Winter's Rest

Gentle Winter
You whisper sweetly in my ear
Your wind refreshes my soul and brings healing to my heart
Winter, you bring me such peace

Fall is gone
Summer is just a memory
Winter has come to rest

Back home, winter means rain
Soggy, yucky, wet days
Being wet and cold is so different than just being cold
I never loved winter at home

I have seen the beauty in winter
I have felt the peace that winter brings
I have experienced winter's rest

Winter, have your way in me
Sing me your song
Teach me your dance
Bring me into your rest

The Hope that Winter Brings

The last leaves have fallen to the ground

Dry and brown, they crunch beneath children's feet

Tree branches look like fingers stretching, pointing to the sky

It's clear the direction the wind blew all summer, the branches are all twisted that way

Really, it kind of excites my heart to see

The sky is grey, the ground cold

Summer is over

Flocks of geese fly in perfect v's

Winter is here

Oh, the joy

Oh, the peace

Oh, the stillness that winter brings

The holidays are busy

Hurried people

Grumpy cashiers

Giggling children

Traffic

Oh, the traffic

Winter is here

Winter

Oh, the joy

Oh, the peace

Oh, the stillness that winter brings

Winter reveals what other seasons hide

The fluff is gone

All is still

All is sleeping

What remains

Steady

Stable

Secure

Structure

What is seen

Strength

Dignity

Truth

The tree weathers the blizzard

The branches bare, bear the weight of the snow

The quiet moments

The stillness

Winter

Stillness

Hearts can hear the flicker of the fire burning

Flames dance in each heart

Peace fills each soul

Quiet

Listen

Oh, the joy

Oh, the peace

Oh, the stillness that winter brings

The trees may sleep

but the fire, oh, the fire

This is the hope that winter brings

The Winter in the Oak

Strong Oak,
Your roots reach deep
Your bark is weathered from the seasons
Your leaves have fallen to the ground and you feel so bare
You fear the cold. You fear the judgmental glances towards your naked branches.
Every flaw in your bark is exposed for the world to see.

As the cold wind rushes through your branches, you shudder and covet the pine, the evergreen, who keeps his green throughout the year.

If only I were more like him. I would be welcomed into homes on the coldest of winter nights.
Children would adorn my branches with all that glitters and families would sing round my whole.
I would want for nothing.
I would be beautiful.

But you Oak, you are strong and wide.
You have seen many seasons. You have weathered many storms.
The wind has blown. The freeze has come and gone and come again.
And still, here you stand.

Lovers have carved their initials in your bark
Boys have climbed your branches
Little girls have squealed with delight as they swing back and forth
Families sit on a quilt in the shade that your branches yield

You don't realize your strength or your beauty. You don't see your majesty and grace.
Your roots reach deep, your branches stretch tall and wide. Your bark tells the story of the battles you have fought.  Your rings sing the song of the victories have won.

You, great oak, are strong.

Though your branches are bare, there is a beauty that winter brings.
Embrace this season as you did the last.

You are strong.

Trust Without Borders

At the beginning of this year, I heard Papa tell me that he was taking me to a place where my trust would be without borders. There have been many times in this season where I have sat back and said, "Yeesh! God, you weren't kidding!" I have lost count of the number of times that I have looked to my Father and said, "I trust you, that's all I can do here".

Here I sit again.

Abba, I trust you. 

I don't know what you are doing, but I trust you.

Trust

A belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

An assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

One in which confidence is placed

Dependence on something future or contingent: Hope

A charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship

Something committed or entrusted to one to be used r cared for in the interest of another

Care, custody

A hope is more than resolve, and it is based on trust in a divine faithfulness that operates not only within history, but also beyond history.-John Polkinghorne

I told Abba that I trusted wholly and completely. Tonight I sit here and that "Yes" to Him echoes. It rings loudly and clearly in my heart. I declare it loud and proud once again. YES.

I do not doubt the goodness of my Father.

Not too long ago I did. I knew He was good, but my heart was overwhelmed and I grew afraid and doubted, as Peter did when he saw the waves. I feared and panicked as the disciples did when their little boat was taking on water and the Master was sleeping peacefully.

But I have seen time and time again the faithfulness of God. I have looked upon the the faithfulness of a really good dad. So while I do not know what He is doing or how He is going to provide in this situation, I know that he will provide. I know that He can be trusted.

I do not regret a single step I have taken with my Father.
I do not regret a single time that I have trusted.
That I have relied.
That I have depended.
That I have said "yes".

He has never once let me down.

He has never once failed to come through.

He has never left me unsatisfied.

Empty.

Lacking.

Wanting.

Alone.

He always comes through.

He always amazes.

He always is faithful.

He never gets tired of providing.

He never gets bored with me.

He never refuses to come through.

He never breaks a promise.

I will say "yes" every day for the rest of my life.
No matter the circumstances.
No matter the sacrifice.
No matter what fear hangs over me.
No matter what popular opinion screams.
No matter what peers think.
No matter what family says.

I will say "yes" to my King because He cannot fail.
He is the only one who truly has my best interest in heart.
I have nothing to offer Him.
He does not benefit from anything that I do.
He has no selfish ambition.
He truly, completely wants my good.
My good brings Him glory.
Me thriving glorifies Him and points to His goodness and faithfulness.

My trust has no borders. There is nothing limiting it or enclosing it in. I trust Him in all areas.

Financially.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Relationally.

I am a zero resistance zone to His work in my life.

How can I trust Him in this way?

How can you trust Him in this way?

The Holy Spirit lives inside of me.
The Holy Spirit never doubts the goodness and faithfulness of God.
The Spirit inside of me trusts wholly.
I trust wholly.

I have seen His goodness in the land of the living (time and time again).
He doesn't change. Yesterday, today, and forever- He is the same.

Since He came through last time, He will come through again.
Since He was faithful last month when I needed a roommate, He will be faithful this month.
Since He provided when I needed a job in April, He will provide again.
Since He answered when I has no where else to turn, He will answer again.

My God does not change.

My God does not fail.

My God does not disappoint.

My God rests in the middle of storms.

I will join Him on that pillow below deck. I can hear the wind and the waves pummeling my ship; so I think it's time for a nap. 

The only storms you have authority over are the ones that you can rest in. 

Letter Series: A letter to the one who was hurt by the Church

Precious you,

Yes, I am writing to you. This is for you. 

I am so sorry. Your hurt is valid. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I  told you that you are dirty. I told you that you didn’t belong. I told you that you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, or spiritual enough. I shut down your questions because they assaulted my ego. I shattered your dreams because they made you look better than me. I expected more from you than I could muster from my own maturity. I called you names. I laughed at your hurts. I told you to get over real wounds without offering any assistance. You came to me seeking love and acceptance, and I pushed you away. I rejected you. Thus, I proved to you what you feared all along-that God rejects you. I taught you that you couldn’t do enough to please God. I repeatedly showed you that you weren’t welcome in God’s group. I manipulated you into doing things that you didn’t want to do. I withheld attention when you didn’t do as I wished. I compared you to others. I used fear as a motivator to cause you to do or stop doing things that didn’t please me. I rebuked you when it wasn’t my place to rebuke. I corrected you when you didn’t need correction. I demanded respect when I didn’t earn it. And I required trust, though I let you down time and time again. I controlled you and abused you. I didn’t have to say anything, you knew from the look in my eye that I was disappointed. I required you to prove yourself to me without me ever doing anything to show I cared for you in the least bit.

I am so intensely, deeply, incredibly sorry.
I was so wrong.
You deserve to be angry.
You should run away from all that I showed you.
Run far away from my teachings.
You shouldn’t serve a god who is like that.
I am so sorry.
Please forgive me.

I know that it’s hard.

I know you don’t want to forgive me. 

I surely don’t deserve your forgiveness.

But if you could find it within your heart to forgive me and hear me out one last time, it would mean so much to me. 

You are perfect just the way you are. God is not and never has been angry or disappointed in you. You are good enough. You are beautiful and feminine. You are strong, handsome, and masculine. You are not dirty. You belong. Your dreams are wonderful! Dream them! Live them. Follow your heart; it’s not going to lie to you. Your emotions are wonderful and were created by a really good, glad Father. Your hurts are valid. Your struggles are nothing to be ashamed of. You are so loved. You are worth extravagant love. You are good enough. The Father delights in you. He accepts you. You are not rejected. I know you have been assaulted with abuse and lies from the church, from me, but please don’t hold on to them. We were wrong. I was wrong. The god I preached to you doesn’t exist. The father that I created in your mind deserves death, not love. That is not Christianity. That is not your Father. Your Father is good. Your Father is loving. Your Father is so gentle and kind. What I taught you is none of that. Please, don’t run from a Father who loves you wildly because of me. The god I taught you is not God at all. Please, give the real, true, God of Love a chance.

I know Him now. 

He is better than your wildest imaginations.

Never an afterthought

Something that has been wrecking me lately is the reality of being on the front of the Father’s mind. I have never been an afterthought. I have never been on the back burner. I was never a “screw-it-I’ll-give-her-a-chance” to Father. He has never once forgotten about me. He has never once wanted to exchange me for something better.

From the dawn of creation, He has had absolutely everything that you could imagine. He created everything that you could imagine to bring pleasure to anyone anywhere. He created the sun, moon, and stars. He knows the depth of the seas and the height of the skies. He dances on the clouds, and frolics through fields of wildflowers. He looks out over valleys from the heights of mountain peaks. He lays beside trickling springs and rumbling oceans. He has it all.

Yet,

He. Adopted. Me. 

I am His prized possession. I am the one whom he directs all His affection upon.

The way He purchased me gives proof to my value to Him. I wasn’t a flippant purchase.

He thought long and hard. Charts and graphs, pros and cons. He sorted through it all. He knew me fully. He examined my heart. He examined my nature. He knew my tendency to wander. He knew my weaknesses. And still he said, “I want her”. His choosing of me echoes. His delight over me ripples. He sings over me in my sleep; He dances over me in my wake.

He lavishes extravagant love on me. Forever. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him to return me to my former state. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him that I am not worthy. He has never once regretted purchasing me with the precious blood of Jesus. I have never depreciated in value. I have never been a burden to Him. He is wildly obsessed with me.

I. 

Delight. 

My. 

Maker. 

And so do you.

Values: Loyalty

Today I want to continue my values series with the third value that I have esteemed highly in my life- loyalty. If you haven't gotten a chance to read the first to values I wrote about you can do so here for Kingdom Family and here for Raw Authenticity.  Though these are not valued in order, I feel they go hand in hand in my life and reading them all will give a better picture of my heart. 

I did an internship several years back called 220i. During that season, my favorite class was loyalty. I was taught so much about what it meant to be loyal. While some of what I learned was inaccurate (as most teachings from imperfect people are), this class gave verbiage to much of what I had felt my entire life. I have always held loyalty at a high place, close to my heart. Sometimes, I have held it in such a high place that I have caused myself extra pain because of it. I have held on to friendships that were hurtful because I am loyal in friendship. I have held on to jobs well past burnout and wisdom because I didn't want to cause a company or ministry a burden, and did want to break a self-assumed-and-created contract. I don't let go of relationships until I know they are over with out any doubt. I don't break promises. If I tell one person that I will maybe show up at a hang out later I will not hang out with anyone else that day if I don't go to the first person's hang out.

I value loyalty.

I am devoted to friends. I am faithful to friends.

I am loyal to my country. I love being an American. Maybe it's because of being raised in a family that is patriotic. Maybe it is because many of my family members have served terms overseas. Maybe it's because I have traveled all around the world since I was very young. Whatever the reason, I have a loyalty to my country. Do I think this country's leadership is perfect? No. Do I feel devoted to this country? Yes.

On a total side note- I am still thinking about enlisting in the AirForce.

I am loyal to my Father. I am devoted to His word. I am faithfully in love with Him. I do not think about how I can shirk time with Him. I don't think of ways to partially obey. I am devoted to Him. I want nothing more than to serve Him and His will, knowing that I am His dream and His will. 

When I think of loyalty, two examples always come to mind. The first is David and Jonathan. The second is Ruth and Naomi. These two friendships challenge me more than I can describe. 

I ask myself frequently if I am able to say "Where you go, I will go, even if it means I never get married". Am I able to say "I am with you till the very end, glory or no glory, joy or no joy"?

My prayer is this- Lord, cause me to decrease, so that you can increase. It's not about me. It is about you. Form in me a heart that is devoted to you alone.