Thursday night, June 6th, I had the first dream since I’ve been here. It was odd that I went nearly a week without dreaming because I dream vividly pretty much every night. Thursday night I had a very strange dream. When I woke up, it was kind of difficult to escape from the dream. It felt so real. The dream was very odd. I realized more and more how odd it was as I tried to tell my roommates about it. I tried to write it off as just a weird dream. Maybe it was just all the caffeine that I had consumed before falling to sleep… But here I am, 3 days later, June 9th, and I was talking with Grace about the weird dreams I’ve had lately (the next night I had 2 strange dreams again.) I briefly shared the first dream with her, but I kind of just shrugged it off. Another conversation started between Hope and Lindsey, but Grace looked at me and asked me about my dream some more. So I told her more details.
In my dream I was in a film class. It was the last day of class and we had a final due. My professor loved my project so she set up an appointment for me to bring it to present to a filmmaker who was in town. [Odd detail: My film professor also had assigned us a running assignment, We had to run 3.1 miles every day, and had to turn in our log that day as well.] As I was on my way to bring my project to the filmmaker, my ex-husband saw me. (Just to clarify cause I threw a couple of my roommates off- I do NOT have an ex-husband… I’ve never been married) My ex-husband was very upset with me and wanted to hurt me because I had left Him. He thought I had cheated on him and I had emotionally hurt him badly. He began to chase me. (Thankfully, I had been running every day!!!! Haha!) He chased me through so many obstacles; I was climbing walls and jumping over park benches. Eventually He caught me. Just before he began to hurt me, he saw that I was still wearing the ring. I explained to him that I still loved him and I didn’t want to leave him, but I had to.
Then I had the same dream a second time. Only this time it was a little different. He saw me and began to chase me and I started to run. I got to the filmmakers house and I began to show him the film. My ex-husband was chasing me, but he couldn’t get to me. The principal stepped in. She blocked his way and put her hand on his chest so he couldn’t go any further. She told him that it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. She said that our marriage was over and that he needed to go away. I continued to show the filmmaker my project and my hearts pace began to slow. I felt a little sad as I saw the look on his face outside the window, but I felt so free at the same time.
Then I woke up.
Grace helped me see that my dream could be more than just weird coffee. She mentioned running from old mindsets and fearing discipline and immediately I realized why the dream stuck with me so much and resonated so loudly. The Father began to show me some specific things in the dreams.
My ex-husband definitely represents old mindsets that I have had for years and years. Striving to be good enough, fear of man, fear of failure, self condemnation, trying to please people, building walls to protect my heart, not letting people in, not letting people know me. In the first dream, I didn’t make it to the filmmaker’s house (My heart bing seen and known) because those old mindsets caught me. Mindsets of “You’ll never be good enough”, “Discipline is harsh”, “You will not be accepted”, “It’s your fault, you deserve to be punished”, “You deserve to be hurt”. “You must build walls and not let people in to protect your heart”, “You’re not safe”- mindsets that I divorced were chasing me. They shouted loudly at me. I didn’t know how to let them go. Because I have been hurt so deeply, I didn’t want to hurt my ex-husband, so I let him stick around. I believed what he told me; the filmmaker would reject me, I wasn’t good enough. I stopped running.
The second dream was different though. Rather than being caught by those old mindsets, I kept running to the filmmaker’s house. I chose to believe that my heart was safe. As I shared my project (my heart, who I am) with the filmmaker, another stepped in and told my ex-husband that it was over, that I left him and it was finished. They told him that there was a restraining order and he couldn’t control me anymore.
The father began to speak to me about these old mindsets and self-protection strategies I had been married to. I married him during a time when my heart was broken from rejection. I needed protection. I needed to protect my heart from the abuse that I was receiving from a variety of places- friends, relationships, and church leadership. Those walls and methods of protecting myself were coping mechanisms that were necessary for me to survive. But I no longer need them. Now, they are poison to me. I have divorced them. I don’t need them. My heart can be known. I can be known. I am accepted. I am a daughter. My Father is WELL Pleased with me. Who I am is good. I am enough. I don’t deserve to be hurt. I am worth loving. I am worth extravagant love. I am worth real friendships. I deserve it.
Worthlessness, I am not your wife. Self hate, I am not married to you. Lovelessness, you have no control over me. Not Enough, you are not my husband. Fear, you are not my leader.
Father, Spirit, Son, take me in to the depths of your heart. You are my husband. You are committed to me. You call me Enough. You call me Beloved. You call me Daughter. You are well pleased with me. I am secure. I am loved. I am worth loving.