Never an afterthought

Something that has been wrecking me lately is the reality of being on the front of the Father’s mind. I have never been an afterthought. I have never been on the back burner. I was never a “screw-it-I’ll-give-her-a-chance” to Father. He has never once forgotten about me. He has never once wanted to exchange me for something better.

From the dawn of creation, He has had absolutely everything that you could imagine. He created everything that you could imagine to bring pleasure to anyone anywhere. He created the sun, moon, and stars. He knows the depth of the seas and the height of the skies. He dances on the clouds, and frolics through fields of wildflowers. He looks out over valleys from the heights of mountain peaks. He lays beside trickling springs and rumbling oceans. He has it all.

Yet,

He. Adopted. Me. 

I am His prized possession. I am the one whom he directs all His affection upon.

The way He purchased me gives proof to my value to Him. I wasn’t a flippant purchase.

He thought long and hard. Charts and graphs, pros and cons. He sorted through it all. He knew me fully. He examined my heart. He examined my nature. He knew my tendency to wander. He knew my weaknesses. And still he said, “I want her”. His choosing of me echoes. His delight over me ripples. He sings over me in my sleep; He dances over me in my wake.

He lavishes extravagant love on me. Forever. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him to return me to my former state. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him that I am not worthy. He has never once regretted purchasing me with the precious blood of Jesus. I have never depreciated in value. I have never been a burden to Him. He is wildly obsessed with me.

I. 

Delight. 

My. 

Maker. 

And so do you.

Values: Loyalty

Today I want to continue my values series with the third value that I have esteemed highly in my life- loyalty. If you haven't gotten a chance to read the first to values I wrote about you can do so here for Kingdom Family and here for Raw Authenticity.  Though these are not valued in order, I feel they go hand in hand in my life and reading them all will give a better picture of my heart. 

I did an internship several years back called 220i. During that season, my favorite class was loyalty. I was taught so much about what it meant to be loyal. While some of what I learned was inaccurate (as most teachings from imperfect people are), this class gave verbiage to much of what I had felt my entire life. I have always held loyalty at a high place, close to my heart. Sometimes, I have held it in such a high place that I have caused myself extra pain because of it. I have held on to friendships that were hurtful because I am loyal in friendship. I have held on to jobs well past burnout and wisdom because I didn't want to cause a company or ministry a burden, and did want to break a self-assumed-and-created contract. I don't let go of relationships until I know they are over with out any doubt. I don't break promises. If I tell one person that I will maybe show up at a hang out later I will not hang out with anyone else that day if I don't go to the first person's hang out.

I value loyalty.

I am devoted to friends. I am faithful to friends.

I am loyal to my country. I love being an American. Maybe it's because of being raised in a family that is patriotic. Maybe it is because many of my family members have served terms overseas. Maybe it's because I have traveled all around the world since I was very young. Whatever the reason, I have a loyalty to my country. Do I think this country's leadership is perfect? No. Do I feel devoted to this country? Yes.

On a total side note- I am still thinking about enlisting in the AirForce.

I am loyal to my Father. I am devoted to His word. I am faithfully in love with Him. I do not think about how I can shirk time with Him. I don't think of ways to partially obey. I am devoted to Him. I want nothing more than to serve Him and His will, knowing that I am His dream and His will. 

When I think of loyalty, two examples always come to mind. The first is David and Jonathan. The second is Ruth and Naomi. These two friendships challenge me more than I can describe. 

I ask myself frequently if I am able to say "Where you go, I will go, even if it means I never get married". Am I able to say "I am with you till the very end, glory or no glory, joy or no joy"?

My prayer is this- Lord, cause me to decrease, so that you can increase. It's not about me. It is about you. Form in me a heart that is devoted to you alone. 

Letter Series: To the Middle Schooler

This is letter two in the Letter Series. To read letter one click here.

Dear middle school girl,

Middle school-aka- hell.

Middle school is quite possibly the most painful, confusing time in a girl's life. You aren't an adult and you are hardly a child anymore. You feel like you have to prove so much to so many, and other middle schoolers can be real jerks. No one really knows who they are, but they think they know who you should be. You forget that it is okay to still be a kid. You forget that you actually don't have all the answers. You do not have to have it all together. You are still figuring out so much. You don't know who you are yet. There are so many changes going on all around you- internal and external.

There is so much that I wish you knew. I wish I could run to you and hold you in the tightest, warmest, most loving hug you have ever experienced. I feel like even if I did I wouldn't be able to clearly communicate all that I want you to know.

Here I sit, over a decade later, thinking back on that time and the thought that keeps echoing in my heart is this: "You are breathtaking". You don't see it, and you won't for many more years, but it is true. You are beautiful. Your curls are lovely. Stop killing them with treatments to make them perfectly straight. You will love your curls one day. You will be sad you ever didn't want them. You have never been ugly. Everyone sees it but you.

Your smile lights up the room. Your laugh is contagious. Your face exudes life. Your heart is so kind. You are beautiful inside and out. You are stunning.  You likely have one of the most loving, compassionate, gentle hearts that was ever created. You love people. You love loving people. You are loyal. You are kind. You are a treasure. Be kind to yourself. You treat yourself worse than you would wish for your fictitious enemy to be treated. You don't deserve that. Please stop hating yourself.

My heart breaks as I see the little girl who felt so much pain she saw no other way to deal but to hurt herself. I get so angry at the enemy who lied to her and told her she deserved to be punished. You don't need to hurt yourself! Listen to me! Please, stop hurting yourself. Please. You were never meant to carry those secrets. You didn't deserve that. Secrets aren't supposed to hurt. It is done now, be free from the weight of the guilt and shame that you are feeling. You weren't responsible for it. You didn't deserve it, and you don't have to fix it on your own. So many people love you. You don't have to hold all the emotion in. You don't have to be strong for anyone. You don't have to have it all together. Be a child. You are so young. You don't have to prove your strength to anyone. No one will be angry or disappointed if you let the emotions flood out. You will find such love and acceptance when you do.

Precious, you are carrying many weights that aren't yours to carry. You feel responsible for things that were never ever supposed to be your responsibility. You don't have to do that. You are not responsible for your family. You aren't responsible for the many friends who come to you with broken hearts and deep wounds.  You don't have to carry their weights. The weight of the world was never meant to be on your shoulders. Be free from the burdens that you carry. Be a child.

Jewel, you are perfectly loved and accepted. You don't need anyone to give you worth. You are worth more than one thousand rubies. You are extravagantly loved. You are worth affection.

Don't try to be anyone that you are not. This season of your life will be over soon. Try to enjoy it; I know that's difficult. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. It is not a train.

You have such a beautiful, fulfilling, fun life ahead of you. You have so much hope. I am here, cheering you on. You will make it.You will come out as a beautiful diamond. You are surrounded by many cheer leaders. I am the one cheering the loudest. You can do this. I love you.

Love,
Joy

Letter Series: A letter to someone I used to know

Dear Friend,

I sit here on my couch. Spotify is playing my favorite play list, but somehow the annoying house fly is buzzing louder than my laptop speakers will play as it rams itself into the light bulb for the thousandth time. I'm not writing to you to tell you about the dumb fly though. I am writing for my heart. Maybe your heart too. Who knows.

I don't know where you are or what you are doing. I have lots of friends now. I love Missouri. I love my life. I am genuinely happy. I realized last night that I am a really good friend. That was a huge step of healing for me. I am a good friend. I have always been a good friend. I deserve good friends. I think you were a good friend. I know you tried. You were a good friend.

From time to time I think about you. I wonder how you are. I hope you are well. I think about you at random times- like when I am reading an article I think you would enjoy, or when I hear a quote that I know you would love. I think of you when I pull out my paints and begin to create beautiful things. I remember our art day. I remember the railroad tracks. I remember laughing till we cried. I remember crying until we laughed. I remember crying alone. I remember when you told me you heard from God covenant. I remember when you changed your mind. I remember when you heard it again. I remember the hard times. I remember the happy times.

Since that day earlier this year, I have fought to forgive. I have resisted forgiving. I have refused to forgive. I have tried to forgive. And I have fought it harder. But I forgive you. I forgive you. I don't forgive you for your benefit, because you will likely never read this or know. I forgive you for my benefit. Because it hurts more to fight than it does to let go. I think I will feel better if I keep holding on to the unforgiveness, but the truth is, I won't. You have moved on. You don't know where I am. My hurt and bitterness and anger don't affect you. They only affect me. Holding on to that hurt only hurts me more, and we both know that I have been hurt enough. I know who my Father is. I know who I am. I am a good friend. And I choose to forgive. I choose to let go. I forgive you.

If you ever read this, know that I still love you. I wish you well. I am not angry at you. You are free from any weight you may feel. Father is a really good Dad.

And I forgive you.

Love,
Joy

True Holiness

When I initially began to jot down thoughts for this blog, it was going to be more of a don’t-use-holiness-and-living-above-reproach-as-an-excuse-to-avoid-sinners kind of post. And while I may still hit that, I want to instead share the realization that train-wrecked me this morning. My train of thought for this post was totally derailed by this realization.

The Greek word for holy is hagios. It is used a total of 229 times in the New Testament. It is defined as "most holy thing, a saint".

Friends, this messed me up.

1 Peter 1:16 (KJV) "Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy".

The word hagios is used twice in that verse. The holiness that God is calling Himself is the same holiness that He is calling us to.

Hagios is also the same word that is used to describe the Holy Spirit.

That Holy Spirit is the same one that lives in you.

Hagios Pneuma. Holy Spirit. 

Pneuma.

The third person of the triune God, the Holy Spirit, coequal, coeternal with the Father and the Son. His personality and character is Holy. 

His work and power is Truth. 

He is never a depersonalized force. 

He is Life giving. 

The spiritual nature of Christ, higher than the highest angels and equal to God, the divine nature of Christ. 

Romans 8:9 says the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in us.

Hagios Pneuma lives in you.

Hagios is in you.

The Holy is in you.

You. are. holy.

Hagios Pneuma. 

You have done nothing to make yourself holy.
You can do nothing to make yourself like God, like the Holy.
You need to do nothing for it.

When you said "Yes" to Holy Spirit, "Yes" to Jesus Christ. You were filled with the "Holy One".
You are a son or daughter of God. You have God's last name. He adopted you. You are His. Therefore your name is now "Holy". Your nature is "Holy". You are "Holy".

You don't have to fear being tarnished by sin around you. Jesus was never afraid of the sin of the prostitutes and tax collectors rubbing off on Him. He was confident in His nature as Holy. You have His Spirit living in you. You are Holy. You cannot be tarnished by spending time with sinners.

Jesus never feared losing God's approval by spending time with the "worst sinners" as they were called.

Jesus came to bring the Spirit of Holy to the ones who do not know they are holy.

He didn't come for those who are righteous (dikaios). "Those who seem to themselves to be righteous, who pride themselves to be righteous, who pride themselves in their virtues, whether real or imagined."

He came to declare the ones who have not been set free from sin as hagios.

Jesus wasn't afraid of the appearance of evil like so many in the Church are.

I was a part of a church for a long time that disapproved of spending time with those who were outside of the church. To spend time with homosexuals, atheists, fornicators meant that I was in sin too.

The church (even I have at times) has preached that we are to live above reproach- therefore we are to abstain from this and that and this person and that place. Jesus hung out with the "worst" (though I don't think He considered them to be worse sinners than the pharisees) in the "worst" most reproachable places. Jesus' best friends were involved in the "bad sins". He hung out with prostitutes. He invited them to parties and went to their parties. There was alcohol there (oh my!). He hung out alone with a woman (NO!!!!!)....an adulterous woman!(Blasphemy!) But He was holy. He didn't lose His holiness or his God-ness. He was surrounded by the appearance of evil. And everywhere He went, God went, Holy went, Truth went, Love went, and miracles followed. 

Our calling to be Holy includes loving like Jesus loved.
How many times have I heard that we shouldn't give to homeless people on the street corners because they are just going to spend the money on drugs and alcohol?

WHO CARES!!!!
Jesus didn't say love those who are going to use the love well.
He didn't say feed and clothe and give to those who are going to instantly become "good" and un-sinful.
He didn't say care for those who have their crap together.

Our call is to be like Jesus.
Our call is to love like Jesus.

When I look at the way Jesus lived, the way the Holy lives, and compare it to my life and to the lives of many in the church, so often I am disappointed by our misuse of love and grace.

We are given exceedingly more than we can ask for or imagine, but we won't give to others for fear that they may misuse the gift.

What if we are misusing the gift friends?

Journey to the Weeping Room: The Father's Favorite Place

Matthew 5: 10-12, 43-48 (The Message)

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. Not only that- count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak likes about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens- give a cheer, even!- for though they don't like it, I do! and all of heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble. 

...

You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend, and its unwritten companion, 'hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best- the sun to warm and the rain to nourish- to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like ti. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.

If you aren't a fan of The Message translation- Check it out here.  

Most of you are well aware of the horrible things going on over seas. Most of you know all about the violence and injustice. Most of you have made mention of it on social media. You have changed your profile picture to the "N", you have tweeted your support for the Christians, you have vented about the horrid deaths thatIsis is causing. You have watched the news, read and shared articles on your newsfeed. You are aware. You are likely even thinking about it now with deep pain in your heart. You have cried and pleaded with the Lord to end the murder and bring about justice for His people. 

Abba hears your prayers.

Abba hears the prayers of the ones being persecuted.

Abba hears the prayers of the rape victims.

He hears the prayers of the ones who have lost children and friends.

He hears the prayers of the ones who are taking their last breath here on earth, and He hears their shouts of jubilation as they find themselves in eternity, with their Friend forever. 

Our Father sees. He knows exactly what is going on.

He experienced it Himself.

His disciples long ago experienced it.

His disciples today are sharing with Him in that suffering.

He isn't unaware. He hears their cries. He hears your cries.

Can I be offensive to some of you momentarily?

He hears the cries ofIsis. He hears the cries of terrorist. He hears the cries of rapists. He sees their brokenness. He hears their longing for freedom. 

And the Father weeps. 

His creation is living lovelessly. His children and deceived. The ones whom he so longs to call "friend" are lost. 

Do you not think the Father is just as sorrowful, if not more so, about the thousands who do not know him and are persecuting His church?

Friends, yes, my heart breaks right along with all of you who weep for the women and children who are being horribly treated, even unto death.

My heart breaks for the ones being abducted and kept as personal sex slaves! 

If you forgot, I work to fight sex slavery and injustice.

I am all about social justice.

But my Friend is all about people living in Love. 

My Friend wills that none perish.

He wills that everyone will know Him intimately.

Any who do not know Love send Him running to the weeping room.

The Father is calling us to journey with Him to his favorite place- the weeping room. 

The room where every cry is heard, every tear is bottled. Every tear of the just and the unjust. Every cry of the good and the evil. 

Friends, If your sin can't change the way the Father feels about you, then why do you think it changes the way He feels about those who are persecuting the church?

Think about Paul. Before Saul became Paul he was murdering Christians. He did exactly what is going on right now. Then he encountered our Friend, his name was changed, and he wrote a huge portion of the book that you build your life upon.

How many Sauls are waking up right now? How many more will wake up as a result of your prayers? 

I guarantee you that the persecuted ones are praying for their enemies at this moment. 

If they can gather the strength to pray for the ones who are beheading their children, who are we to not join them? 

Abba, we pray for the persecuted church. We thank you for changing the direction of the missiles in mid-air as you have done time and time again. We pray for you to deliver your children, yes; but I plead with you Holy Spirit, to bring those who are walking outside of Love home. Pour out your Spirit on those who do not know you. Give them dreams and visions. Wake them up in the night with encounters with Love. Abba, bring the lost ones home. Leave the 99 for the one once again. Jesus, we long for you to come. 

Boxes, Houses, and Castles: A Home fit for a King

I've placed you in perfectly ordered boxes. 

Each one labeled distinctly on it's side. 

I know what goes where and when it expires.

Well,

Sort of.

I have your ordered in a way that makes sense.
The You that is loving is right next to the You that is kind.
The You that is good is stacked on top of the You that is called Dad.
The part that is merciful is next to the box that knows my weaknesses.
Your grace is right next to your expectations of me.
Your will is stacked on top of surrender.
Your justice is overlapping your seeing of evil.

But then things get hairy.
Your holiness spews over.
Your jealousy is causing the walls of this castle to tremble.
Your anger is too close to your delight.
I can't make your fire stop burning away chaff.
You wound the ones you love.

The boxes are labeled as fragile, but really there's nothing fragile about you.
It is I who is fragile.
My ideology.
My theology.
My wish-ology.
That is what is fragile.
You don't fit into my preconceived ideas about who you are supposed to be.

So I build a bigger enclosure for you.
One that will make you look more homey
One that will hold a Dad like you.
I build you a House.

It has a roof.
Windows and a door.
I even add a picture on the wall just for you.

I invite you inside to meet with me there.
To share a cup of tea.
Maybe bake some cookies.
Then dance in front of the fireplace with your daughter.

But soon I realize that while you are a dad,
You are also a King.

A holy, passionate, King.

So I tear down the house and I build you a castle.

This castle is fit for a King indeed.
You have plenty of space to pace as you ponder your decrees.
You can sit in your throne.
You can prop up your feet.
You can look out over the kingdom and hear the peoples praise.

I have finally built something that you will love.
I have finally built you a home.

But you.
You walk through the walls.
Your glory all around you.
Your power spilling over.
Your love like an ocean.
Your passion like a wildfire.

You waltz out of the castle I built for you.
Instead, you begin to build.
You begin to build a dwelling place that is fitting for you,
God, Dad, and King.

I see you building.
I see a coffee shop.
I see a laptop.
I see a chair up next to the bar.

What I see next, surprises me the most.
It's not a box you a building.
It's not a house,
Or a or a kingdom with a castle.

What you are so intently building is me.
I see you smile.
I see love flood your eyes.
I see joy fill your face.
The place you feel most at home in,
The home in which you love to dwell,
Is me.

I am your favorite place.

I am the one you created to hold your glory.
I am the one you long to set up camp in.
You plant your roots deep inside me.

Yes, you are God.
Yes, you are Dad.
Yes, you are King.

And yes, you are Friend.



Come and dwell in the center of my heart.
Make yourself at home in me.