He knows the Stars...

There is so much going on that I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to even begin to explain what is going on in my heart in this season. I started reading this fantastic book. It's called You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth. It is wrecking me. It talks about how we don't have to do more or be more to be good enough for God. We are enough. As women I think that sometimes we feel like we have to be perfect and do everything right and if we don't then God doesn't love us. We constantly compare ourselves to others and berate ourselves when we feel like we don’t measure up. I know that I have even felt like God is comparing me to other people. God is up in heaven and leans over to Jesus and says something like “Joy sure doesn’t love me as much as her friend does.” Or “Joy is not using her gifts as good as that one is.” But the Truth is that God fully delights in me. He doesn’t compare us to each other. So why should we compare ourselves to anyone else? He says we are enough.

I am learning what it means to be enough.

Recently I decided that I was going to just step out of every thing that I have be working in. I decided that I needed a break. I had been neglecting my relationship with the Lord and was tired. I wanted to just have a season of REST. I have been so busy doing that I had began to burn out... bad. 

What I have learned about rest is that it's not about not doing anything and sleeping all day. That's not the kind of rest that my heart longs for. (However, I do love sleep!) The kind of rest that I have been needing can be explained in this little acronym... (and yes, I came up with this one by myself!)

Relationship- stop striving, realize that He's got it under control. I don't have to DO anything for him to love me. Things will not spiral out of control if I take a minute to relax and respond to His love for me.

Enjoy- life with Jesus is fun, not burdensome. Pursue things that make my heart happy.

Surrender- I don't have to bear His burden.

Trust- He has never failed me. I can trust that he has it. Rest isn't scary. 

I am learning what it means to rest

God is an emotional God. He is not some emotionless being that looks at us and is numb to our emotions. He isn't afraid of our strong emotions. I am deeply emotional. He is deeply emotional. We read throughout the Bible that God has strong emotions. He is a God who laughs. But he is also a God who weeps. He gets angry. But he restores with his compassionate love. He is not turned away by our emotions. He wants us to feel. If He didn't want us to have emotions or if her expected us to hide them all the time he wouldn't have given them to us! It is okay to not be okay sometimes. 

I am so guilty of being "good" all the time. In the book that I talked about earlier there is an entire chapter on emotions. It has completely turned my view on emotions upside down. 

I am learning that emotions are good

Relationship with God isn't about what we can do. How many chapters we read in our Bible or how many girls we bring to a youth service. That's religion. Relationship is about quality, not quantity. Honestly I have spent more time with God in the 3 minutes of, "Crap God, I don't know what to do right now. I am so overwhelmed!" than I have in hours of searching the Bible for a fix-all scripture. God just wants us. He wants our hearts. 

I am learning what it means to be intimate with the Lord

An 11 mile journey took the Israelites 40 years. The majority of that time was spent waiting. In my life right now, I find myself being told to wait. I hate being told to wait. I have learned that just because God is telling me to wait it doesn't mean that He is punishing me. Waiting isn't a punishment. When I wait I have the chance to rest. When I wait, I have the chance to HEAL. Healing is something that I am experiencing a lot of right now. Healing isn't always enjoyable. Think back to a time when you were a child and you fell in the gravel and skinned your knee. You mom, being the loving mother that she is, scooped you up and sat you on the counter. She may have even kissed it to make it better. But her healing touch didn't stop there. She grabbed a bottle of peroxide and a towel, maybe some warm soapy water and she began to clean out the dirt and bits of rock. I don't know about anyone else, but when that was happening to me I was sure my mom was trying to kill me! In my mind there was NO WAY that she was making anything better! What I didn't know at the time (and refused to believe it when my mom told me) was that without that pain, healing wouldn't occur. Holley wrote this in her book and it left me in a heap of tears and snot on the floor in my room- "If I wash your feet, will I not wash your wounds?" Jesus wants to reach in and wipe out all the dirt and rocks. Jesus want to take his loving hands and wash our wounds. He is gentle with it. But we have to choose to drop our guard, remove the bandaid we have placed over the infection and let Him clean them out. We have to choose to drop our guard and let him heal, or continue to guard our hurts and allow the infection to settle in deeper. It's scary. I still flinch when I see the bottle of peroxide... but I know it's for my own good.

I am learning that waiting is not a punishment. 

I am learning that Jesus WANTS to heal my brokenness.

He is a good God. He is a real God. He knows the stars. I had a collision with God the other day during worship. I was very overwhelmed. I had a rough week. There was a lot going on. But I connected with the Lord for the first time in a while. Really connected with Him. As I stood there weeping, I heard the Lord say "I know the stars." Now that's the last thing you want to hear when you are wondering if God even cares about what is going on in your life. But in that moment the thing I didn't want to hear was the thing that I needed to hear. Those few words remind me how real He is. How good He is. God knows the stars. Trillions and trillions and trillions... He knows which ones are about to go out. He knows which ones are about to be born. He knows the names, the sizes and the locations of all of the stars. If He knows all of that... the glitter of the Universe... then wouldn't he also know the ones who he created for fellowship with Him?! He knows me. Fully. 

I am learning that He knows the stars. 

In progress...

There was a little girl named Leehi*. She loved her father very much. She loved to see him smile. His smile was warm and could be felt from miles away. She loved to hear his laugh. His laugh would fill the room with joy. She found great satisfaction in serving him. She would have given anything to make him happy and see him smile. Leehi and her father had an amazing relationship. She enjoyed talking with him. She told him everything. They would laugh and play. Leehi loved it when he picked her up and twirled her around. Nothing could separate them. The bond they had was strong.
As the years went on, Leehi began to grow older and made more friends. She still loved her father, but she loved her social life too. She wanted to explore the world. She was curious about what all life had to offer. She decided to pack her bag and set off on an adventure. She explored many countries of the world. She loved her new friends and all the fun things they introduced her to. She enjoyed staying out late and trying new things. Her friends led her to many new places. She began to try things she had never experienced before. Things that she knew her father wouldn't approve of. The kind of things she had been warned about by her father. She knew it was wrong, but she thought,

 "Oh, I'll just do it this once. It's not a big deal. What could it hurt anyway?" 

She soon learned how wrong she was to think that.  

She was quickly sucked in to these new, bad things. She found her self addicted and alone. Her friends left her. She had no one to turn to. 

So she hid. 

Alone.

Scared.

Addicted.

Lost.

She thought back to her childhood. When she felt safe. 

When she was loved.

She remembered dancing with her father. 

She missed him.

Yes. She missed him more than words could describe.

"How could I ever go back?"

"I have messed up so bad." 

"I don't even look the same."

"I am dirty."

"I left him...even after he warned me... I still did all these things."

"He is disappointed in me."

"How could he not be disappointed in me?"

"Look what I have done..."

"Maybe he will give me one more chance... maybe..."

"I don't know if I even remember the way back home though..."

These are the thoughts that flooded her mind. Day after day. Finally she got up the nerve to try to journey back home to her father. Fearing that he might never love her again, she anxiously made her way back home. She knew that all she had to do was knock and her father would let her in... but would he love her? She decided that she would do whatever it took to make him love her again. 

When she saw her father, tears streamed down her face. 

He embraced her. 

He spun her around. 

He held her.

He wiped the tears from her cheeks.

He cleaned her up.

Gave her new clothes.

He smiled at her.

Would it last?

After she told him all the things she did, would he still smile at her?

Days went by. Leehi and her dad spent time together. He told her how much he missed her. How glad he was for her to be back. He told her he loved her.

She didn't believe it.

After all she had done, how could he love her?

So she began to work.

She labored day in and day out. She did everything she knew how to do plus more. 

She strived to make him happy. She wanted to give him the best she could.

She worked.

And worked.

And worked.

She tired herself out.

But kept working.

All the while her father just wanted her. He just wanted to be with her. He loved HER. Yes, her working was helpful, but that's not what he was pleased with. He may have had his daughter back... but he still missed her. He missed the times they had once shared. He missed her being delighted in him. He missed being able to just lavish his love on her. She wouldn't let him. He saw that she felt she was unworthy of his love. He knew the weight of the guilt she carried and it broke his heart. Wanting her to realize who she is, he wrote her a letter. When he was finished, he folded the letter and put it in an envelope and placed it on her pillow.

That night, as she lay down to sleep, she found the letter. She opened it and through tears she read...

Daughter,

You have been mine from the beginning. I have always loved you. 

I have seen you grow. I have seen you learn. Yes, you have made mistakes. But you are not the sum of your mistakes. 

You are beautiful. You are mine. I love you. 

I don't want your efforts. I don't want your work.

 I want you.

Don't you know who you belong to?

 Me.

 Nothing can change that. 

You can do the most horrible things in the world and I will still love you. 

Nothing will change my love for you.

 Stop carrying the guilt. Stop trying to gain my approval.

Just rest. 

Take a break. 

Sit with me.

I miss you. 

Your name says it all. YOU ARE MINE. 

There is nothing you can do to change that. Stop trying to earn my love.

It is impossible for me to love you any more than I do right now.

I will never leave you. You don't have to strive to make me pleased with you... I am already absolutely in love with you. 

You please me more than life itself. 

You give me great joy.

I delight in you.

Stop working. Just be with me. 

I don't want your work.

I want you.

I love you. 

-Daddy

 That weight was lifted from her shoulders as she realized how much her father really did love her. She ran to him. She forgot about being tired. She knew that perfect rest was in her father's arms. She melted into his arms and wept. He held her close and whispered, "I love you just because you are mine."

*She is mine


How often do I try to prepare a gift for God when all he really wants is me? I am so guilty of trying to work for his approval. I don't understand why I think that his love can be earned. I know it can't, but I still find myself working for him rather than simply loving him.
Jesus, help me rest knowing that you love me because I am yours. Help me find a balance between serving and loving. You are not my soccer coach. You will not kick me off the team if I can't "get it right." You are not my employer. You are my husband. You just want me.