Auctioneer's Platform... Part 2

I am just like her. I have been bought, but I don't know how to just be. Years of slavery have left me scrambling, doing, working, striving, pleasing. I feel disqualified when I mess up. I beat myself up and search for a way to be punished when I fail. Why? Because I don't understand the Grace of God. I don't get it. When I am doing well, I feel like God loves me and wants to use me. I feel like I have done something to earn His love, to earn His goodness. Because I think that I can earn his acceptance, when I fail I feel like I deserve harsh punishment. It's like one tiny mistake sends me plummeting down to the jagged rocks below where I have to somehow pick myself back up, clean myself off, get myself healed or fixed, and make the hike back up to the top of the mountain where God loves and accepts me.
I don't understand grace.
I know in my head that I can never do good enough to earn anything from Him. He freely gives it all. But it is still in the process of making its way to my heart.
I am realizing how filthy I am. I am completely and utterly filthy. There is nothing in me that deserves love or acceptance. Nothing. I am a ragamuffin. (Yes, I am reading Ragamuffin gospel right now...) 
I am so undeserving of any good thing. I am just a filthy, worthless, prostitute.
But.
His grace is sufficient.
His grace doesn't see my rags.
Grace clothes me in a beautiful gown.
His grace doesn't expect me to do.
Grace knows that Jesus already did for me.
His grace doesn't condemn me when I mess up.
Grace covers my ugly.
His grace doesn't let me fall and slam into the jagged rocks below.
Grace is there to catch me.


I am a dumb sheep.
I take off, full speed, and dive off the side of the cliff.
Even though I know the cliff is there. Something in me just can't resist. I must run to the edge, full speed.
Two things about grace for this little sheep.
1. Grace is calling me back away from the cliff's edge, but when I dive off, Grace is at the bottom to catch me. Grace puts me on His shoulders and carries me back up the mountain. (And then the process starts over... because I don't get it yet.)
2. As I dash for the cliff, Grace, the Good Shepherd, reaches out His staff and hooks it around my neck to pull me back in. Ouch. That staff hurts. I hate it. I kick and scream and fight. But that staff, though it is painful at times, is grace at work.

I don't understand yet that Jesus paid the price for me so that I don't have to pay it.
I don't understand yet that I can do nothing to be good enough for him... or anyone else for that matter.
I don't understand yet that His grace is sufficient for me.

But I will.
Oh, I will.


I am convinced of this, He who began the good work in me is faithful to carry it out to completion.
I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separated me from the love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord.
I am convinced that He sees my ugly, and He loves me anyway.
I am convinced that He paid the price to set me free.
I am convinced that He set me free simply so that I could be free.

I don't have to perform for Him.

I don't get grace.

But I will.
Oh, I will.

On the Auctioneer's Platform

She stood there on the auctioneer's platform, clothed in rags. Dirt streaked across her expressionless face; filthy because she hadn't had the luxury of a bath in some time. She stood, head down, wondering where the bidding would begin. She cringed as she heard the too familiar sound of children screaming as a sibling was bought while the other left. Memories of her own siblings flooded her mind. Where were they now? Were the safe? Did they remember her? Regrets overwhelmed her heart. Why did she choose to set out on her own? Promises of an exciting life, broken. She spent the last three years of her life in the brothels, selling her body to strange men in hopes of making enough money to get by.

Sold. 

The auctioneer's voice rang out. So lost in her thoughts, she didn't realize the bidding for her had already begun, let alone ended. She searched the crowd wondering who bought her. She wondered what her new life would be like. For a moment she was gripped with fear as she reflected back on past owners; she quickly pushed those memories out of her head.
A man began to push through the crowd, fighting to get to the front. All eyes were on him.

"She's mine," he said, "I pick her."

He handed over the biggest bag of silver she had ever seen in her life. Her heart raced as she wondered how she could ever pay him back. She resigned to the thought that she would be in slavery to him for the rest of her life, doing whatever he wanted. She hung her head as her heart seemed to crash and shatter on the ground around her, with it went her dreams of freedom. She had nothing to give him.

She was nothing but a filthy, poor, prostitute. 

He reached out and lifted her off the auctioneer's block. This was strange, she had never been carried before. No buyer had ever looked into her eyes like this one either. His eyes seemed to pierce deep within her heart. She looked away, ashamed, fearful of what he might see. Expecting him to put her down and make her walk, she squirmed a little, ready to be dropped. He didn't. He carried her.
He carried her for what felt like miles, close to his heart. She was deeply confused by this buyer. Who was he? Why didn't he treat her like the others had? He carried her into the door of a house at the end of the road. Carried her in the door, down the hallway, and into a room with a big bed where he laid her down. She quickly sat up, and began to remove her torn clothes. She knew what to do from here, she had been here many times before. He must have carried her so that she wouldn't be tired from the long walk and could perform well for him. He walked over to a tub in the corner of the room and began to fill it with water. He pulled a new gown out of the closet and laid it across a comfortable looking chair.
She was so confused. He hadn't barked a single order at her. She sat there, exposed, wondering what to do. She thought, how could she please him if he wouldn't tell her what he wanted? He turns, and she watches him walk out of the room, closing the door behind him. She sits for a few moments, perplexed, not wanting to do anything wrong.
After several moments, she stands and walks over to the tub, she hadn't had a warm bath in such a long time. After she bathed, she put on the new gown that he laid out for her. She brushed her matted curls with a brush she found in the drawer by the bed. She inhaled deeply and smelled the delightful aroma of food being prepared in the kitchen. She curiously tiptoed her way through the door, out of the room, and down the hall. Peeking around the corner she saw the man who purchased her sitting at the table with other children her age.
"Great," she whispered, "I'm in another brothel." She took a step backwards to return to her room before she was caught, but the floor board creaked. The man with the intense eyes looked up, right at her. She gasped and quickly turned to scurry back to her room. As she began to take off down the hall, she heard the most gentle voice.

"Won't you come join us?" he beckoned. 

She stopped in her tracks. She had never been invited to dinner before. Who is this man? What does he expect of me. She slowly turned, and studied the man's expression. It was one she had never seen on the face of a buyer before. It was gentle, loving even. He stood. She took a fearful step backwards. He walked around the table and pulled our a chair, he waved her over, calling her to sit.
Not wanting to cause trouble, she complied.
He went to the stove and prepared a plate for her. He set it before her. The food smelled delicious. More delicious than she could remember anything smelling before. In that moment, she realized that her stomach ached with hunger. How long had it been since she had last eaten? Days?
The man walked back around to his seat and continued to eat his dinner.
She slowly picked up the fork and began to eat. Careful not to drop anything on her new gown. Surely her buyer would be set off if she made any sort of mess. This treatment was too good to last for long.
After dinner, she returned to her room, wondering when her work would begin. He came in to bring her another blanket before he retired to bed. She drifted off to sleep, wondering how long this would last.

How long would it be before he realized she was nothing but a filthy prostitute?

The next morning she woke to the sound of the man singing and children laughing. She smelled breakfast cooking, as she sleepily crawled out of bed and walked down the hall. 

"Good morning Sunshine!" the man called out to her, "Did you sleep well?" 

"Yes," she whispered. 

"Breakfast is ready if you are hungry," the man said. 

She sat down and began to eat. She studied the children around her, wondering how they could have such joy. This buyer confused her greatly. What did he want with all these children? Who could he be?

As the day drew to a close, she still had all of the same questions racing through her mind. 

That evening, as she got ready for bed, the man came in to her room. She stood, waiting on a command. 

He lifted her back up on to the big, comfy bed, and sat down next to her. She looked up at him. His eyes once again burned deep within her soul. 

"What do you want from me?" she whispered, as her eyes welled up with burning tears. "I don't know how to please you and I could never pay you back." 

"Child, I only want you to be free." His gentle voice was overwhelming. She couldn't take it anymore. Tears rushed out of her eyes and flooded her face. He reached over and began to wipe them away. Still confused, she jumped, startled at this sign of affection. She had expected him to be angry at her emotion. He just sat there, his eyes loving eyes piercing her heart.

"Free?" she asked. "How can I be free? I can't ever pay you back, you paid too much for me."

"I don't want anything from you. I paid for your freedom. You don't deserve slavery." 

"Free?" 

"Free." 

"It is for freedom that Christ set us free..." Galatians 5:1

Scary prayers

Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of praying something only to realize that you are praying the scariest prayer of your life?
Yeah?
Well I've caught myself mid sentence of some pretty awful prayers lately. The one that scares me the most happened about an hour ago.
Inviting Jesus into the depths of the closet of my heart. Opening the "junk drawer" of my heart wide and saying "Here, Jesus, Come and dig around. Clean it out. Do what you will with the items you find."

This is where I panic.

Ummm..... did I leave it in the drawer... or is it shoved under the bed?
I really hope he doesn't find THAT THING in the closet... that would be painful.
Oops, I haven't dug through that drawer in a while... I'm kind of scared of what I might remember if I let him dig around.

Then I begin to try to rewind my prayer...

No, Jesus, You see, you don't want to go in that closet...it's kinda dusty... your allergies might act up... *cough*
Jesus, you don't have time to go through the drawer, I understand... there are other things we need to sort though... like what the heck am I supposed to be doing with the next five years of my life.... yeah, that's the important stuff.
PLEASE JESUS, It's too painful for me to let you go through that closet... the things I have shoved in there hurt too much... I know you don't want to inflict harm on me right!!!????

But it's too late...

With His tender hands and loving eyes He looks right at me, almost like He is looking deep in me, He holds up an item.
I cringe as the memory floods back to me.
Tears begin to flow.
Jesus, I can explain that...
Jesus, I don't want to let that memory go.
Jesus, please, it hurts too badly to remember.
Jesus, no.

He takes out a stamp
Across that item, He stamps the most beautiful thing.
Paid for.

He reaches back in the drawer and pulls out another item.
He writes.
Redeemed.

And another.
Freed.

Again.
Healed.

The next one.
Restored.

One by one.
He stamps His name across my filth.
Across my sin.
Across the things that have wounded me.
Across the things that I am ashamed of.

I created this one to soar.


All that hold me are paper chains. The lock is broken. The door is open. Jesus, teach me how to fly.

Galatians 2:20

I have been learning so much lately. I feel like Jesus is giving me a crash course in like 50 different subjects.

A beautiful sister and I were talking a couple days ago and she shared this picture with me that absolutely blew me away. I have never thought of it like this before. It’s actually a concept that I have struggled to understand up to this point.

When I was in India, the Pastors I had the great privilege of working with amazed me. These men lived dead. When they surrendered their lives to Jesus they died. They no longer focus on their desires. Their only desire is to see Jesus’ will be done. They are such an incredible example of what it means to live a crucified life. I can’t really even begin to express how amazing these men and their wives are. It’s overwhelming to even think about it.

The picture that my sister shared with me was this:

You are drowning in an ocean. You are thrashing around, choking on the water as you try to call for help. You are quickly losing all hope of being saved when you see a Man walk by.

With one last breath you call out for help.

The Man sees you drowning.

He exclaims, “Oh no, you are drowning!! Let me come drown with you!”

He runs out to where you are and begins to drown right next to you.

You both die.

You are dead.

The Man is dead.

Drowned in the ocean.

But.

In three days, the Man comes back to life!

This crazy Man who decided to drown with you rather than save you comes back from the dead.

You are still dead.

You drowned.

The Man is alive.

The Man is living.

You are not.

You drowned.

And with you drowned your sin.

Your failures.

Your mistakes.

You.

All of you.

Drowned.

You did not come back to life.

Jesus did.

He is the one who now lives.

He is the one who is living in your place.

You don’t live.

Those things that drowned with you…

They don’t have any hold on you.

They are gone.

In the sea of forgetfulness.

Drowned.

I know that sometimes I get so caught up in trying to put to death my sinful nature and work my way out of sin.

That’s not how it works.

If not sinning is my goal; sin will be inevitable.

If loving Jesus is my goal; sin will have no hold on me.

When your focus is Jesus, you don’t desire anything but Jesus.

When your focus is on not sinning, you don’t desire anything but sin.

Stop beating yourself up.

Just fall in love with Jesus.

Sin and Grace

We are taught from day one in Sunday School about Adam and Eve and the fall of mankind. Every Sunday preachers dance around the pulpit and hoot and holler about Romans 3:23 and how sin separates us from God. We all can quote the verses in the "Roman's Road" and we know how to prove to sinners that they deserve hell because they have "missed the mark". 

And then we sin. 

We fail.

We give in to temptation. 

and

We dive headfirst into a sea of condemnation.

God says that He throws our sin into a sea of forgetfulness, but we just don't believe it. 

We are the exception.

Can we rewind for a moment? 

Can we revisit that Bible story we all know so well?

Genesis 3 (Paraphrase)

The snake pays the woman a little visit (She has not been named Eve yet. 

This little snake says, "So woman, did God really tell you that you can't eat from the trees in this beautiful garden?" 

Our woman friend was like, "No. We can eat from all of the trees except for this one little tree in the middle of this huge garden. We can't even touch that tree cause we will die." 

Mr. Snake was sneaky, he exclaimed, "You won't REALLY die!! You'll actually become gods! You will know good and evil."

Now, if you are a woman, you know that we are prone to having moments of weakness from time to time... Oh what I wouldn't give for ice cream on a hot summer day!! The woman in our story had a moment just like that!

The woman saw the tree and the fruit of the tree and realized that it looked pretty darn good. Her mouth began to water and her stomach growled.  She decided to take a bite. Then she shared it with her hubby. 

If you are a woman, you know that if you are going to give in to that ice cream sunday you feel a whole heck of a lot better if you have a friend who will give in to it with you! That's what she did. 

As soon as Adam and the woman ate from the tree, their eyes were open and they realized that they were completely naked!  Uh oh!  "This is awkward!" they thought, "We need some sort of clothes!" So they made themselves some nice, organic, eco friendly clothing to wear.

Here is my favorite part... You ready for it? Get ready!

They hear God's footsteps. Just like every other day before, God comes down and calls out to Adam. 

Just like every other day.

Just like God did the day before.

Just like God did.

Always.

Always Had.

God came down to hang out. 

Just like he always had done.

Before they disobeyed.

Before they sinned.

God came down to hang out.

Did God not know they disobeyed Him?

Did God miss the memo that sin separates us from Him? 

Did God skip class the day the teacher taught on how God is supposed to turn His back on the bad little humans who have a moment (or a lifetime) of sin?

Was God confused?

(The place where the Devil lives) 

No. 

Adam and the woman hear God coming. 

They freak out.

"Oh crap. We messed up!" 

They ran and hid from the presence of God.

Adam and the woman hid.

Adam and the woman separated themselves from God.

The worst part about sin is that is causes us to separate ourselves from God. 

Our shame, our guilt, our condemnation.

We run from God.

God wants to meet with us 5 seconds after we have fed our addiction just as much as he wants to meet with us the day that we lead 12 people to the Lord, baptize 8, and spend 7 hours in the prayer room. 

God isn't afraid of our sin. 

God isn't ashamed of our nakedness. 

We are the ones who make the nakedness awkward. 

We are the ones who turn our backs.

We are the ones who separate ourselves. 

We do.

Not God.

Us.

When we sin or are tempted to sin the we need to run boldly into the throne room of God. 

Not hide from it. 

Hebrews 4:16 

ESV- Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

ISV- So let us KEEP ON COMING boldly to the throne of grace, so that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

YLT- We may come near, then, with freedom, to the throne of the grace, that we may receive kindness, and find grace--for seasonable help.

NLT- So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Get the point?

God wants us. 

He doesn't want our show.

He doesn't want to see how good we can be.

He wants us. 

Just because I know that some will disagree with this...

Yes, we need to live lives of holiness. 

Yes, we need to obey God.

Yes.

When eradicating sin is your focus, sin will be your identity.

When loving Jesus is your focus, holiness will be your identity. 

I have found more freedom from temptation than I ever have before when I just fell in love with Jesus. 

When Jesus is the center of my attention, sin doesn't get my attention.

The last thing I want to mention is about Romans 3:23.

We all know it. 

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." 

Honestly, I could go on to talk about the following verses that make this point, 

but I just want to focus on the one verse right now.

Come short---> hystereō

It means to come late or tardily to. 

We come late to the glory of God. 

Glory of God ---> Doxa

A most glorious condition, most exalted state

Of that condition with God the Father in heaven to which Christ was raised after he had achieved his work on earth

The glorious condition fo blessedness into which is appointed and promised that true Christians shall enter after their Savior's return from heaven

Yes, we must repent when we sin. That is a given. I am in no way saying that we can live in sin with no consequences. The Bible clearly states that there are eternal consequences for sin. But what I am saying is that our sin shouldn't cause us to run and hide in a closet away from God. 

I feel that the body of Christ as a whole has done a huge injustice to broken people. 

Sinners sin.

Christians sin.

We sin.

But we have no reason to separate ourselves from God when He is walking through the garden calling us. He still wants us. Even in our sin.

Final thought:

What would have been different if Adam and Eve had not hidden from God? 

Do you think that things may have been different had they repented right there?

Obviously there would have still needed to be a sacrifice... Jesus was sacrificed before the foundation of the earth. 

But would anything have been different? 

Let me know what you think. :)

Long Time Coming... From the Depths of my Heart

I decided tonight that I was going to journal through what has been going on for the past...many months. I'm not sure how long I will leave it up. I don't know if it is something that I want forever on the internet right now. But knowing that there are only 4-5 of you who will read this I think I will choose to go ahead and trust you with this part of my process. We are all really just walking through our own processes. Some of us are going to painful things right now, others are just pushing through and praying for strength cause honestly, we are just ready to quit this thing. It's taking more than we bargained for when we signed up. I know for me I have had to reevaluate what I meant when I told Jesus I was giving him my life. Didn't I know when I made that commitment I was pretty much saying "hey devil, here's the target, right on my heart... go ahead and shoot those arrows at me." Life sucks sometimes, but it is sooo Good... because HE is Good. It is worth it. Every single moment. He is worth it. 

Here is the (rather long) journal entry from tonight: 

For so long I have believed that God was the one who caused the abuse to happen to me, or rather because he didn’t stop it, He wanted it to happen to me.  I have felt less loved by God than others because He didn’t protect me from the abuse in the way that I thought He should. I have strived and worked for years to be loved by God. I have worked so hard to make Him love me.

A couple Friday nights ago we had a saturation night at the end of our youth leaders' conference. This night I began to understand so much about God and about the abuse.

Rewind to December 2011-

I was challenged by a friend to ask God where He was when I was being abused. I did. God showed me a picture of Him holding me. That’s all I saw, me in his arms on my bed in my childhood bedroom. 

That realization was great. It meant God was with me. He didn’t leave me all alone. 

Wonderful.

A couple months later, I have this question-

“God, if you were there, then why didn’t you stop it?”

At that time I saw another picture of God holding me while I was being abused, same situation…me crying, him holding me. Only this time, he was holding someone else too.

 He was holding my abusers. 

At this I became extremely angry. If God was close enough to hold both me and my abusers, then why did he not stop them? If he loved me then surely he would have protected me from the abuse. This must mean that God doesn’t love me. He was punishing me for something. He didn’t really care about me like I thought. 

Maybe he was actually holding me there so that I couldn’t get away from the abuse.

What a thought... God?

Shortly after my initial anger began to settle down I heard this-

I am faithful to my Word. I will never leave you or forsake you. I am always with you.

Ok, great. He didn’t leave me. I know that. 

But why did He let them take advantage of me, and why was He holding them? 

A loving Father would not allow that abuse to happen to His daughter.

Then I realized… 

Not only was God my father and faithful to His promises to me… He was also my abusers’ father.  He would not take away their free will, even though it infringed upon my rights. 

He held them. 

I realized in this moment that God was showing me His love for them. 

My abusers were hurt just as badly by the abuse as I was. 

They are accountable to God for what they did to me. 

I am accountable to God for what I do with the opportunity that I have been given. 

I say that I have forgiven them. And I believe fully that I have. However, I am beginning to see that just as a father on earth loves his child even when they make messes, do bad things, or make mistakes 

God loves us even when we mess up. 

He loves my abusers and wants them to know Him. He wants to heal their hearts just as much as He wants to heal mine.

Ok, so at this point, I am beginning to work through the image of a loving God holding me and holding my abusers at the same time. I am working through my anger at God for not protecting me from the abuse like I thought He should.

Back to that wonderful Friday night-

Someone came over to me and laid hands on me and began to pray for me. I can honestly say I have no clue what she prayed… I couldn’t hear her between the music and her very soft voice. Apparently it didn’t matter what she was saying because I began to hear the voice of God so loudly and clearly.

Stop blaming me.

I realized that I have been angry with God for so long. I have been blaming him for the abuse that happened to me. I realized that God didn’t point me out and say, “That girl Joy deserves to be abused.” It was the enemy. It wasn’t God’s fault.

I heard God say

I want to use it for my good like I promised, but I can’t because you won’t stop blaming me for it.

He told me that he has wanted to use this for so long but I haven’t let him because I have been busy being angry at him and holding on to it. I haven’t let it go and because I haven’t let it go, he is not able to use it for good.

Stop blaming me, I didn’t do it to you.

He is good and can do only good.

I have believed for so long that because God didn’t protect me from the abuse in the way that I thought He should that it means that I wasn’t worth protecting. 

I see how that belief has transferred to so many other areas of my life. Especially in my trying to work for love because I felt like He doesn’t love me, and that in myself I am not worthy of love from anyone. 

LIE.

I told God how bad the abuse sucked. I never had told God how horrible the abuse was. 

I’ve told Jesus, but never God. 

I know that sounds silly because Jesus and God are one in the same, but to me Jesus was the one who loved me and died for me… What did God do? God was some far off concept that I didn’t understand and was angry with. How could “Father God” love me?

I heard the Lord say in a new way that He loves me, He didn’t cause it to happen and that I didn’t deserve it. I heard Him affirm me and express his love towards me. 

I have never experienced such an overwhelming brokenness before the Lord before tonight. 

It was a total “God, here I am” moment.

I realized that God had so much mercy and grace on me through it all. It could have been so much worse. He did protect me. It could have had much worse affects on me than it has. He did protect me. It just wasn’t in the way I thought it should look.

I spent a couple weeks processing through all of that.

I have never cried like I did on that night before. 

I was wrecked. I allowed my brokenness to be exposed.

 I think that allowing myself to experience the pain of my abuse was a huge step to freedom. I have been numb to it for so long… using other things as painkillers that are equally destructive to numb the ache inside of me.

Tonight, I revisited the question of where God what when I was being abused.

Everyone knows the verse about our bodies being the temple of the Holy Spirit and how the Holy Spirit lives in us. 

That verse is usually used in reference to things that we do to ourselves…overeating, getting tattoos or piercings, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around… that kind of stuff right? 

It’s usually used to bring conviction… more like condemnation… when we are thinking about doing something to our temple.

Well, tonight I saw it in a new way. (Thanks to Jesus and the Good Women Project!)

When I was being abused, the Holy Spirit was abused.

Every inappropriate touch that I felt, He felt. 

Every painful or humiliating thing that was done to my body, was done to Him too. 

He was right there in the middle of the darkest moments of my life with me. 

He never left me. 

He didn’t look the other way. 

He felt everything just as I did. 

He knows my pain better than anyone else ever will because 

He was right there feeling it with me. 

The God of all creation felt the same pain that I did with me in my darkest moments.

This verse lost all of its condemning threats tonight. 

Every ounce of “Don’t mess up God’s property” vanished when I realized that this verse speaks so much more than what we should and should not do. 

It brings such deep healing.

It is a waterfall of healing over my dry and broken heart.

Am I fixed?

No.

Do I need to be fixed?

I don’t think so. 

God loves me right where I am. He is not afraid of my brokenness. He is not angry at my mess. 

He is with me. He is perfectly okay with me where I am. I don’t have to be perfect or “fixed” or have it all together because I am perfectly loved by the King of the universe.

If you have read this far, you are an amazingly patient friend. I cherish you. 

Feel free to leave a comment if anything I said made something "click" for you. We are all in this life together anyway, we need each other. Desperately. I'm learning it's okay to let people see my flaws. They already see most of them anyway, why not share them with others who can walk with me on this journey? 

Romans 12:9-16 talks about the kind of community that I want to be part of-

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.  Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!"

Lastly, here is a link to the article that helped me to my revelation tonight... If you or someone you know has been taken advantage of it might be good for you to read. It outlines the thoughts and lies that go through the heads of those who have been abused. I must say it is right on point.

Creator of Creativity

I love to be creative. One thing that I love to do is paint. I stopped for a while and I don't know why. Today, I got to paint with a friend. At first, I was really nervous because she is really good, but I decided to put that aside and just be free. And, to take it a step farther, I painted something that I have NEVER painted before. It really brought me to a place of deep breakthrough though. I wanted to paint a picture that expressed a verse that I have been clinging to lately. "My Grace is sufficient for you. My Strength is made perfect in your weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9 My friend helped to to get a picture of that in my mind, and as I began to paint it, that truth worked it's way into my heart. 
His grace is all that I need. There is no other thing. It is a simple path to Holiness. A simple path to Jesus. His Grace.
Nothing else.
I don't have to strive or work or do a special dance to be good enough or holy enough for Him. I just have to rely on His Grace. His Grace empowers. His Grace releases. His Grace frees. I was freed by Grace today. I know that it is a process of learning to totally depend on His Grace, but I know that today is the day I learned what that means. I am secure in His grace. 
The more I painted, the more that truth sunk deep within me. 


Painting is so therapeutic. It helps to calm your mind. There are no rules in art. It's freeing to be as expressive as you want. The canvas doesn't judge. :-) 


After finishing the first painting, and the second and third both drying to prepare for the next step with them I began to ask some pretty big things from the Lord. I have been praying big prayers lately and I have been getting some pretty big answers too. 
Tomorrow, I want to begin to try to express the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. I'm sure this one will take some time... and a lot of seeking Jesus. :-) But it is something that I want to do.


I was thinking about how much I love to be creative though as I was cleaning up and I just asked God, "God, how creative are you?"... and then He laughed... and I did too. He is the Creator of Creativity! (Mind blown!) He created everything! He created the entire world. He created me! I am His masterpiece. More than that, He created me in His image. Jesus is wearing a body like mine right now. He has eyes, hair, skin, fingerprints. Jesus has his very own fingerprint. He is so beautiful. I am created in His image. 


Genesis 1:26-27 

"Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."


Wow. 


Psalm 139:13-18
"For your created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you."


There is so much that I want to write out that I don't even know where to start!


When I began to paint, I knew what this painting was going to mean to me. I knew exactly what its purpose was. For me it was a reminder of His grace. I saw the whole picture in my mind before my brush touched the canvas. I pretty much knew where it was going to go when I got finished with it too. 
When God created me, He knew all of that and more. He created me. He knit me together. He saw my unformed body... just like  saw the blank canvas. I don't think that it is a coincidence that verse 16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God put those two independent clauses together for a reason. I thought me up before he put his brush to the canvas. He planned it all out. His thoughts are precious. 


I am overwhelmed at the thought of that. 


I said that the next thing I want to paint is an expression of the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. After my mind was blown by God being the creator of creativity, I asked, "Jesus, what do your eyes look like? Can I see your eyes?" (It's a crazy question I know... but I've been praying crazy prayers lately.) 


That's when I realized He has real eyes, just like me. 
Jesus, The savior of the world has eyes like mine. Are they blue? Green? Brown? I don't know. But I know he has real eyes. 
That's when it hit me. We are made in His image. He is a man. I can see a glimpse of His eyes when I see his children's eyes. Eyes of love and acceptance. Eyes of passion and fire. Eyes that burn and heal at the same time. 


I have some pretty great, Christ-like people in my life that I can talk with about my failures, joy, dreams and desires... but I don't think I have ever looked them in the eye when telling them of my failures or secret dreams or the desires I have deep in my heart. I have feared what I would see in those eyes. I have feared that I would see disappointment, shock, disapproval, rejection, or scorn. But Jesus' eyes are filled with love and joy. Jesus Laughs. He smiles. Jesus looks at me with love and acceptance. If these people that I am able to talk to have his eyes, I should see those same things in their eyes. I have avoided them because of fear of rejection for so long. Because of this, I have likely missed out on seeing the acceptance, love and joy of Jesus in their eyes. Jesus uses his people to show his heart to the world. How much have I missed because I feared rejection from his people, an ultimately, from him? 


Back to that verse... His "EYES SAW my unformed body" and his thoughts toward me "outnumber the grains of sand."




Lastly,
When David sinned with Bathsheba, he told Nathan he sinned... but Nathan replied, "Yes, you have sinned, but God has forgiven you." So while David was beating himself up for his dumb choice, God had already forgiven him and was waiting for him to move forward. 
It is sometimes extremely difficult for me to forgive myself. I try to walk around in self condemnation. So much so that the enemy doesn't even have to try to get me to beat myself up... I just do. But today I re-realized that God Forgives. He doesn't hold my mistakes or sin over my head, waiting for me to mess up just so he can remind me how awful I am. He totally and completely forgives. He is waiting on me to forgive myself and move on though. He won't do anything until I get up out of the dust and push forward. I realize that my unforgiveness towards myself and my self pity is a major hinderance to my freedom and growth. It keeps me in the trap of the enemy... when Jesus has already set me free. 




Today was an intense day to say the least. :-)