? I guess we can look at the definition of love and the Man's life side by side.

Love is:

Patient
Matthew 15:32-34- Even after Jesus fed 5,000 people His disciples still didn't understand that He could do it again with 4,000 people. They were doubtful and confused. Jesus was so patient with them countless times. This is just one time of many. 

Kind
John 5:2-9 Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath who had been sick a long time and had no one to bring him to the pool of healing. He has compassion on people.

Does not envy or boast
Philippians 2:6-9 He does not consider equality with God as something to be grasped. 

Not arrogant - Humble
John 4:7- Jesus asked a samaritan woman for water- This was unheard of in that day because Jewish men did not speak to women, and especially not samaritan women. But Jesus stepped down in humility and offered this woman life abundantly. 

Not rude
Matthew 12:19-21- even when He faced the greatest abuse man has every endured, He did so with gentleness and humility.

 
Does not insist it's own way
Matthew 26:39,42 in the hours before His crucifixion he chose to pray this prayer: "Not my will, but your will be done, Father."

Not irritable
Matthew 20:20-28- Jesus has every right to be irritated at this request, but he chose love instead. He lovingly spoke the truth. 

Not resentful
Luke 23:34- Jesus cried out on the cross, Father forgive the ones who have crucified me, they don't know what they are doing. Beautiful Mercy, Love chose forgiveness, not resentment. 

Does not rejoice at wrong doing but rejoices with the truth
Matthew 18:23-34- Jesus told this parable about forgiveness and truth.

 
Bears all things
Matthew 16:5-12- Again, Jesus was incredibly patient with his disciples through their immaturity and unbelief. 

Believes all things
Mark 9:23 All things are possible for on who believes. Jesus was able to do crazy ridiculous miracles because He believed. We have that same ability if we believe as He did. 

Hopes all things
Matthew 26:29- Jesus took the bread and the cup for the last time with His disciples on earth. He did so while holding on to hope that He would take it once again with them in Heaven. He held on to hope that His blood was enough and grace was enough to carry them to eternity. 

Endures all things
Luke 23- Jesus endured the worst possible betrayal, abuse and death imaginable because we were the joy set before him. Because of us, He endured the cross. He is the most beautiful example of endurance. 

Jesus is the most beautiful picture of love. 1 John 3:16 says: "By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, so we ought to lay down our lives for our friends." Is this definition of love considered when those three little words slip off your lips and into the ear of your most recent crush? Jesus, the Man who is equal with God humbled himself and became a mere human only to die a brutal death to show us His great love.

The words that echo in my heart from the lips of Jesus- 

It. Was. Worth. It.

Lent- Day 2

I've always hated doing laundry. There's nothing fun about it. However, it is a necessary evil. The more I do laundry, the more that I have to do it seems. Wash the clothes, dry the clothes, fold and hang them and oh, wait! by the time I get all of the clothes hung and put away, it's time to start the cycle all over again! It's madness, I tell you!! As I sit here waiting to hear the not so pleasant buzz of the washer telling me it is time to switch the clothes over I wonder if God ever feels this way about me. By the time all my mess has been cleaned and put neatly away, another crisis occurs thus leading to more laundry.
I sometimes feel as though my life has been one big crisis. Every time I turn around there is another pile of junk that I need to sort through with the Lord. Does He get tired of sorting through it all with me?
I'm convinced that he doesn't.
Philippians 1:6 says that He began a good work in me and He is faithful to carry it out to completion
Exodus 34:6 says The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Psalm 98:3 says He has remembered His steadfast love and faithfulness to the house of Israel. All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God.
Romans 3:3 says what if some were unfaithful? Does their faithlessness nullify the faithfulness of God?
I am convince that He doesn't get fed up with my drama. I am convinced that He is more than willing and ready to work through it with me. I am convinced that even in the messiest part He longs to get down in the mess with me, pick me up, clean me off and love me tenderly. I am convinced that He is faithful and good.
When I have my doubts, I am reminded of His faithful love for Israel. How many times did they wander away only to be lovingly drawn back and cleaned up by a good, gracious, and merciful God?
He is close to the brokenhearted. He binds up their wounds. He isn't afraid of the oozing, gooey, infected mess in my heart. It doesn't turn him away. He reaches in and gently cleans out the infection and brings healing and life to every broken, wounded area. How beautiful is this God?!

Lent- Day 1

Ash Wednesday ushers in the Lenten season. With that comes people "giving up" an assortment of things for Religious reasons in hope to make themselves a better, holier Christian. They seek to mimic Christ's 40 days in the wilderness and prepare themselves for the resurrection of Christ.

However, I'm not sure how Biblical Lent actually is. Read more here.  I am still doing research.

Despite my questions about the roots and validity of this religious practice, I found myself wondering what I was going to give up for Lent. I've never practiced this before. I have always written it off as something that only Catholics do, since that's what I was taught as a child. Many people give up, or fast; meat, media, sweets, coffee, cursing, Facebook, shopping, or even other people/relationships. They give up something that takes up time, causes them to sin, or has been placed before God in their life. My search for something to give up led me to what I feel like is a beautiful challenge from the Lord. 

Our Father challenged me to "take up" rather than "give up" for Lent. 

"What does that look like?" I asked. His reply was odd at first. He lovingly spoke that my words have power and are good. He reminded me that I am worth being heard. The words of my mouth flow from my heart and they are good. He challenged me to rather than giving up something that I do, to take up something new to do. He directed me here. 

It is my goal and commitment to join Him in "taking up" sharing my thoughts, my words, and my heart for this season. I plan to post daily a few lines from my heart. What that looks like, I don't fully know; but I pray for grace to communicate clearly with vulnerability the things that are in my heart to share. I have a good, clean, pure, happy heart that pours out good, worthy, powerful, refreshing words from a deep, fresh well that the Father has dug and I have cultivated. 

Care to join me on this adventure?

Where do I begin? I feel like I get in bed at night and all the things that I want to blog about flood my mind... until I sit up to start blogging and I can't think of a single thing. Sure, there are tons of things that I could share and actually, really want to share, but I want to share them tactfully and eloquently and that just isn't happening right now.

My transition to Kansas City has been wild. 

It's been hard.

Fun.

Scary.

Crazy.

Emotional.

Funny.

and overwhelming.

I have a lot to process through, and typically I would process through it here, but some of it I'm not sure I want to post online for the whole world to read. Let's just say this week has been intense. And it started with this beautiful discovery about my move here.

Let's rewind, ok?

In 2008 I began to dream about moving to KC. In August of last year, I decided that I would move to KC in June 2014. A couple months down the road, I really felt that I needed to go ahead and move in January. Which is what I did and now, here I am. 

Who moves north in the middle of winter? Who does that?! Me. This Louisiana girl who had never seen real snow. She packs up her life and moves to Missouri in the middle of a very snowy winter. What is the wisdom in that? I don't know how to drive in cold weather? After I got here, all of Louisiana shut down because they had a couple snow flakes. Insanity for sure. 

But I knew that I was supposed to move in January. So I did.

Here I am now. In KC. Surrounded by snow and negative temperatures. I bought snow boots and huge coats. I've put salt on the driveway. I've slid in ice. Here I am in winter snow.  

I got to sit at my window and watch snow fall for a couple hours the other day. I just sat and watched. Snow does something to you. Sure, it's pretty and cold. It makes your nose turn pink and your fingers go numb. But it really does something to you.

Snow ushers in a newness, a brightness and a lightness that I haven't experienced in any other element. 

Growing up in Louisiana, I experienced a lot of rain, and sure that cleanses, but it's no where near what snow does for your surroundings. 

Snow gently sings a song over creation. 

Jonathan and Melissa Helser wrote a beautiful song called "Sing Winter" 

I would encourage you to buy it if you don't have it already.

This is the blog written about the song as well as a video of the song being played. 

There is a line in the song that says this:

Can I fall like glory, to wash your year away

All that remains was, really meant to stay. 

Woah. 

This is the reason that I moved to KC in the middle of winter. Those two lines. 

My year needed a good washing. It needed a beautiful redemption. I needed a covering of grace that only snow could offer. 

Winter brings a deadness and barrenness that often times is frowned upon. Who loves a dead looking tree? But what you see in the winter is the most important part. In every other season, leaves of gold and red, flowers of white and pink are celebrated. Birds sing cheerfully as eggs hatch in tight woven nests. But in winter, you see the most beautiful, glorious part of creation. The tree. The trunk and branches that bear the weight of the fruit and creation are spread wide. The strong, steady goodness. The support. The life of the tree is exposed. Winter, snow, sings accolades to the barren but beautiful tree. After winter, all that remains was really meant to stay. 

With each season new birds and blossoms are born. But with each season they also fail. 

But the tree remains. The tree remains season in and season out. The tree is steady, stable. 

I moved to KC in the winter because I needed for everything else in my life, all the fluff to fall away. 

The birds singing in my branches were great fun, but I needed a good washing. 

I have said goodbye to two relationships since being here. Both of them were wonderful friendships. I am sure one of them will come back in the near future. But the fact is, that friendship, even though it was good, is just a bird. Birds are necessary for trees to thrive in the long run, but for this winter, they need to migrate south. 

I have had the hardest year of my life. It has been one of the most painful years. Winter is washing that away for me. I look out in my year and I still have near knee deep snow. I know that because of that snow, I will have a beautiful lawn this summer. I have seen the barrenness. I will celebrate the beauty of the barrenness. However, because I have seen the barrenness, I will more greatly appreciate the beauty of the blossom when it comes.  

The Father is a strong, steady tree. He doesn't get swayed by the winds that blow. He isn't weighed down by the snow. 

I am an oak who has endured many storms, but I still sway from time to time. I still get scared sometimes when my leaves have fallen and the wind blows. I know that the Father created me to be strong and steady, just like Him. I am learning not to fear the winter. Each season has glories of its own. 

Winter, Sing your song over me. 

Things I learned from a 3 week relationship

Many people would call me crazy when they found out I decided to enter into a relationship with a man four weeks before I moved 14 hours away.

And maybe I was.
Maybe I still am.

But I can confidently say that during those three weeks, I learned more about Jesus than I did in years of discipleship combined. I gazed into the heart of Jesus during those three, short, fun weeks. I can't even begin to describe the work that was done in my heart because I chose to make a seemingly unwise, but prayerful decision. All I know is I met with Jesus, face to face and heart to heart.

I met Blake when I was in seventh grade. He was in eighth, and of course, I was thrilled when he asked me to dance at the middle school dance. I remember walking on sunshine for days after that dance! 

However, time went on, I transferred to a private school and communication ceased. I more or less forgot about him. 

Six years later, I get a friend request on Facebook with a message from Blake. We eventually exchanged numbers and chatted here and there. Blake invited me several times to "hang out or something" and I always made myself busy because if I was going on a "date" it needed to be planned in advance and I wouldn't settle for it any other way. Soon enough, the stars aligned and I said yes to going bowling. 

A lot of other things happened around this same time that aren't worth mentioning, however, it ended with me bluntly telling Blake to delete my number and I was deleting his. 

Over the next three years, I would receive a text here and there from him. He was always kind and gracious. He was very understanding and gentle. Blake was relentless. However, I remained ruthless in pushing him away. I am so thankful for the grace and mercy of Jesus during that time because I was ruthless. 

In the last couple months we began to chat again. We saw a couple movies together and ultimately decided that we were willing to give a more-than-friends relationship a chance on December 7. 

Only after I tried to push him away and scare him off a couple more times... Relentless I tell you!!!!

Here I sit, January 2, reflecting back on the beauty of the last three weeks. I am sure that I sobbed every day the first week and a half as a result of the work that Father was doing in my heart. 

The first movie that Blake and I saw together (with some other friends) was Frozen. Frozen is likely my new favorite movie. The theme of the movie is basically one of selfless love healing the frozen, hardened heart. It was during that time that one of the biggest truths overwhelmed me. I am worth loving. Not just worth God loving, but I am worth a man loving me. I always lived in fear that I would never be good enough to be in a relationship. That lie was quickly dissolved, which led to my being willing to give Blake a chance. 

From December 7 till now, I am still overwhelmed that throughout three years of ruthless rejection, Blake still wanted to be my friend. How much more does Father long for us with relentless, passionate love, despite our efforts to push him away! How deep the Father's love for us! I did nothing to deserve Blake's friendship or pursuit, and did everything to hurt him; but he still called me worthy. I have done nothing, in all my effort to be "good enough" for God, to deserve His affections, but He calls me Beloved. He sings over me with the refrain of my name, Loved One, Beloved.
This revelation brings me to tears nearly every time I think about it.

I had many, many fears about this relationship. Many fears. I like to have everything under control and everything make sense. I fought and fought with the idea of a possibly dead-end relationship. What was I thinking?! I don't possibly see a longterm future with this man. Why the heck! am I doing this?? ... These were daily battles I faced in my head. I knew that I had peace in my heart about it, but my head couldn't make sense of that! And don't even get me started on what others were asking and the opinions they were giving! Blake was so gracious with me. He assured me that he only wanted my best. He told me over and over that if I didn't want to go on, that he understood and that I could say the word at any moment. I knew that. I knew that he wanted the best for me. I knew that he was not being fake or selfish. I believed with everything in me that he genuinely was for my good. Blake was so gracious, merciful and compassionate. Just like the Father is. Father fights for our good. He is gracious with our struggle. He isn't afraid of our doubt or insecurity. He is big enough to handle our mistrust. Blake showed me what a real man is like. He cared for my heart above his desires. He guarded my heart well. I've been surrounded by men who just selfishly use others for their advantage. Blake wasn't like that. I could tell that he could be trusted. I knew that my heart was safe because he was fully surrendered to the Father, just like I am.

This past Sunday, we had our last date. Bowling. Funny that it ended the same way it began. He's a much better bowler than I am, but don't tell him I said that. ;-) Afterwards, we talked over dinner. I simply asked if we were making a mistake. I asked what we would do in January. After talking about it for a bit, we decided that it was best to just be friends. I knew that I would be unable to do the long distance thing and I wasn't even sure if I would ever move back to Louisiana. Again, Blake was more than gracious. I have taken this man back and forth, up and down over the years, but still, Grace is all he showed me.

Our relationship was high school boyfriend type short, but packed with beautiful gifts straight to my heart from the Father. To me, it doesn't matter if it was a wise decision or not, I know that it was the right decision. I will never doubt that. I know that the Father gifted me with the last three weeks to do a deep work in my heart that has been long overdue.

Lastly, I know that one day I will have a wonderful husband.
But, even more so, I know with everything in me, Blake will have a beautiful, gracious, loving, incredible wife. I know that God has a truly amazing woman for him because he is such a good gift. Blake reflects the heart of his Father, God. He looks just like Jesus. I have been greatly blessed, my life has been enriched, and my heart refreshed by the short time that I had with him.