Many people would call me crazy when they found out I decided to enter into a relationship with a man four weeks before I moved 14 hours away.
And maybe I was.
Maybe I still am.
But I can confidently say that during those three weeks, I learned more about Jesus than I did in years of discipleship combined. I gazed into the heart of Jesus during those three, short, fun weeks. I can't even begin to describe the work that was done in my heart because I chose to make a seemingly unwise, but prayerful decision. All I know is I met with Jesus, face to face and heart to heart.
From December 7 till now, I am still overwhelmed that throughout three years of ruthless rejection, Blake still wanted to be my friend. How much more does Father long for us with relentless, passionate love, despite our efforts to push him away! How deep the Father's love for us! I did nothing to deserve Blake's friendship or pursuit, and did everything to hurt him; but he still called me worthy. I have done nothing, in all my effort to be "good enough" for God, to deserve His affections, but He calls me Beloved. He sings over me with the refrain of my name, Loved One, Beloved.
This revelation brings me to tears nearly every time I think about it.
I had many, many fears about this relationship. Many fears. I like to have everything under control and everything make sense. I fought and fought with the idea of a possibly dead-end relationship. What was I thinking?! I don't possibly see a longterm future with this man. Why the heck! am I doing this?? ... These were daily battles I faced in my head. I knew that I had peace in my heart about it, but my head couldn't make sense of that! And don't even get me started on what others were asking and the opinions they were giving! Blake was so gracious with me. He assured me that he only wanted my best. He told me over and over that if I didn't want to go on, that he understood and that I could say the word at any moment. I knew that. I knew that he wanted the best for me. I knew that he was not being fake or selfish. I believed with everything in me that he genuinely was for my good. Blake was so gracious, merciful and compassionate. Just like the Father is. Father fights for our good. He is gracious with our struggle. He isn't afraid of our doubt or insecurity. He is big enough to handle our mistrust. Blake showed me what a real man is like. He cared for my heart above his desires. He guarded my heart well. I've been surrounded by men who just selfishly use others for their advantage. Blake wasn't like that. I could tell that he could be trusted. I knew that my heart was safe because he was fully surrendered to the Father, just like I am.
This past Sunday, we had our last date. Bowling. Funny that it ended the same way it began. He's a much better bowler than I am, but don't tell him I said that. ;-) Afterwards, we talked over dinner. I simply asked if we were making a mistake. I asked what we would do in January. After talking about it for a bit, we decided that it was best to just be friends. I knew that I would be unable to do the long distance thing and I wasn't even sure if I would ever move back to Louisiana. Again, Blake was more than gracious. I have taken this man back and forth, up and down over the years, but still, Grace is all he showed me.
Our relationship was high school boyfriend type short, but packed with beautiful gifts straight to my heart from the Father. To me, it doesn't matter if it was a wise decision or not, I know that it was the right decision. I will never doubt that. I know that the Father gifted me with the last three weeks to do a deep work in my heart that has been long overdue.
Lastly, I know that one day I will have a wonderful husband.
But, even more so, I know with everything in me, Blake will have a beautiful, gracious, loving, incredible wife. I know that God has a truly amazing woman for him because he is such a good gift. Blake reflects the heart of his Father, God. He looks just like Jesus. I have been greatly blessed, my life has been enriched, and my heart refreshed by the short time that I had with him.
And maybe I was.
Maybe I still am.
But I can confidently say that during those three weeks, I learned more about Jesus than I did in years of discipleship combined. I gazed into the heart of Jesus during those three, short, fun weeks. I can't even begin to describe the work that was done in my heart because I chose to make a seemingly unwise, but prayerful decision. All I know is I met with Jesus, face to face and heart to heart.
I met Blake when I was in seventh grade. He was in eighth, and of course, I was thrilled when he asked me to dance at the middle school dance. I remember walking on sunshine for days after that dance!
However, time went on, I transferred to a private school and communication ceased. I more or less forgot about him.
Six years later, I get a friend request on Facebook with a message from Blake. We eventually exchanged numbers and chatted here and there. Blake invited me several times to "hang out or something" and I always made myself busy because if I was going on a "date" it needed to be planned in advance and I wouldn't settle for it any other way. Soon enough, the stars aligned and I said yes to going bowling.
A lot of other things happened around this same time that aren't worth mentioning, however, it ended with me bluntly telling Blake to delete my number and I was deleting his.
Over the next three years, I would receive a text here and there from him. He was always kind and gracious. He was very understanding and gentle. Blake was relentless. However, I remained ruthless in pushing him away. I am so thankful for the grace and mercy of Jesus during that time because I was ruthless.
In the last couple months we began to chat again. We saw a couple movies together and ultimately decided that we were willing to give a more-than-friends relationship a chance on December 7.
Only after I tried to push him away and scare him off a couple more times... Relentless I tell you!!!!
Here I sit, January 2, reflecting back on the beauty of the last three weeks. I am sure that I sobbed every day the first week and a half as a result of the work that Father was doing in my heart.
The first movie that Blake and I saw together (with some other friends) was Frozen. Frozen is likely my new favorite movie. The theme of the movie is basically one of selfless love healing the frozen, hardened heart. It was during that time that one of the biggest truths overwhelmed me. I am worth loving. Not just worth God loving, but I am worth a man loving me. I always lived in fear that I would never be good enough to be in a relationship. That lie was quickly dissolved, which led to my being willing to give Blake a chance.
This revelation brings me to tears nearly every time I think about it.
I had many, many fears about this relationship. Many fears. I like to have everything under control and everything make sense. I fought and fought with the idea of a possibly dead-end relationship. What was I thinking?! I don't possibly see a longterm future with this man. Why the heck! am I doing this?? ... These were daily battles I faced in my head. I knew that I had peace in my heart about it, but my head couldn't make sense of that! And don't even get me started on what others were asking and the opinions they were giving! Blake was so gracious with me. He assured me that he only wanted my best. He told me over and over that if I didn't want to go on, that he understood and that I could say the word at any moment. I knew that. I knew that he wanted the best for me. I knew that he was not being fake or selfish. I believed with everything in me that he genuinely was for my good. Blake was so gracious, merciful and compassionate. Just like the Father is. Father fights for our good. He is gracious with our struggle. He isn't afraid of our doubt or insecurity. He is big enough to handle our mistrust. Blake showed me what a real man is like. He cared for my heart above his desires. He guarded my heart well. I've been surrounded by men who just selfishly use others for their advantage. Blake wasn't like that. I could tell that he could be trusted. I knew that my heart was safe because he was fully surrendered to the Father, just like I am.
This past Sunday, we had our last date. Bowling. Funny that it ended the same way it began. He's a much better bowler than I am, but don't tell him I said that. ;-) Afterwards, we talked over dinner. I simply asked if we were making a mistake. I asked what we would do in January. After talking about it for a bit, we decided that it was best to just be friends. I knew that I would be unable to do the long distance thing and I wasn't even sure if I would ever move back to Louisiana. Again, Blake was more than gracious. I have taken this man back and forth, up and down over the years, but still, Grace is all he showed me.
Our relationship was high school boyfriend type short, but packed with beautiful gifts straight to my heart from the Father. To me, it doesn't matter if it was a wise decision or not, I know that it was the right decision. I will never doubt that. I know that the Father gifted me with the last three weeks to do a deep work in my heart that has been long overdue.
Lastly, I know that one day I will have a wonderful husband.
But, even more so, I know with everything in me, Blake will have a beautiful, gracious, loving, incredible wife. I know that God has a truly amazing woman for him because he is such a good gift. Blake reflects the heart of his Father, God. He looks just like Jesus. I have been greatly blessed, my life has been enriched, and my heart refreshed by the short time that I had with him.
