Never an afterthought

Something that has been wrecking me lately is the reality of being on the front of the Father’s mind. I have never been an afterthought. I have never been on the back burner. I was never a “screw-it-I’ll-give-her-a-chance” to Father. He has never once forgotten about me. He has never once wanted to exchange me for something better.

From the dawn of creation, He has had absolutely everything that you could imagine. He created everything that you could imagine to bring pleasure to anyone anywhere. He created the sun, moon, and stars. He knows the depth of the seas and the height of the skies. He dances on the clouds, and frolics through fields of wildflowers. He looks out over valleys from the heights of mountain peaks. He lays beside trickling springs and rumbling oceans. He has it all.

Yet,

He. Adopted. Me. 

I am His prized possession. I am the one whom he directs all His affection upon.

The way He purchased me gives proof to my value to Him. I wasn’t a flippant purchase.

He thought long and hard. Charts and graphs, pros and cons. He sorted through it all. He knew me fully. He examined my heart. He examined my nature. He knew my tendency to wander. He knew my weaknesses. And still he said, “I want her”. His choosing of me echoes. His delight over me ripples. He sings over me in my sleep; He dances over me in my wake.

He lavishes extravagant love on me. Forever. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him to return me to my former state. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him that I am not worthy. He has never once regretted purchasing me with the precious blood of Jesus. I have never depreciated in value. I have never been a burden to Him. He is wildly obsessed with me.

I. 

Delight. 

My. 

Maker. 

And so do you.

Wet kisses

I have many favorite bible passages, but my favorite parable in the entire New Testament is one that we are all familiar with. Pretty much anyone who has spent any time around Christians or the church has at least heard this one twice. It's that familiar. I'm going paraphrase it, I'm sure you will know the one I'm talking about within the first sentence. 

(If not, check out Luke 15) 

There was this really rich guy who had two sons. His younger son approached him one day and said, "Pops, I know you aren't dead yet, but let's pretend you are dead to me and go ahead and give me all my inheritance. I want all my half of what you got." The father, being a good father, obliged and let the teenager have his inheritance early to do with it as he pleased. The boy ran off and spent all the money on alcohol, drugs, sex, and the like. Basically he spent the money on filthy things that his dad probably would never have approved of. Finally, the boy found himself working for another man, doing the nasty work- feeding the pigs and cleaning up after them. He had spent all his money and had no food. He was so hungry that even the slop he fed the pigs looked delicious. The boy finally wises up and realizes that even his dad's hired slaves have it better than he does now. He decides to return home and beg his dad to take him in as a slave. 

The father sees the boy from way down the road, the bible says a long way off, and the father begins to run towards his son. He is sprinting, whooping and hollering from deep wells of joy and pleasure- His son has come home! 

Before the boy can even get a word out of his mouth, the father plants a big, sloppy kiss on his filthy, pig-crap covered cheek, throws a robe and ring (of authority) on him and hollers for someone to kill the prized calf for the biggest block celebration party in history. 

The boy's older brother got pretty ticked off at the father because he was faithful and loyal and did everything right but never got this kind of celebration before. The father reaffirms his love for him and tells him that he's great and has access to all his brother is getting and more simply because he's a son. 

And the party goes on. 

This story is referenced in nearly every altar call in the church. Everyone has been one of the brothers, well, really both of them, at one point or another in their life. It's a sweet story where the boy is forgiven, but I think we sometimes miss the big picture. 

The parable is known as the prodigal son. If you ask someone about it, they will tell you "oh, it's about this kid who wasted everything and then got back on track and his dad threw a party". 

But if I can change the title of this parable, if I can help you see that this parable isn't at all what we have come to accept it to be, please give me that honor. 

This story isn't about the son. 

It's not about the filthy son.

 It's not about the faithful son. 

It's not about throwing really rad parties. 

This story is about the Father. He is the point if the story. 

The story is about the Father's goodness, not about the sons' filth or faithfulness. 

Thank God! Thank God that our Father in heaven is that good Father! Thank God that when we were filthy in sin he ran down the road to plant a big, wet redeeming kiss on our cheek. Thank God that when we pout and complain that it's not fair that we have been so good while others have been so bad he lifts up our chin, and sings songs of delight and extravagant love over us and speaks to our identity as sons and daughters. 

Thank God that he is good-er than we ever imagined!!! 

The son thought he would beg to be a slave, but the Father surprised him big. The Father gave him the authority of his name. The son didn't have to earn the Father's trust back. He didn't have to prove himself. He didn't have to beg and plead. The Father was watching and waiting for the day that the son would carry his name, his identity, and walk in the authority that is his, simply because he is a son. 

So today, where ever we are, whoever we feel we identify most with, forget it. Forget who you feel most like.

Quiet your heart and mind. 

Listen. 

Hear that? 

That sound is the pounding of the Father's feet coming down the dirt road to plant a big kiss on your cheek. 

That's the rhythm of Him singing his pleasure over you. 

He is more good than you ever wished you could imagine. 

Step into your identity as a beloved son or daughter of a really, really, good, glad, kind, loving, dad. You dad is in a really good mood. 

Scary prayers

Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of praying something only to realize that you are praying the scariest prayer of your life?
Yeah?
Well I've caught myself mid sentence of some pretty awful prayers lately. The one that scares me the most happened about an hour ago.
Inviting Jesus into the depths of the closet of my heart. Opening the "junk drawer" of my heart wide and saying "Here, Jesus, Come and dig around. Clean it out. Do what you will with the items you find."

This is where I panic.

Ummm..... did I leave it in the drawer... or is it shoved under the bed?
I really hope he doesn't find THAT THING in the closet... that would be painful.
Oops, I haven't dug through that drawer in a while... I'm kind of scared of what I might remember if I let him dig around.

Then I begin to try to rewind my prayer...

No, Jesus, You see, you don't want to go in that closet...it's kinda dusty... your allergies might act up... *cough*
Jesus, you don't have time to go through the drawer, I understand... there are other things we need to sort though... like what the heck am I supposed to be doing with the next five years of my life.... yeah, that's the important stuff.
PLEASE JESUS, It's too painful for me to let you go through that closet... the things I have shoved in there hurt too much... I know you don't want to inflict harm on me right!!!????

But it's too late...

With His tender hands and loving eyes He looks right at me, almost like He is looking deep in me, He holds up an item.
I cringe as the memory floods back to me.
Tears begin to flow.
Jesus, I can explain that...
Jesus, I don't want to let that memory go.
Jesus, please, it hurts too badly to remember.
Jesus, no.

He takes out a stamp
Across that item, He stamps the most beautiful thing.
Paid for.

He reaches back in the drawer and pulls out another item.
He writes.
Redeemed.

And another.
Freed.

Again.
Healed.

The next one.
Restored.

One by one.
He stamps His name across my filth.
Across my sin.
Across the things that have wounded me.
Across the things that I am ashamed of.

I created this one to soar.


All that hold me are paper chains. The lock is broken. The door is open. Jesus, teach me how to fly.

Sin and Grace

We are taught from day one in Sunday School about Adam and Eve and the fall of mankind. Every Sunday preachers dance around the pulpit and hoot and holler about Romans 3:23 and how sin separates us from God. We all can quote the verses in the "Roman's Road" and we know how to prove to sinners that they deserve hell because they have "missed the mark". 

And then we sin. 

We fail.

We give in to temptation. 

and

We dive headfirst into a sea of condemnation.

God says that He throws our sin into a sea of forgetfulness, but we just don't believe it. 

We are the exception.

Can we rewind for a moment? 

Can we revisit that Bible story we all know so well?

Genesis 3 (Paraphrase)

The snake pays the woman a little visit (She has not been named Eve yet. 

This little snake says, "So woman, did God really tell you that you can't eat from the trees in this beautiful garden?" 

Our woman friend was like, "No. We can eat from all of the trees except for this one little tree in the middle of this huge garden. We can't even touch that tree cause we will die." 

Mr. Snake was sneaky, he exclaimed, "You won't REALLY die!! You'll actually become gods! You will know good and evil."

Now, if you are a woman, you know that we are prone to having moments of weakness from time to time... Oh what I wouldn't give for ice cream on a hot summer day!! The woman in our story had a moment just like that!

The woman saw the tree and the fruit of the tree and realized that it looked pretty darn good. Her mouth began to water and her stomach growled.  She decided to take a bite. Then she shared it with her hubby. 

If you are a woman, you know that if you are going to give in to that ice cream sunday you feel a whole heck of a lot better if you have a friend who will give in to it with you! That's what she did. 

As soon as Adam and the woman ate from the tree, their eyes were open and they realized that they were completely naked!  Uh oh!  "This is awkward!" they thought, "We need some sort of clothes!" So they made themselves some nice, organic, eco friendly clothing to wear.

Here is my favorite part... You ready for it? Get ready!

They hear God's footsteps. Just like every other day before, God comes down and calls out to Adam. 

Just like every other day.

Just like God did the day before.

Just like God did.

Always.

Always Had.

God came down to hang out. 

Just like he always had done.

Before they disobeyed.

Before they sinned.

God came down to hang out.

Did God not know they disobeyed Him?

Did God miss the memo that sin separates us from Him? 

Did God skip class the day the teacher taught on how God is supposed to turn His back on the bad little humans who have a moment (or a lifetime) of sin?

Was God confused?

(The place where the Devil lives) 

No. 

Adam and the woman hear God coming. 

They freak out.

"Oh crap. We messed up!" 

They ran and hid from the presence of God.

Adam and the woman hid.

Adam and the woman separated themselves from God.

The worst part about sin is that is causes us to separate ourselves from God. 

Our shame, our guilt, our condemnation.

We run from God.

God wants to meet with us 5 seconds after we have fed our addiction just as much as he wants to meet with us the day that we lead 12 people to the Lord, baptize 8, and spend 7 hours in the prayer room. 

God isn't afraid of our sin. 

God isn't ashamed of our nakedness. 

We are the ones who make the nakedness awkward. 

We are the ones who turn our backs.

We are the ones who separate ourselves. 

We do.

Not God.

Us.

When we sin or are tempted to sin the we need to run boldly into the throne room of God. 

Not hide from it. 

Hebrews 4:16 

ESV- Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

ISV- So let us KEEP ON COMING boldly to the throne of grace, so that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

YLT- We may come near, then, with freedom, to the throne of the grace, that we may receive kindness, and find grace--for seasonable help.

NLT- So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Get the point?

God wants us. 

He doesn't want our show.

He doesn't want to see how good we can be.

He wants us. 

Just because I know that some will disagree with this...

Yes, we need to live lives of holiness. 

Yes, we need to obey God.

Yes.

When eradicating sin is your focus, sin will be your identity.

When loving Jesus is your focus, holiness will be your identity. 

I have found more freedom from temptation than I ever have before when I just fell in love with Jesus. 

When Jesus is the center of my attention, sin doesn't get my attention.

The last thing I want to mention is about Romans 3:23.

We all know it. 

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." 

Honestly, I could go on to talk about the following verses that make this point, 

but I just want to focus on the one verse right now.

Come short---> hystereō

It means to come late or tardily to. 

We come late to the glory of God. 

Glory of God ---> Doxa

A most glorious condition, most exalted state

Of that condition with God the Father in heaven to which Christ was raised after he had achieved his work on earth

The glorious condition fo blessedness into which is appointed and promised that true Christians shall enter after their Savior's return from heaven

Yes, we must repent when we sin. That is a given. I am in no way saying that we can live in sin with no consequences. The Bible clearly states that there are eternal consequences for sin. But what I am saying is that our sin shouldn't cause us to run and hide in a closet away from God. 

I feel that the body of Christ as a whole has done a huge injustice to broken people. 

Sinners sin.

Christians sin.

We sin.

But we have no reason to separate ourselves from God when He is walking through the garden calling us. He still wants us. Even in our sin.

Final thought:

What would have been different if Adam and Eve had not hidden from God? 

Do you think that things may have been different had they repented right there?

Obviously there would have still needed to be a sacrifice... Jesus was sacrificed before the foundation of the earth. 

But would anything have been different? 

Let me know what you think. :)

Creator of Creativity

I love to be creative. One thing that I love to do is paint. I stopped for a while and I don't know why. Today, I got to paint with a friend. At first, I was really nervous because she is really good, but I decided to put that aside and just be free. And, to take it a step farther, I painted something that I have NEVER painted before. It really brought me to a place of deep breakthrough though. I wanted to paint a picture that expressed a verse that I have been clinging to lately. "My Grace is sufficient for you. My Strength is made perfect in your weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9 My friend helped to to get a picture of that in my mind, and as I began to paint it, that truth worked it's way into my heart. 
His grace is all that I need. There is no other thing. It is a simple path to Holiness. A simple path to Jesus. His Grace.
Nothing else.
I don't have to strive or work or do a special dance to be good enough or holy enough for Him. I just have to rely on His Grace. His Grace empowers. His Grace releases. His Grace frees. I was freed by Grace today. I know that it is a process of learning to totally depend on His Grace, but I know that today is the day I learned what that means. I am secure in His grace. 
The more I painted, the more that truth sunk deep within me. 


Painting is so therapeutic. It helps to calm your mind. There are no rules in art. It's freeing to be as expressive as you want. The canvas doesn't judge. :-) 


After finishing the first painting, and the second and third both drying to prepare for the next step with them I began to ask some pretty big things from the Lord. I have been praying big prayers lately and I have been getting some pretty big answers too. 
Tomorrow, I want to begin to try to express the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. I'm sure this one will take some time... and a lot of seeking Jesus. :-) But it is something that I want to do.


I was thinking about how much I love to be creative though as I was cleaning up and I just asked God, "God, how creative are you?"... and then He laughed... and I did too. He is the Creator of Creativity! (Mind blown!) He created everything! He created the entire world. He created me! I am His masterpiece. More than that, He created me in His image. Jesus is wearing a body like mine right now. He has eyes, hair, skin, fingerprints. Jesus has his very own fingerprint. He is so beautiful. I am created in His image. 


Genesis 1:26-27 

"Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."


Wow. 


Psalm 139:13-18
"For your created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you."


There is so much that I want to write out that I don't even know where to start!


When I began to paint, I knew what this painting was going to mean to me. I knew exactly what its purpose was. For me it was a reminder of His grace. I saw the whole picture in my mind before my brush touched the canvas. I pretty much knew where it was going to go when I got finished with it too. 
When God created me, He knew all of that and more. He created me. He knit me together. He saw my unformed body... just like  saw the blank canvas. I don't think that it is a coincidence that verse 16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God put those two independent clauses together for a reason. I thought me up before he put his brush to the canvas. He planned it all out. His thoughts are precious. 


I am overwhelmed at the thought of that. 


I said that the next thing I want to paint is an expression of the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. After my mind was blown by God being the creator of creativity, I asked, "Jesus, what do your eyes look like? Can I see your eyes?" (It's a crazy question I know... but I've been praying crazy prayers lately.) 


That's when I realized He has real eyes, just like me. 
Jesus, The savior of the world has eyes like mine. Are they blue? Green? Brown? I don't know. But I know he has real eyes. 
That's when it hit me. We are made in His image. He is a man. I can see a glimpse of His eyes when I see his children's eyes. Eyes of love and acceptance. Eyes of passion and fire. Eyes that burn and heal at the same time. 


I have some pretty great, Christ-like people in my life that I can talk with about my failures, joy, dreams and desires... but I don't think I have ever looked them in the eye when telling them of my failures or secret dreams or the desires I have deep in my heart. I have feared what I would see in those eyes. I have feared that I would see disappointment, shock, disapproval, rejection, or scorn. But Jesus' eyes are filled with love and joy. Jesus Laughs. He smiles. Jesus looks at me with love and acceptance. If these people that I am able to talk to have his eyes, I should see those same things in their eyes. I have avoided them because of fear of rejection for so long. Because of this, I have likely missed out on seeing the acceptance, love and joy of Jesus in their eyes. Jesus uses his people to show his heart to the world. How much have I missed because I feared rejection from his people, an ultimately, from him? 


Back to that verse... His "EYES SAW my unformed body" and his thoughts toward me "outnumber the grains of sand."




Lastly,
When David sinned with Bathsheba, he told Nathan he sinned... but Nathan replied, "Yes, you have sinned, but God has forgiven you." So while David was beating himself up for his dumb choice, God had already forgiven him and was waiting for him to move forward. 
It is sometimes extremely difficult for me to forgive myself. I try to walk around in self condemnation. So much so that the enemy doesn't even have to try to get me to beat myself up... I just do. But today I re-realized that God Forgives. He doesn't hold my mistakes or sin over my head, waiting for me to mess up just so he can remind me how awful I am. He totally and completely forgives. He is waiting on me to forgive myself and move on though. He won't do anything until I get up out of the dust and push forward. I realize that my unforgiveness towards myself and my self pity is a major hinderance to my freedom and growth. It keeps me in the trap of the enemy... when Jesus has already set me free. 




Today was an intense day to say the least. :-) 

In progress...

There was a little girl named Leehi*. She loved her father very much. She loved to see him smile. His smile was warm and could be felt from miles away. She loved to hear his laugh. His laugh would fill the room with joy. She found great satisfaction in serving him. She would have given anything to make him happy and see him smile. Leehi and her father had an amazing relationship. She enjoyed talking with him. She told him everything. They would laugh and play. Leehi loved it when he picked her up and twirled her around. Nothing could separate them. The bond they had was strong.
As the years went on, Leehi began to grow older and made more friends. She still loved her father, but she loved her social life too. She wanted to explore the world. She was curious about what all life had to offer. She decided to pack her bag and set off on an adventure. She explored many countries of the world. She loved her new friends and all the fun things they introduced her to. She enjoyed staying out late and trying new things. Her friends led her to many new places. She began to try things she had never experienced before. Things that she knew her father wouldn't approve of. The kind of things she had been warned about by her father. She knew it was wrong, but she thought,

 "Oh, I'll just do it this once. It's not a big deal. What could it hurt anyway?" 

She soon learned how wrong she was to think that.  

She was quickly sucked in to these new, bad things. She found her self addicted and alone. Her friends left her. She had no one to turn to. 

So she hid. 

Alone.

Scared.

Addicted.

Lost.

She thought back to her childhood. When she felt safe. 

When she was loved.

She remembered dancing with her father. 

She missed him.

Yes. She missed him more than words could describe.

"How could I ever go back?"

"I have messed up so bad." 

"I don't even look the same."

"I am dirty."

"I left him...even after he warned me... I still did all these things."

"He is disappointed in me."

"How could he not be disappointed in me?"

"Look what I have done..."

"Maybe he will give me one more chance... maybe..."

"I don't know if I even remember the way back home though..."

These are the thoughts that flooded her mind. Day after day. Finally she got up the nerve to try to journey back home to her father. Fearing that he might never love her again, she anxiously made her way back home. She knew that all she had to do was knock and her father would let her in... but would he love her? She decided that she would do whatever it took to make him love her again. 

When she saw her father, tears streamed down her face. 

He embraced her. 

He spun her around. 

He held her.

He wiped the tears from her cheeks.

He cleaned her up.

Gave her new clothes.

He smiled at her.

Would it last?

After she told him all the things she did, would he still smile at her?

Days went by. Leehi and her dad spent time together. He told her how much he missed her. How glad he was for her to be back. He told her he loved her.

She didn't believe it.

After all she had done, how could he love her?

So she began to work.

She labored day in and day out. She did everything she knew how to do plus more. 

She strived to make him happy. She wanted to give him the best she could.

She worked.

And worked.

And worked.

She tired herself out.

But kept working.

All the while her father just wanted her. He just wanted to be with her. He loved HER. Yes, her working was helpful, but that's not what he was pleased with. He may have had his daughter back... but he still missed her. He missed the times they had once shared. He missed her being delighted in him. He missed being able to just lavish his love on her. She wouldn't let him. He saw that she felt she was unworthy of his love. He knew the weight of the guilt she carried and it broke his heart. Wanting her to realize who she is, he wrote her a letter. When he was finished, he folded the letter and put it in an envelope and placed it on her pillow.

That night, as she lay down to sleep, she found the letter. She opened it and through tears she read...

Daughter,

You have been mine from the beginning. I have always loved you. 

I have seen you grow. I have seen you learn. Yes, you have made mistakes. But you are not the sum of your mistakes. 

You are beautiful. You are mine. I love you. 

I don't want your efforts. I don't want your work.

 I want you.

Don't you know who you belong to?

 Me.

 Nothing can change that. 

You can do the most horrible things in the world and I will still love you. 

Nothing will change my love for you.

 Stop carrying the guilt. Stop trying to gain my approval.

Just rest. 

Take a break. 

Sit with me.

I miss you. 

Your name says it all. YOU ARE MINE. 

There is nothing you can do to change that. Stop trying to earn my love.

It is impossible for me to love you any more than I do right now.

I will never leave you. You don't have to strive to make me pleased with you... I am already absolutely in love with you. 

You please me more than life itself. 

You give me great joy.

I delight in you.

Stop working. Just be with me. 

I don't want your work.

I want you.

I love you. 

-Daddy

 That weight was lifted from her shoulders as she realized how much her father really did love her. She ran to him. She forgot about being tired. She knew that perfect rest was in her father's arms. She melted into his arms and wept. He held her close and whispered, "I love you just because you are mine."

*She is mine


How often do I try to prepare a gift for God when all he really wants is me? I am so guilty of trying to work for his approval. I don't understand why I think that his love can be earned. I know it can't, but I still find myself working for him rather than simply loving him.
Jesus, help me rest knowing that you love me because I am yours. Help me find a balance between serving and loving. You are not my soccer coach. You will not kick me off the team if I can't "get it right." You are not my employer. You are my husband. You just want me.