thoughts

The last week and a half or so have been unique. Last week there was a team from Houston here doing ministry on UMKC's campus. It was absolutely wonderful having them here. Sunday through Thursday nights we had worship nights at the Boiler Room which were nothing short of miraculous.
The Father is doing a lot in my heart the past week. I know that I haven't blogged daily, like was my intention, but I am still processing through things daily with the Holy Spirit, which was the point of all this anyway. Some of what the Father has been taking me through has be intensely personal, and not something that I want to post online. However, I can and will share some of what I have been thinking about a lot. I also will get back to the values that I mentioned before. To do all of this will likely require more than one post which I may post all in one day (today) or possibly save them as a draft and post them over the next couple days. (Or who knows.... I might back date them all!) The amount I write today will also depend on the battery of my laptop. I am sitting sipping delicious coffee in a coffee shop in Westport and left my charger in my car, which is parked down the road. Hang with me, I will fulfill my promises!

The Beauty of the Man

Jesus. Christ. Emmanuel. Son of God. Lily of the Valley. Savior. Redeemer. The Risen One. Bright and Morning Son. Advocate. Cornerstone. Great High Priest. Mediator. Rose of Sharon. Shiloh. Jesus.

The Man. Fully man, and fully God. Holy. Pure. Just. Righteous. 

He healed the sick, raised the dead. Stunned the religious while satisfying the sinner. 

His goal was dying on the cross. His desire was to receive the punishment of all of mankind. His joy was me. I am the joy that was set before him. He boldly and unashamedly declared that I am worth it. I am the joy that was set before Him. I am the desire of His heart. 

It was me. 

(okay, it was you too...)

Woah. 

He took my punishment. He took it all.

For me to believe that I deserve punishment or that I am not good enough is to say that I want to pay for something that has already been paid for. 

My parents bought me a car several years ago. They gifted it to me. It's my car. Paid for. It's mine. What if I decided that the price my parents paid for it didn't work, or wasn't enough, or that since it's my car, I should be the one to pay for it... so I paid for it all over again, or refused to drive it until I had paid the car dealership the total price of the car again? That would be absolutely silly. And it would break my parents' hearts that I paid the price of the car that they already paid for. 

(It would make the seller pretty jubilant though)

That's what we do when we wallow in guilt and try to punish ourselves... or worse, don't receive the forgiveness that is rightfully ours. 

It makes the enemy ecstatic when we let him punish us or punish ourselves. 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to make the devil happy. 

Eyes of Fire

You are seated on the floor in the middle of a room

Brilliant light surrounds you

You hear what sounds like waters rushing

You feel a cool, peaceful breeze

Looking up, your eyes are met by the eyes of One who is indescribable

His eyes seem to pierce through you

They burn deep into your heart

All is laid bare before those Fiery eyes.

Everything in you wants to run

It's terrifying

Your mind is screaming "Run, Hide!"

But your heart hears a whisper

"You are safe here"

You mind screams 

"Run, exposure is painful!"

Your heart replies

"Here I find healing"

You mind argues

"Don't stay, He knows"

You heart rejoices

"When I am known, I can be free"

Here, gazing into the eyes of fire of the One who knows you

You find healing

Your brokenness is made whole

Your heart is restored

You are redeemed

You are rescued

You are free

Galatians 2:20

I have been learning so much lately. I feel like Jesus is giving me a crash course in like 50 different subjects.

A beautiful sister and I were talking a couple days ago and she shared this picture with me that absolutely blew me away. I have never thought of it like this before. It’s actually a concept that I have struggled to understand up to this point.

When I was in India, the Pastors I had the great privilege of working with amazed me. These men lived dead. When they surrendered their lives to Jesus they died. They no longer focus on their desires. Their only desire is to see Jesus’ will be done. They are such an incredible example of what it means to live a crucified life. I can’t really even begin to express how amazing these men and their wives are. It’s overwhelming to even think about it.

The picture that my sister shared with me was this:

You are drowning in an ocean. You are thrashing around, choking on the water as you try to call for help. You are quickly losing all hope of being saved when you see a Man walk by.

With one last breath you call out for help.

The Man sees you drowning.

He exclaims, “Oh no, you are drowning!! Let me come drown with you!”

He runs out to where you are and begins to drown right next to you.

You both die.

You are dead.

The Man is dead.

Drowned in the ocean.

But.

In three days, the Man comes back to life!

This crazy Man who decided to drown with you rather than save you comes back from the dead.

You are still dead.

You drowned.

The Man is alive.

The Man is living.

You are not.

You drowned.

And with you drowned your sin.

Your failures.

Your mistakes.

You.

All of you.

Drowned.

You did not come back to life.

Jesus did.

He is the one who now lives.

He is the one who is living in your place.

You don’t live.

Those things that drowned with you…

They don’t have any hold on you.

They are gone.

In the sea of forgetfulness.

Drowned.

I know that sometimes I get so caught up in trying to put to death my sinful nature and work my way out of sin.

That’s not how it works.

If not sinning is my goal; sin will be inevitable.

If loving Jesus is my goal; sin will have no hold on me.

When your focus is Jesus, you don’t desire anything but Jesus.

When your focus is on not sinning, you don’t desire anything but sin.

Stop beating yourself up.

Just fall in love with Jesus.

Dreaming of India

I have been dreaming about India lately. I'm working on raising money for my trip this summer. It has been so cool to see how God totally is making this happen. From the very beginning when He said for me to go to India, to the selection process to be a Team Leader, to now... watching Him provide the money needed for my trip. He has always been faithful. 

In my readings today I was reading John 1. (Read it for yourself here.) 

You know how there are some passages or scriptures that are just over quoted? Well, John 1:1 is that for me. But today it really came alive for me. 

verses 4-5 made me think about India...

India is a beautiful nation, consumed with poverty, hopelessness, and false gods. Everyday, millions of people in India wake up and worship over 330 million gods who do not love them and cannot hear or help them. However, I serve the One True God who is pictured in John chapter 1. He is the God who gave life to everything and His life brought light to everyone. India is a nation filled with deep darkness, but I believe that the light is going to begin to shine in that darkness and nothing will every be able to extinguish it. 

I am overwhelmed each time I think about how God became man. Fully man. He is the lamb of God. The one who paid the price to take away the sin of the world. He paid the price so that we can be his children. Salvation is free for us, but it cost Jesus everything. 

Here is the verse that I am holding on to today- Psalm 2:8 "Only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance, the whole earth as your possession." 

I'm not only asking for India, yes, I expect great things to happen there this summer, but I am asking even more for Denham Springs. I want to see the walls fall down at Denham High. I want to see the high school students realize how much they need a savior. I want them to encounter the cross in a way like never before. So God, I am asking for Denham Springs. :)

Creator of Creativity

I love to be creative. One thing that I love to do is paint. I stopped for a while and I don't know why. Today, I got to paint with a friend. At first, I was really nervous because she is really good, but I decided to put that aside and just be free. And, to take it a step farther, I painted something that I have NEVER painted before. It really brought me to a place of deep breakthrough though. I wanted to paint a picture that expressed a verse that I have been clinging to lately. "My Grace is sufficient for you. My Strength is made perfect in your weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9 My friend helped to to get a picture of that in my mind, and as I began to paint it, that truth worked it's way into my heart. 
His grace is all that I need. There is no other thing. It is a simple path to Holiness. A simple path to Jesus. His Grace.
Nothing else.
I don't have to strive or work or do a special dance to be good enough or holy enough for Him. I just have to rely on His Grace. His Grace empowers. His Grace releases. His Grace frees. I was freed by Grace today. I know that it is a process of learning to totally depend on His Grace, but I know that today is the day I learned what that means. I am secure in His grace. 
The more I painted, the more that truth sunk deep within me. 


Painting is so therapeutic. It helps to calm your mind. There are no rules in art. It's freeing to be as expressive as you want. The canvas doesn't judge. :-) 


After finishing the first painting, and the second and third both drying to prepare for the next step with them I began to ask some pretty big things from the Lord. I have been praying big prayers lately and I have been getting some pretty big answers too. 
Tomorrow, I want to begin to try to express the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. I'm sure this one will take some time... and a lot of seeking Jesus. :-) But it is something that I want to do.


I was thinking about how much I love to be creative though as I was cleaning up and I just asked God, "God, how creative are you?"... and then He laughed... and I did too. He is the Creator of Creativity! (Mind blown!) He created everything! He created the entire world. He created me! I am His masterpiece. More than that, He created me in His image. Jesus is wearing a body like mine right now. He has eyes, hair, skin, fingerprints. Jesus has his very own fingerprint. He is so beautiful. I am created in His image. 


Genesis 1:26-27 

"Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."


Wow. 


Psalm 139:13-18
"For your created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you."


There is so much that I want to write out that I don't even know where to start!


When I began to paint, I knew what this painting was going to mean to me. I knew exactly what its purpose was. For me it was a reminder of His grace. I saw the whole picture in my mind before my brush touched the canvas. I pretty much knew where it was going to go when I got finished with it too. 
When God created me, He knew all of that and more. He created me. He knit me together. He saw my unformed body... just like  saw the blank canvas. I don't think that it is a coincidence that verse 16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God put those two independent clauses together for a reason. I thought me up before he put his brush to the canvas. He planned it all out. His thoughts are precious. 


I am overwhelmed at the thought of that. 


I said that the next thing I want to paint is an expression of the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. After my mind was blown by God being the creator of creativity, I asked, "Jesus, what do your eyes look like? Can I see your eyes?" (It's a crazy question I know... but I've been praying crazy prayers lately.) 


That's when I realized He has real eyes, just like me. 
Jesus, The savior of the world has eyes like mine. Are they blue? Green? Brown? I don't know. But I know he has real eyes. 
That's when it hit me. We are made in His image. He is a man. I can see a glimpse of His eyes when I see his children's eyes. Eyes of love and acceptance. Eyes of passion and fire. Eyes that burn and heal at the same time. 


I have some pretty great, Christ-like people in my life that I can talk with about my failures, joy, dreams and desires... but I don't think I have ever looked them in the eye when telling them of my failures or secret dreams or the desires I have deep in my heart. I have feared what I would see in those eyes. I have feared that I would see disappointment, shock, disapproval, rejection, or scorn. But Jesus' eyes are filled with love and joy. Jesus Laughs. He smiles. Jesus looks at me with love and acceptance. If these people that I am able to talk to have his eyes, I should see those same things in their eyes. I have avoided them because of fear of rejection for so long. Because of this, I have likely missed out on seeing the acceptance, love and joy of Jesus in their eyes. Jesus uses his people to show his heart to the world. How much have I missed because I feared rejection from his people, an ultimately, from him? 


Back to that verse... His "EYES SAW my unformed body" and his thoughts toward me "outnumber the grains of sand."




Lastly,
When David sinned with Bathsheba, he told Nathan he sinned... but Nathan replied, "Yes, you have sinned, but God has forgiven you." So while David was beating himself up for his dumb choice, God had already forgiven him and was waiting for him to move forward. 
It is sometimes extremely difficult for me to forgive myself. I try to walk around in self condemnation. So much so that the enemy doesn't even have to try to get me to beat myself up... I just do. But today I re-realized that God Forgives. He doesn't hold my mistakes or sin over my head, waiting for me to mess up just so he can remind me how awful I am. He totally and completely forgives. He is waiting on me to forgive myself and move on though. He won't do anything until I get up out of the dust and push forward. I realize that my unforgiveness towards myself and my self pity is a major hinderance to my freedom and growth. It keeps me in the trap of the enemy... when Jesus has already set me free. 




Today was an intense day to say the least. :-) 

Only the Beginning

The broken glass glistens as the light touches the pile of glass on the floor. What once was a beautiful thing is now a pile of jagged pieces of glass, neatly swept together, a little hill of glass. 

I don’t know how long the pile of glass has been there, but I know that there are pieces of glass missing. There have been many failed attempts at putting the glass back together. Many pieces are lost. There are many pieces that don’t belong. There is dirt from sweeping the pile together so as to not lose any more pieces. There is blood from trying to hold on too tightly and from trying to put it back together. 

Glass, dirt, and blood.

I hear a voice say,

 “Give the pile of glass to me, I can fix it.” 

I quickly jump in front of the glass pile and begin to reason with the voice. 

“No, I can fix it myself. 

It’s not a big deal. 

It’s just a dumb pile of glass. 

Broken, beyond repair.” 

Once again, the voice gently says, 

“I love your brokenness. 

Give the broken glass to me, let me make it new.” 

I whimper,  “No. I don’t want you to have it. 

I don’t want you to see it. 

I don’t know what you will find. 

I know all too well what you will find. 

No.

I have failed so bad. 

No. 

It’s not good enough for you. 

No. 

It’s too bad, too ugly. 

There are things missing. 

There are things that shouldn’t be there. 

No.” 

The voice gently replies, 

“Give it to me, I want to see it. Let me have it.”

“No.”

“Jesus, I want to be free. 

I am tired of being in this place. 

I am sick of this area of sin in my life. 

Jesus, Forgive me. 

Set me free.”

Jesus replies, “You do not get to pick your sin. 

You cannot choose what I set you free from. 

It is all or nothing.”

“But Jesus, I am so desperate for freedom in this ONE little area!”

“I don’t work that way. 

I want it all. 

Let me have the broken glass. 

I want to see and touch every piece of brokenness. 

I want you to show me it all.”

“Jesus, that terrifies me. 

It is not pretty.”

“...........”

“Jesus…  

I will show you it all if you help me.

I know what is in that brokenness… 

I know that I cannot do this without your help. 

I am so desperate for freedom though. 

I will do whatever it takes.”

His hand picks up a shard of glass… 

“Jesus, I am so sorry for that one, I know that it is something you gave me that had great value. 

Look what I did to it! 

It’s broken. 

I am so sorry.”

The hand grips the shard of glass and drags it across the other hand, 

“My blood is enough for this.”

I grimace as Jesus looks down and picks up another shameful, jagged piece of glass. 

He slides the sharp edge along the palm of his hand and says, 

“My blood is enough for this.”

I begin to weep as he continues to do this with each piece of glass that represents things in my life.

“My blood is enough for this.”

“My blood is enough for this.”

“My blood is enough for this.”

I can’t believe what I am hearing.

He continues,

“My blood is enough for this.”

Blood drips from his hands. 

His blood covers the glass where my blood once was. All the years of clinging to the glass, of not wanting to let anyone see the mess, where I was wounded from holding on so tightly… 

His blood ran down.

“My blood is enough for this.”

“Daughter, don’t you see, my blood is enough for your brokenness. 

My blood is enough for your sin. 

My blood is enough for you.”

This is only the beginning. I don’t know where he is taking me. But I know this, His blood is enough for me. I will gladly follow him on this adventure.

Totally surrendered.

There is more to all this, but this is all that I will write for now. Jesus showed me what he did with the dirt and the pieces that didn't belong there as well. It was all equally powerful. I wept through all three visions. I cry every time I think about them. I am excited for what is to come. 

Jesus, help me to trust you more. Give me grace to love you rightly Lord.