Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Part one

Having mono really stinks... Having it during finals week makes you feel like dying.

There are several lessons that I am learning right now, but I don't have time or energy to fully explain them all. I really just wanted to quickly get them out so that I can come back later and finish writing though them.

I've been very materialistic lately. "Needing" stuff. Yeah, they are things that I need, but not necessarily at this moment. Things for my trip, dumb things like shampoo... I need it, but could wait another week before buying it, new colored pens (I LOVE new pens, but I don't NEED new ones right now... the ones I have work just fine.) I'm usually not one to just spend money on stuff. Yeah, I am willing to pay to get a pedi every few weeks... but I don't normally just buy stuff to be buying it. I'm usually very picky about what I spend my money on. That's why it has been so weird for me to realize that I am doing this.
Here's the lesson- When I am feeling empty, I look for ways to fill that emptiness. This time it happens to be through buying stuff that I will eventually need. I think that part of it right now stems from being overwhelmed with everything that I need to do for finals. I feel like that by getting stuff I will need for my trip, I am being productive and preparing... when really, I'm just trying to make up for my lack of preparation for my trip. A huge part of the emptiness is caused by my lack of emotional connection to people and ultimately the Lord. Since I am so sick right now the most emotional connection I am getting is with my pillow and my textbooks... I have very limited social interaction. Mom and I have spent a ton of time together, it has been really, really great. But I still am not getting the emotional connection that I really long for. I haven't been spending QUALITY time with the Lord since I got really sick. When I'm awake I'm studying. I've had worship playing... but that's not quality time. We have had some really great moments where I have had divine revelations, but what I am missing is that time where I just sit and wait for him, rest with Him. It's dumb because all I can do right now is rest and study, but I haven't been resting in the right places. I've been resting in front of red box rentals with mom and dad or in bed with notecards and study guides... Not with my bible, journal, pen and Husband. I'm craving the intimacy that brings rest and healing to my soul.

I want to talk more about these next two things after finals, it will give me more time to sort through them and I won't be so tired and pressed for time then either.
One- After Jesus died on the cross, He never mentioned it again. The pain, rejection, agony, or betrayal... He never again spoke of it. Why should we be any different with difficult experiences in our life? This is an intense idea for me... I am so extremely guilty of it. Using past trauma I have experienced as an excuse for why I am where I am now. I will be thinking about what this looks like over the next few days.

Two- When I am praying, am I seeking gifts or the gift giver? What is the purpose of prayer? These questions will be on my mind over the next few days.

I have like 4 new books that I am looking forward to getting back to reading after finals is over.
Really, I'm looking forward to doing a lot of things once finals is over! :)
For now, I am going to shut this down and GO.TO.SLEEP.  

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