Just Another Prayer?

Something that the Lord has been challenging me to do lately is to really develop a discipline in prayer. I am definitely disciplined in the Word and spending time with Jesus, more now than I have ever been before in my life! However, my prayer life has honestly been my last effort to help me fall asleep before giving in a taking my sleeping pill. Granted, I've had some pretty amazing prayer times... and it doesn't always help me fall asleep. Sometimes it actually leaves me laying awake crying and journaling and pouring my heart out before the Lord for the next hour. What I want though, is to be able to really labor in prayer. I want to have deep conversations with God throughout my day. Not just moments here and there. I have gotten really good at asking God questions and getting answers, but when I don't get the answers immediately, I have just kind of moved on to something else rather than sticking to it. I don't want to be praying just another prayer of blessing or healing over a hurting friend. I don't want to just casually throw out the names of loved ones that I want to see saved and set free. I want to be disciplined to pray through these things. This morning I realized on my way to school that most of my time is spent driving in my care by myself. Worship music is playing and I am processing through stuff in my head. Those are good times, but how much more effective could those times be if I were to really pray? What kind of fruit would I be seeing in my life and in the lives of those around me if I spent that 90 minutes every Tuesday and Thursday (more if I don't go home after school) in my car praying? What about my 50-60 minutes every weekend driving too and from church? Or how about that hour on days that I work at the group home? If I spent my drive to and from work praying for the girls that I take care of to be saved and delivered and their families to be  restored... wow... what would God do in response to that?!

Jesus, Challenge accepted!

Part one

Having mono really stinks... Having it during finals week makes you feel like dying.

There are several lessons that I am learning right now, but I don't have time or energy to fully explain them all. I really just wanted to quickly get them out so that I can come back later and finish writing though them.

I've been very materialistic lately. "Needing" stuff. Yeah, they are things that I need, but not necessarily at this moment. Things for my trip, dumb things like shampoo... I need it, but could wait another week before buying it, new colored pens (I LOVE new pens, but I don't NEED new ones right now... the ones I have work just fine.) I'm usually not one to just spend money on stuff. Yeah, I am willing to pay to get a pedi every few weeks... but I don't normally just buy stuff to be buying it. I'm usually very picky about what I spend my money on. That's why it has been so weird for me to realize that I am doing this.
Here's the lesson- When I am feeling empty, I look for ways to fill that emptiness. This time it happens to be through buying stuff that I will eventually need. I think that part of it right now stems from being overwhelmed with everything that I need to do for finals. I feel like that by getting stuff I will need for my trip, I am being productive and preparing... when really, I'm just trying to make up for my lack of preparation for my trip. A huge part of the emptiness is caused by my lack of emotional connection to people and ultimately the Lord. Since I am so sick right now the most emotional connection I am getting is with my pillow and my textbooks... I have very limited social interaction. Mom and I have spent a ton of time together, it has been really, really great. But I still am not getting the emotional connection that I really long for. I haven't been spending QUALITY time with the Lord since I got really sick. When I'm awake I'm studying. I've had worship playing... but that's not quality time. We have had some really great moments where I have had divine revelations, but what I am missing is that time where I just sit and wait for him, rest with Him. It's dumb because all I can do right now is rest and study, but I haven't been resting in the right places. I've been resting in front of red box rentals with mom and dad or in bed with notecards and study guides... Not with my bible, journal, pen and Husband. I'm craving the intimacy that brings rest and healing to my soul.

I want to talk more about these next two things after finals, it will give me more time to sort through them and I won't be so tired and pressed for time then either.
One- After Jesus died on the cross, He never mentioned it again. The pain, rejection, agony, or betrayal... He never again spoke of it. Why should we be any different with difficult experiences in our life? This is an intense idea for me... I am so extremely guilty of it. Using past trauma I have experienced as an excuse for why I am where I am now. I will be thinking about what this looks like over the next few days.

Two- When I am praying, am I seeking gifts or the gift giver? What is the purpose of prayer? These questions will be on my mind over the next few days.


I have like 4 new books that I am looking forward to getting back to reading after finals is over.
Really, I'm looking forward to doing a lot of things once finals is over! :)
For now, I am going to shut this down and GO.TO.SLEEP.  

One Year Later

A year ago today I cried myself to sleep... it had been the first full day without my little brother. Yesterday made a year that he has been in treatment. I'd like to say that it gets easier everyday, but that would be a lie. I miss him more than words can describe. I have no idea when he is going to be home. It's all up to him... when he makes enough progress. I am so proud of him though. He has really matured a lot. He has changed a lot. He is working so hard! We got to talk to him tonight. When he calls and I am home, I don't ever say much. Last Friday I talked some, but I always feel dumb when I encourage him or talk to him around my parents. It's really weird. And when I was talking to him Friday, mom kept whispering things that she thought I should say... like I wasn't doing a good enough job encouraging him. I finally just gave up and let her do the rest of the talking like always. The best conversations me and Justus have had have been when he would call my cell phone because I hadn't been at home in a while. It's those calls that we really get to talk like brother and sister. I think he is more honest then too. My brother is like my best friend.  We have a really neat relationship... It's different than what I have seen in others... Maybe because we have shared things like missions... or because we are a lot alike... Or maybe it's because we both know that had I not wanted a sibling so badly, mom and dad wouldn't have looked into adoption. He really is an answer to prayer. I remember when I was really really young, after having prayed every night for as long as I can remember for a little brother or sister, I told my mom that I was just going to stop asking God for one because I didn't think that God wanted me to have one. Mom of course encouraged me to keep praying. It wasn't long after that when my mom got a phone call saying a 3 month old needed a foster home. She immediately left work to get Justus. He's been mine ever since. We adopted him when he was 2... it was official. No one could take him away from me.

I think about my brother's adoption and I remember that...

Adoption is permanent.

Adoption is a choice.

Adoption is love.

Nothing can change that.

I remember when we were waiting for Justus' parents to release custody. His mom quickly realized that we were the best option for him and could take better care of him than she did. His dad was not as quick. His dad didn't want to release custody... He wasn't taking care of Justus. He didn't want Justus. He just didn't want us to have him. I know that with the life he was living, that he wouldn't have been legally allowed to keep Justus anyways... but he did put up a fight.

I think about adoption and I remember that...

Adoption is permanent.

Adoption is a choice. 

Adoption is love.

Nothing can change that.

We are adopted into God's family. God CHOSE me. We are children by choice. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Nothing at all. I think about my brother and the enemy doesn't want to relinquish custody of Justus. He is fighting hard. He doesn't want Justus. He just doesn't want him to be free. But the enemy has no right to Justus.

Justus IS

 free. 

 walks in honor. 

walks in righteousness. 

victorious. 

I am praying Isaiah 62 over Justus. 

I can't wait to get to see him this August! I am so excited!