Saturday, October 13, 2012

Taking the Fall

I don’t want to write this blog post. I don’t want to be this real. I don’t want you to know what I am dealing with. I don't want to. Because I don't want to, I know I need to. So give me grace as you read this, friend. Cause I know I need grace. Desperately. 
The past several months have been filled with huge victories for me. I have experienced freedom and healing and life in a way that I had never known possible. I can't even begin to express to you how much freedom I have experienced. Deep parts of my heart have been exposed and Truth has won. Love has won. Love is winning. Truth is winning. 
Somewhere along the journey...
I let pride take hold.
I decided that I could do it on my own.
I decided that I could say no to sin on my own.
I decided that I could say no to bad attitudes, bitterness, and fear on my own.


I decided that I didn't have to be vulnerable with sisters in my life.
I decided that I didn't need to confess the little things...
After all, there was grace.

False again.

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

There is nothing humble about where I have been the past couple weeks.


Nothing graceful about it either.

I have been bitter, offended, offensive, rude, unlovely, pushed people away who were trying to love me. I have done everything I can to prove that I should be rejected. I have tried to convince people that I was doing well, when really I was struggling. I have tried to find healing in things that bring no healing. I have tried to find freedom in things that only wrap me in bondage.

I have kicked and screamed and fought and ran and threw a big tantrum just because I didn't want to let a sister in. I was angry that she cared enough to ask the hard questions.
I didn't think I was deserving of that.
It pissed me off that she is so young and so wise and loved so deeply.

Ouch. That one hurt to admit.

I could go on to tell how pride comes before the fall...
But the fall isn't as important as the getting back up.

What did I learn in the fall?

I desperately need sisters in my life who will be honest with me.
I desperately need sisters to help me keep myself in check.
I can't do life alone.
Even more.
I DESPERATELY need God's word and presence in my life.
I cannot say no to temptation without Him.
I cannot forgive others without Him.
I cannot be humble without Him.

Ultimately, I am accountable TO Jesus.
I am accountable WITH sisters in my life.

I am so thankful that I have women who are willing to do life with me. I am so blessed.
I told someone that she was the thorn in my side to help keep me humble.
But she is so much more than that.
She is my saucy friend. She is my partner in antagonizing a mutual friend. She is my Friday hangout buddy.
She is my sister.
And I get to do life with her.

Jesus, You are the perfect example of one who is humble. You took on the body of a human. You took on the form of a servant. You took on my sin. You took on my filth. Because You love me. Because You wanted me. Give me grace to walk humbly with my God. Give me grace to follow Your example.

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