Learning to Rest

On August 3rd I had a long conversation with God. I had been seeking Him all summer for some answers and on this day, as I sat in a lovely little coffee shop in Garden Valley, TX; I told God I wasn't leaving without hearing from Him.
That comment in itself was scary enough to me to drive me over the edge.
I was just back from India. I had said "good bye" to my wonderful team the day before. I was jet lagged beyond belief.
But I was determined to wait on God until He showed up.
It gets scarier when you consider what I was seeking God for. The questions I was asking and the decisions I was facing made me tremble with fear. I knew that I had to hear from God, because with out hearing from Him I would never truly know I made the right choice.

Looking back... had I known then what would happen in the weeks that followed I don't know that I would have been so eager to hear from Him. I may have been content to just stay where I was. Thank God that He knew better!

After some intense conversation with God and picking through a passage He gave me until there was nothing left to analyze, I threw myself into the answer He gave me.

Rest.

I heard Him very clearly call me to a season of rest.

What this looked like for me...

August 24th I officially stepped out of leadership.
Not because of any sin or struggle in my life.
Not because I was tired of being a leader.
Not because I wanted to do my own thing.
I stepped out because I valued my relationship with Jesus more than I did a title or a position.
I stepped out because I wanted to fling myself into the arms of my Savior.
I stepped out because I just wanted to love Jesus.

Crazy.

It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.

It didn't make sense.

But I knew.

Let me teach you how to rest.

I heard Him call me, in the most inner parts of my heart, to rest.

My Lord wanted to teach me how to rest.


In my mind, a season of rest sounded wonderfully pleasant.
Rest was laying on a fluffy, white cloud, singing songs to Jesus.
Rest was a peaceful, calm season where nothing bad happened. I love Jesus, Jesus loves me.
Rest was the next best thing to heaven itself.

HA!

In the past couple days I have looked up to the clouds that I am supposed to be floating away on and screamed, "God, what are you doing?! Where are you?! This is NOT what rest is supposed to look like!" more times than I am willing to admit.
In the past couple days I have fought God through many tears.
What do you do when circumstances make it seem like God decided you are the exception and He is not longer going to keep His word to you?

Well, what I do is throw a fit.

I throw a huge fit full of snot, tears, and angry words.

I get in my car and drive 2 hours in one direction screaming and crying the entire way.
Venting all the pain and confusion that is locked up in my heart.
Then I scream at God for not punishing me for my tantrum.

God just whispers,

"I rejoice over the honest expression of your emotions. 

I dance over you when you are fully alive." 

Once I am satisfied that I have let go of the anger, I turn around and drive the 2 hours back home.
(I am convinced I experienced more freedom because of that 2 hour drive back home than I have in any other setting in my life.)

Rest, beloved.

Rest?
How do you rest when everything you have ever known seems to have been ripped from under you? How do you rest when your heart has been broken into a million pieces. How do you rest when you are shaken to your core?

On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." 

And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was.

And other boats were with him.

And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling.

But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion.

And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" 

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" 

And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?

And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, 

"Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?"

-Mark 4:35-41

Rest.

Beloved, come and rest with me. Take my yoke.

My yoke is easy. My burden is light.

You are safe with me.

Rest.

Jesus and the disciples left the crowd. They left what they knew.

They entered one of the biggest storms of their lives, and Jesus called them to rest in the middle of it.

Jesus rested. He was so confident in God's ability to sustain that even in the most frightening, dangerous, painful situation he rested. 

Once they crossed the sea and got out the boat Jesus set one man free. 

One.

Then they got back in the boat and crossed back over.

One man.

The storm they endured...

That was so that ONE man could be freed.

ONE

Was it worth it?

That storm.

The pain.

Hurt.

Heartbreak.

Separation.

Confusion.

Is it worth it?

Abba, change my perspective. 

This storm. It's worth it. For one to be freed. 

For me to be stretched.

For your to be glorified.

It is worth it.

This is not the only story of resting in the storm. (Believe me. I tore the Bible up looking for all I could find.)

My favorite "walking on water" story is in Matthew 14:22-33

You know the story.

Jesus sends the disciple on across the sea while he goes away to pray. 

They start rowing and this huge storm comes up. 

The Bible says that Jesus SAW the storm. 

He walks across the sea to where they are. 

Disciples freak out... It's a ghost! 

Jesus says "Don't panic, It's just me." 

Matthew is the only gospel that talks about Peter walking on water with Jesus.

Peter calls out, "Lord, if it is really you, tell me to come to you." 

Jesus says, "Okay go for it. I'm right here."

Peter steps out the boat and starts to walk. 

At this point, the storm is still raging on. 

Wind blowing, rain beating down on them... 

I'm sure it was not a pleasant spring shower.

The word says that Peter sees the wind and waves and becomes fearful and begins to doubt. 

When that happened, he began to sink. 

Peter does what any sane human would do... Screams for help!

Jesus reaches out, grabs him, and asks him why he doubted.

Well, Jesus, it's not normal to walk on water...

They get back in the boat together.

The winds and rains stop immediately.

Done.

John 6:16-21 adds that as soon as Jesus got in the boat, the storm ended and they arrived at their destination. 

I could take that several different directions, but for now, I'm going to leave it there. 

The point I want to make is back when Peter began to sink.

If you have ever fallen out of a boat, or into a pool you know that something about you has changed when you get out. 

Obviously, you look different... You are soaked.

However, if your sinking was unexpected, you may have lost something you had held pretty close to that point.

A cell phone, fishing pole, sunglasses, flip flop...

Something is different.

Something is missing.

Sinking can be beneficial. 

1. You realize that you need someone to save you and you cling to them.

I'm sure Peter clung to Jesus pretty tightly until his feet were firmly in the boat again.

2. Things like doubt, fear, anger... they get left in the water. 

Abba, Drown my doubt. Drown my fear. Drown my unforgiveness. 

I don't want to come out of these waters the same.

I don't want the wind and waves to stop until I have changed.

Give me grace to rest in this storm.

Long Time Coming... From the Depths of my Heart

I decided tonight that I was going to journal through what has been going on for the past...many months. I'm not sure how long I will leave it up. I don't know if it is something that I want forever on the internet right now. But knowing that there are only 4-5 of you who will read this I think I will choose to go ahead and trust you with this part of my process. We are all really just walking through our own processes. Some of us are going to painful things right now, others are just pushing through and praying for strength cause honestly, we are just ready to quit this thing. It's taking more than we bargained for when we signed up. I know for me I have had to reevaluate what I meant when I told Jesus I was giving him my life. Didn't I know when I made that commitment I was pretty much saying "hey devil, here's the target, right on my heart... go ahead and shoot those arrows at me." Life sucks sometimes, but it is sooo Good... because HE is Good. It is worth it. Every single moment. He is worth it. 

Here is the (rather long) journal entry from tonight: 

For so long I have believed that God was the one who caused the abuse to happen to me, or rather because he didn’t stop it, He wanted it to happen to me.  I have felt less loved by God than others because He didn’t protect me from the abuse in the way that I thought He should. I have strived and worked for years to be loved by God. I have worked so hard to make Him love me.

A couple Friday nights ago we had a saturation night at the end of our youth leaders' conference. This night I began to understand so much about God and about the abuse.

Rewind to December 2011-

I was challenged by a friend to ask God where He was when I was being abused. I did. God showed me a picture of Him holding me. That’s all I saw, me in his arms on my bed in my childhood bedroom. 

That realization was great. It meant God was with me. He didn’t leave me all alone. 

Wonderful.

A couple months later, I have this question-

“God, if you were there, then why didn’t you stop it?”

At that time I saw another picture of God holding me while I was being abused, same situation…me crying, him holding me. Only this time, he was holding someone else too.

 He was holding my abusers. 

At this I became extremely angry. If God was close enough to hold both me and my abusers, then why did he not stop them? If he loved me then surely he would have protected me from the abuse. This must mean that God doesn’t love me. He was punishing me for something. He didn’t really care about me like I thought. 

Maybe he was actually holding me there so that I couldn’t get away from the abuse.

What a thought... God?

Shortly after my initial anger began to settle down I heard this-

I am faithful to my Word. I will never leave you or forsake you. I am always with you.

Ok, great. He didn’t leave me. I know that. 

But why did He let them take advantage of me, and why was He holding them? 

A loving Father would not allow that abuse to happen to His daughter.

Then I realized… 

Not only was God my father and faithful to His promises to me… He was also my abusers’ father.  He would not take away their free will, even though it infringed upon my rights. 

He held them. 

I realized in this moment that God was showing me His love for them. 

My abusers were hurt just as badly by the abuse as I was. 

They are accountable to God for what they did to me. 

I am accountable to God for what I do with the opportunity that I have been given. 

I say that I have forgiven them. And I believe fully that I have. However, I am beginning to see that just as a father on earth loves his child even when they make messes, do bad things, or make mistakes 

God loves us even when we mess up. 

He loves my abusers and wants them to know Him. He wants to heal their hearts just as much as He wants to heal mine.

Ok, so at this point, I am beginning to work through the image of a loving God holding me and holding my abusers at the same time. I am working through my anger at God for not protecting me from the abuse like I thought He should.

Back to that wonderful Friday night-

Someone came over to me and laid hands on me and began to pray for me. I can honestly say I have no clue what she prayed… I couldn’t hear her between the music and her very soft voice. Apparently it didn’t matter what she was saying because I began to hear the voice of God so loudly and clearly.

Stop blaming me.

I realized that I have been angry with God for so long. I have been blaming him for the abuse that happened to me. I realized that God didn’t point me out and say, “That girl Joy deserves to be abused.” It was the enemy. It wasn’t God’s fault.

I heard God say

I want to use it for my good like I promised, but I can’t because you won’t stop blaming me for it.

He told me that he has wanted to use this for so long but I haven’t let him because I have been busy being angry at him and holding on to it. I haven’t let it go and because I haven’t let it go, he is not able to use it for good.

Stop blaming me, I didn’t do it to you.

He is good and can do only good.

I have believed for so long that because God didn’t protect me from the abuse in the way that I thought He should that it means that I wasn’t worth protecting. 

I see how that belief has transferred to so many other areas of my life. Especially in my trying to work for love because I felt like He doesn’t love me, and that in myself I am not worthy of love from anyone. 

LIE.

I told God how bad the abuse sucked. I never had told God how horrible the abuse was. 

I’ve told Jesus, but never God. 

I know that sounds silly because Jesus and God are one in the same, but to me Jesus was the one who loved me and died for me… What did God do? God was some far off concept that I didn’t understand and was angry with. How could “Father God” love me?

I heard the Lord say in a new way that He loves me, He didn’t cause it to happen and that I didn’t deserve it. I heard Him affirm me and express his love towards me. 

I have never experienced such an overwhelming brokenness before the Lord before tonight. 

It was a total “God, here I am” moment.

I realized that God had so much mercy and grace on me through it all. It could have been so much worse. He did protect me. It could have had much worse affects on me than it has. He did protect me. It just wasn’t in the way I thought it should look.

I spent a couple weeks processing through all of that.

I have never cried like I did on that night before. 

I was wrecked. I allowed my brokenness to be exposed.

 I think that allowing myself to experience the pain of my abuse was a huge step to freedom. I have been numb to it for so long… using other things as painkillers that are equally destructive to numb the ache inside of me.

Tonight, I revisited the question of where God what when I was being abused.

Everyone knows the verse about our bodies being the temple of the Holy Spirit and how the Holy Spirit lives in us. 

That verse is usually used in reference to things that we do to ourselves…overeating, getting tattoos or piercings, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around… that kind of stuff right? 

It’s usually used to bring conviction… more like condemnation… when we are thinking about doing something to our temple.

Well, tonight I saw it in a new way. (Thanks to Jesus and the Good Women Project!)

When I was being abused, the Holy Spirit was abused.

Every inappropriate touch that I felt, He felt. 

Every painful or humiliating thing that was done to my body, was done to Him too. 

He was right there in the middle of the darkest moments of my life with me. 

He never left me. 

He didn’t look the other way. 

He felt everything just as I did. 

He knows my pain better than anyone else ever will because 

He was right there feeling it with me. 

The God of all creation felt the same pain that I did with me in my darkest moments.

This verse lost all of its condemning threats tonight. 

Every ounce of “Don’t mess up God’s property” vanished when I realized that this verse speaks so much more than what we should and should not do. 

It brings such deep healing.

It is a waterfall of healing over my dry and broken heart.

Am I fixed?

No.

Do I need to be fixed?

I don’t think so. 

God loves me right where I am. He is not afraid of my brokenness. He is not angry at my mess. 

He is with me. He is perfectly okay with me where I am. I don’t have to be perfect or “fixed” or have it all together because I am perfectly loved by the King of the universe.

If you have read this far, you are an amazingly patient friend. I cherish you. 

Feel free to leave a comment if anything I said made something "click" for you. We are all in this life together anyway, we need each other. Desperately. I'm learning it's okay to let people see my flaws. They already see most of them anyway, why not share them with others who can walk with me on this journey? 

Romans 12:9-16 talks about the kind of community that I want to be part of-

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.  Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!"

Lastly, here is a link to the article that helped me to my revelation tonight... If you or someone you know has been taken advantage of it might be good for you to read. It outlines the thoughts and lies that go through the heads of those who have been abused. I must say it is right on point.

He knows the Stars...

There is so much going on that I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to even begin to explain what is going on in my heart in this season. I started reading this fantastic book. It's called You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth. It is wrecking me. It talks about how we don't have to do more or be more to be good enough for God. We are enough. As women I think that sometimes we feel like we have to be perfect and do everything right and if we don't then God doesn't love us. We constantly compare ourselves to others and berate ourselves when we feel like we don’t measure up. I know that I have even felt like God is comparing me to other people. God is up in heaven and leans over to Jesus and says something like “Joy sure doesn’t love me as much as her friend does.” Or “Joy is not using her gifts as good as that one is.” But the Truth is that God fully delights in me. He doesn’t compare us to each other. So why should we compare ourselves to anyone else? He says we are enough.

I am learning what it means to be enough.

Recently I decided that I was going to just step out of every thing that I have be working in. I decided that I needed a break. I had been neglecting my relationship with the Lord and was tired. I wanted to just have a season of REST. I have been so busy doing that I had began to burn out... bad. 

What I have learned about rest is that it's not about not doing anything and sleeping all day. That's not the kind of rest that my heart longs for. (However, I do love sleep!) The kind of rest that I have been needing can be explained in this little acronym... (and yes, I came up with this one by myself!)

Relationship- stop striving, realize that He's got it under control. I don't have to DO anything for him to love me. Things will not spiral out of control if I take a minute to relax and respond to His love for me.

Enjoy- life with Jesus is fun, not burdensome. Pursue things that make my heart happy.

Surrender- I don't have to bear His burden.

Trust- He has never failed me. I can trust that he has it. Rest isn't scary. 

I am learning what it means to rest

God is an emotional God. He is not some emotionless being that looks at us and is numb to our emotions. He isn't afraid of our strong emotions. I am deeply emotional. He is deeply emotional. We read throughout the Bible that God has strong emotions. He is a God who laughs. But he is also a God who weeps. He gets angry. But he restores with his compassionate love. He is not turned away by our emotions. He wants us to feel. If He didn't want us to have emotions or if her expected us to hide them all the time he wouldn't have given them to us! It is okay to not be okay sometimes. 

I am so guilty of being "good" all the time. In the book that I talked about earlier there is an entire chapter on emotions. It has completely turned my view on emotions upside down. 

I am learning that emotions are good

Relationship with God isn't about what we can do. How many chapters we read in our Bible or how many girls we bring to a youth service. That's religion. Relationship is about quality, not quantity. Honestly I have spent more time with God in the 3 minutes of, "Crap God, I don't know what to do right now. I am so overwhelmed!" than I have in hours of searching the Bible for a fix-all scripture. God just wants us. He wants our hearts. 

I am learning what it means to be intimate with the Lord

An 11 mile journey took the Israelites 40 years. The majority of that time was spent waiting. In my life right now, I find myself being told to wait. I hate being told to wait. I have learned that just because God is telling me to wait it doesn't mean that He is punishing me. Waiting isn't a punishment. When I wait I have the chance to rest. When I wait, I have the chance to HEAL. Healing is something that I am experiencing a lot of right now. Healing isn't always enjoyable. Think back to a time when you were a child and you fell in the gravel and skinned your knee. You mom, being the loving mother that she is, scooped you up and sat you on the counter. She may have even kissed it to make it better. But her healing touch didn't stop there. She grabbed a bottle of peroxide and a towel, maybe some warm soapy water and she began to clean out the dirt and bits of rock. I don't know about anyone else, but when that was happening to me I was sure my mom was trying to kill me! In my mind there was NO WAY that she was making anything better! What I didn't know at the time (and refused to believe it when my mom told me) was that without that pain, healing wouldn't occur. Holley wrote this in her book and it left me in a heap of tears and snot on the floor in my room- "If I wash your feet, will I not wash your wounds?" Jesus wants to reach in and wipe out all the dirt and rocks. Jesus want to take his loving hands and wash our wounds. He is gentle with it. But we have to choose to drop our guard, remove the bandaid we have placed over the infection and let Him clean them out. We have to choose to drop our guard and let him heal, or continue to guard our hurts and allow the infection to settle in deeper. It's scary. I still flinch when I see the bottle of peroxide... but I know it's for my own good.

I am learning that waiting is not a punishment. 

I am learning that Jesus WANTS to heal my brokenness.

He is a good God. He is a real God. He knows the stars. I had a collision with God the other day during worship. I was very overwhelmed. I had a rough week. There was a lot going on. But I connected with the Lord for the first time in a while. Really connected with Him. As I stood there weeping, I heard the Lord say "I know the stars." Now that's the last thing you want to hear when you are wondering if God even cares about what is going on in your life. But in that moment the thing I didn't want to hear was the thing that I needed to hear. Those few words remind me how real He is. How good He is. God knows the stars. Trillions and trillions and trillions... He knows which ones are about to go out. He knows which ones are about to be born. He knows the names, the sizes and the locations of all of the stars. If He knows all of that... the glitter of the Universe... then wouldn't he also know the ones who he created for fellowship with Him?! He knows me. Fully. 

I am learning that He knows the stars. 

Only the Beginning

The broken glass glistens as the light touches the pile of glass on the floor. What once was a beautiful thing is now a pile of jagged pieces of glass, neatly swept together, a little hill of glass. 

I don’t know how long the pile of glass has been there, but I know that there are pieces of glass missing. There have been many failed attempts at putting the glass back together. Many pieces are lost. There are many pieces that don’t belong. There is dirt from sweeping the pile together so as to not lose any more pieces. There is blood from trying to hold on too tightly and from trying to put it back together. 

Glass, dirt, and blood.

I hear a voice say,

 “Give the pile of glass to me, I can fix it.” 

I quickly jump in front of the glass pile and begin to reason with the voice. 

“No, I can fix it myself. 

It’s not a big deal. 

It’s just a dumb pile of glass. 

Broken, beyond repair.” 

Once again, the voice gently says, 

“I love your brokenness. 

Give the broken glass to me, let me make it new.” 

I whimper,  “No. I don’t want you to have it. 

I don’t want you to see it. 

I don’t know what you will find. 

I know all too well what you will find. 

No.

I have failed so bad. 

No. 

It’s not good enough for you. 

No. 

It’s too bad, too ugly. 

There are things missing. 

There are things that shouldn’t be there. 

No.” 

The voice gently replies, 

“Give it to me, I want to see it. Let me have it.”

“No.”

“Jesus, I want to be free. 

I am tired of being in this place. 

I am sick of this area of sin in my life. 

Jesus, Forgive me. 

Set me free.”

Jesus replies, “You do not get to pick your sin. 

You cannot choose what I set you free from. 

It is all or nothing.”

“But Jesus, I am so desperate for freedom in this ONE little area!”

“I don’t work that way. 

I want it all. 

Let me have the broken glass. 

I want to see and touch every piece of brokenness. 

I want you to show me it all.”

“Jesus, that terrifies me. 

It is not pretty.”

“...........”

“Jesus…  

I will show you it all if you help me.

I know what is in that brokenness… 

I know that I cannot do this without your help. 

I am so desperate for freedom though. 

I will do whatever it takes.”

His hand picks up a shard of glass… 

“Jesus, I am so sorry for that one, I know that it is something you gave me that had great value. 

Look what I did to it! 

It’s broken. 

I am so sorry.”

The hand grips the shard of glass and drags it across the other hand, 

“My blood is enough for this.”

I grimace as Jesus looks down and picks up another shameful, jagged piece of glass. 

He slides the sharp edge along the palm of his hand and says, 

“My blood is enough for this.”

I begin to weep as he continues to do this with each piece of glass that represents things in my life.

“My blood is enough for this.”

“My blood is enough for this.”

“My blood is enough for this.”

I can’t believe what I am hearing.

He continues,

“My blood is enough for this.”

Blood drips from his hands. 

His blood covers the glass where my blood once was. All the years of clinging to the glass, of not wanting to let anyone see the mess, where I was wounded from holding on so tightly… 

His blood ran down.

“My blood is enough for this.”

“Daughter, don’t you see, my blood is enough for your brokenness. 

My blood is enough for your sin. 

My blood is enough for you.”

This is only the beginning. I don’t know where he is taking me. But I know this, His blood is enough for me. I will gladly follow him on this adventure.

Totally surrendered.

There is more to all this, but this is all that I will write for now. Jesus showed me what he did with the dirt and the pieces that didn't belong there as well. It was all equally powerful. I wept through all three visions. I cry every time I think about them. I am excited for what is to come. 

Jesus, help me to trust you more. Give me grace to love you rightly Lord. 

Jesus...

Help me to break my agreement with the lies. 

Help me to choose life.

Help me to open my heart to your love. 

I'm tired Jesus.