Ramblings

I didn't have a blog planned to post this weekend, so I guess I will just ramble on for a little bit. This week was Holy Spirit and Peace Week. My small group had kitchen clean up and set up. Our surprises this week were the art museum and the John Mark McMillan concert. John Mark anD Sarah come play every year. They do it totally for free. It's a night that us students are just loved and lavished with good things. After a lovely dinner, we had to stay up at the farm house until they called us down. Once we were summoned, we walked down to the most beautiful set up (besides illuminary night). We had cheesecake for dessert under the beautiful lights and of course, coffee! John Mark did a beautiful job of ushering us into the presence of God. It was wonderful, but I had a really rough night. I spiraled for a while, and finally went to Melissa and asked her to pray with me. Ella (my small group leader) came over and rubbed my back and prayed for me too. I talked with Ella for like an hour after. Little Haven (Peach) came over and sat in my lap for a while because she was sleepy. She's probably my favorite 7 year old. She comes up to me every time she sees me and hugs me and says "Hey Joy!" Melts my heart every time!!!!
The Art museum was so stinking wonderful! I love Art museums so much! I wish we could have spent 4 more hours there! We had sketching permits, so that was super fun! I left feeling so full and inspired!
Today we are shopping and just hanging out! Again, I'm the only American!!!!! I'm with 4 other nations today- Costa Rica, Switzerland, Finland, and New Zealand. Full heart! :)

My date with the Trinity

I decided that I would share a little snippet from my journal entry from Tuesday. :) Enjoy! 

June 11
I just came back from the first date that didn't end in shame or rejection. A date with the Trinity. I told Him I didn't want to leave that moment and He told me the most beautiful thing. That I can come back there anytime!!! I have open access to His heart. To His time. I can commune with Him any time! It doesn't have to be big and dramatic. He wants to meet with my heart every moment!!! I have zero resistance to you Trinity. Any moment. I say yes. Any thing. I say yes.
Every relationship requires trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. Tonight, I chose the path of trust. I chose the way of trust. That path led to the most beautiful beginnings of relationship. I put on the blindfold. I was led, lovingly, gently. The eyes in my head could not see, but the eyes of my heart were opened wide. I was led to a gate. When I took off the blindfold, in front of me was the gate lined with tea candles, and behind that gate stood staff and interns, family. They slowly opened the gate and made a path for us to walk into the field where we lined up to receive a huge piece of a loaf of bread and a big wine glass full of juice. We then walked out into the field filled with illuminaries all over. I've never seen so many candle lumineers in my life. They appeared to stretch for ever over and down the hill. Scattered throughout the lumineers in the field were white chairs. I found a white chair and I sat down for my date with the Trinity. We were told we had an hour. Time flew. It was the shortest hour of my life. I sat and communed with the Trinity. The Father and I had a long moment, the Spirit and I had a moment, and Jesus and I had a moment. At first, all I could say is "I'm so unworthy. I don't deserve this." But the Father wrapped His arms around me, Jesus looked me in the eyes and said, You were worth every bit, you are the joy that was set before me.
I saw this picture in my mind of Jesus walking towards me, step by step, eyes locked on mine. With each step he took he said I love you. I want you. You are Beloved. It was the most gorgeous proposal ever. He affirmed my identity. He filled my very body. And he began to strip away all the layers of hurt and fear and distrust. The last time I was blindfolded, I could trust no one. I was told to trust the person in front of me. But I wasn't safe. I was made to wander through parking lots and fields, aimlessly, with leaders poking branches in my face and in front of my feet to make me trip and to scare me. But this time, I was held on to. Ella's hand tight around mine, her arm, secure around my back. She whispered "your safe, you're doing great, I've got you" over and over. She told me where to step. She told me exactly what my feet needed to do. Every step of the way. Trust. Found in the Father, Formed in the Family. 

Dreams

Thursday night, June 6^th, I had the first dream since I’ve been here. It was odd that I went nearly a week without dreaming because I dream vividly pretty much every night. Thursday night I had a very strange dream. When I woke up, it was kind of difficult to escape from the dream. It felt so real. The dream was very odd. I realized more and more how odd it was as I tried to tell my roommates about it. I tried to write it off as just a weird dream. Maybe it was just all the caffeine that I had consumed before falling to sleep… But here I am, 3 days later, June 9^th, and I was talking with Grace about the weird dreams I’ve had lately (the next night I had 2 strange dreams again.) I briefly shared the first dream with her, but I kind of just shrugged it off. Another conversation started between Hope and Lindsey, but Grace looked at me and asked me about my dream some more. So I told her more details.

In my dream I was in a film class. It was the last day of class and we had a final due. My professor loved my project so she set up an appointment for me to bring it to present to a filmmaker who was in town. [Odd detail: My film professor also had assigned us a running assignment, We had to run 3.1 miles every day, and had to turn in our log that day as well.] As I was on my way to bring my project to the filmmaker, my ex-husband saw me. (Just to clarify cause I threw a couple of my roommates off- I do NOT have an ex-husband… I’ve never been married) My ex-husband was very upset with me and wanted to hurt me because I had left Him. He thought I had cheated on him and I had emotionally hurt him badly. He began to chase me. (Thankfully, I had been running every day!!!! Haha!) He chased me through so many obstacles; I was climbing walls and jumping over park benches. Eventually He caught me. Just before he began to hurt me, he saw that I was still wearing the ring.  I explained to him that I still loved him and I didn’t want to leave him, but I had to.

Then I had the same dream a second time. Only this time it was a little different. He saw me and began to chase me and I started to run. I got to the filmmakers house and I began to show him the film. My ex-husband was chasing me, but he couldn’t get to me. The principal stepped in. She blocked his way and put her hand on his chest so he couldn’t go any further. She told him that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. She said that our marriage was over and that he needed to go away. I continued to show the filmmaker my project and my hearts pace began to slow. I felt a little sad as I saw the look on his face outside the window, but I felt so free at the same time.

Then I woke up.

Grace helped me see that my dream could be more than just weird coffee. She mentioned running from old mindsets and fearing discipline and immediately I realized why the dream stuck with me so much and resonated so loudly. The Father began to show me some specific things in the dreams.

My ex-husband definitely represents old mindsets that I have had for years and years. Striving to be good enough, fear of man, fear of failure, self condemnation, trying to please people, building walls to protect my heart, not letting people in, not letting people know me. In the first dream, I didn’t make it to the filmmaker’s house (My heart bing seen and known) because those old mindsets caught me. Mindsets of “You’ll never be good enough”, “Discipline is harsh”, “You will not be accepted”, “It’s your fault, you deserve to be punished”, “You deserve to be hurt”. “You must build walls and not let people in to protect your heart”, “You’re not safe”- mindsets that I divorced were chasing me. They shouted loudly at me. I didn’t know how to let them go. Because I have been hurt so deeply, I didn’t want to hurt my ex-husband, so I let him stick around. I believed what he told me; the filmmaker would reject me, I wasn’t good enough. I stopped running.

The second dream was different though. Rather than being caught by those old mindsets, I kept running to the filmmaker’s house. I chose to believe that my heart was safe. As I shared my project (my heart, who I am) with the filmmaker, another stepped in and told my ex-husband that it was over, that I left him and it was finished. They told him that there was a restraining order and he couldn’t control me anymore.

The father began to speak to me about these old mindsets and self-protection strategies I had been married to. I married him during a time when my heart was broken from rejection. I needed protection. I needed to protect my heart from the abuse that I was receiving from a variety of places- friends, relationships, and church leadership. Those walls and methods of protecting myself were coping mechanisms that were necessary for me to survive. But I no longer need them. Now, they are poison to me. I have divorced them. I don’t need them. My heart can be known. I can be known. I am accepted. I am a daughter. My Father is WELL Pleased with me. Who I am is good. I am enough. I don’t deserve to be hurt. I am worth loving. I am worth extravagant love. I am worth real friendships. I deserve it.

Worthlessness, I am not your wife. Self hate, I am not married to you. Lovelessness, you have no control over me. Not Enough, you are not my husband. Fear, you are not my leader.

Father, Spirit, Son, take me in to the depths of your heart. You are my husband. You are committed to me. You call me Enough. You call me Beloved. You call me Daughter. You are well pleased with  me. I am secure. I am loved. I am worth loving. 

Week One: Father week

Wow.
I don't know where to start. I don't know how to put into words what this week has been for me. I don't know that I will ever be able to fully explain it all.
The first night, we had this beautiful dinner with out small groups. It was absolutely amazing. After dinner, all the staff and interns gathered around us and prayed for us. I have never felt that much love and that wanted in my life (I will say that many times because everyday I am loved more and my heart comes more alive). I sobbed. David grabbed me as I walked by and pulled me into the tightest hug I've had in a long time and just encouraged me and told me how he's been praying for me and what he heard the Father speaking over me.
Every staff and intern here knows all of our names, ages, and where we are from already. They knew who I was when I drove up in my car. They all had pictures of us and have been praying for us specifically for months. Wow. Seriously, So loved!!!!
This week was Father week. We got to know God as Father. Our fruit of the Spirit of the week was Love. I have never known the Father in this way. He is so good. He is so close. He is so full of love. He wants me more than I want him to want me.

Something that we talked about this week is the wrong beliefs that we have about God. At the root of every sin is a wrong belief. Behind every action is a feeling and a thought and behind every thought and feeling is a belief about God of about ourself. Wether that belief is who I am is not good enough or God cannot be trusted or God is trying to keep me from being satisfied or find pleasure. Behind every sin action is a wrong belief that needs to have the truth shined on it. Repentance should be a joy filled expression of the truth of God. Prostitutes and Tax collectors dance their way to heaven ahead of the pharisees and religious people. God is so good and loving. The only sorrow that I should feel over repentance is in the realization that I have been living in lovelessness, apart from His love. Repentance is returning to the place where we are thinking and seeing with God again. Repentance isn't an "I did this wrong." It's an "I believed this about You."

We live out the image of God that we see, so if we see God as angry, controlling, and unfair, then we will live that image. 

Since being here, I have heard from the Father in some pretty beautiful ways! He has shown me pictures and told me stories that have rocked my world. 

"We distort what we hear to fit what we feel." the things that we are fearful of, "I will be rejected" cause us to receive messages that fulfill that fear. We distort what we hear to fit what we feel- leading to our fear being fulfilled. (This is seen a lot in text messages- you interpret the other person's tone by what you believe about yourself.)

Our struggle with passages in the Bible most frequently are a result of a wrong belief about the nature of God. My belief about God is the only thing that determines everything. 

Father week has been phenomenal. So healing. There are pages and pages and pages in my journal about all that the Father is doing in me and all that He has spoken to me, I can't even begin to scratch the surface of all that's going on in this blog entry. 

In fact, I don't even think I totally know it all yet. Much processing to be done. 

Saturday is our wifi day. We have all committed to drawing away from the business of life and are committed to intentional community with the people around us. So that's why I have been absent. I will try to post every saturday. I can't even guarantee that will happen though. I love it here so much. I do miss friends and family though. But I am learning to rest and to just BE. It is beautiful.