Chaotically clean

Today I cleaned my room... my already clean room. My room that, besides a load of laundry that needed to be hung, was already clean. Why would I spend just shy of 8 hours cleaning an already clean room you ask? Who knows. Maybe the Lord knew that I would blog about cleaning my room before I knew I was going to clean my already clean room. I lay here in bed processing what I did today and I laugh at myself. I should have taken pictures. My room went from clean and mostly organized to a hard hat zone in which the floor and the bed could not be seen. I was falling over piles and piles of things (I didn't even know that I could fit so much chaos so neatly away!!) My little puppy, Stella, was having the time of her life climbing mountains of clothes, blankets, boxes, and more. And I got intensely overwhelmed somewhere in the middle. I looked around at all the chaos that once was so neatly organized and out of sight and panicked! I had no idea where to begin in the disaster zone I had created. I had no clue how I would get everything put back neatly. (Kinda like when you are trying to pack to return home after vacation and you aren't sure how everything fit in the first time...)

I sat down on the floor somewhere in the middle of all the chaos being brought back peacefully together and looked around and laughed. "Lord, what are you saying in this?"

My life was neat and clean. Everything was in place. I was the perfect christian. I led Bible studies. I mentored youth. I was at church every time the doors were opened. I didn't drink, cuss, smoke, or sleep around. Everything in my life made sense. Everything looked really, really nice. My room was clean.

Then I moved to the woods. Then I moved to Kansas City. Then I cleaned my room.

Here I am, surrounded by chaos. My life doesn't make sense. There is wreckage everywhere. Broken pieces, mud, dirt, chaos. I don't even know where most of it is coming from- my life was so clean before. I am overwhelmed at the chaos and wish I hadn't even started cleaning, reorganizing, rearranging. I don't know what to do about all the chaos that has exploded everywhere. I cry on a daily basis. Not just a couple tears, but a sobbing on the floor, freak my roommate out and make my puppy fear the worst, cry. Today, my roommate stopped what she was doing and brought her sobbing, snotting, heap on the hardwood floor housemate tissues and English tea. (Hot tea makes everything better.) I am a wreck. I had no idea all this chaos was inside, it was so neatly stacked away. Now it is every where. Being pushed around and tripped over. I've exploded.

But here I lay, almost exactly 12 hours after it all began, and my room is back in order. Did I get rid of anything? A walmart bag full of paper trash (including all the tissues I went through during my breakdown tonight). I didn't throw out old clothes. I didn't discard bad things. Everything that I have is good. I don't have junk in my heart to get rid of. I just rearranged everything. I have more space than I did before. My room makes more sense than it did. Yeah, I'll have to remember that my underwear are in the cabinet on the other side of the room, but it makes more sense. I even hung up some more pictures on my walls.

The Father has me in this season. It hurts like hell at times. Other times I have never had more fun in my life. I am making friends that I actually have fun with. I laughed through coffee with a friend this morning. Did we go deep and talk about real stuff? Oh yes. Wowzers yes. But we laughed the entire time. We had fun. Yes, I cry daily. But I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. The Lord is unraveling me. That's hard. But I have never felt more safe, loved, and beautiful. I am in good hands with Him.

You see, before I wasn't filthy. Jesus took care of that on the cross and I look like Him. But there were some things that were/are just in the wrong place. Right now, it feels like the chaos and unraveling will never end, but I know who is doing the work. I can rest secure in His loving, gentle hands. He knows what He is doing.


One last side note: I found a ring that I have been missing since September. The nail ring was lost, now it is found! Praise Him!!!

Wet kisses

I have many favorite bible passages, but my favorite parable in the entire New Testament is one that we are all familiar with. Pretty much anyone who has spent any time around Christians or the church has at least heard this one twice. It's that familiar. I'm going paraphrase it, I'm sure you will know the one I'm talking about within the first sentence. 

(If not, check out Luke 15) 

There was this really rich guy who had two sons. His younger son approached him one day and said, "Pops, I know you aren't dead yet, but let's pretend you are dead to me and go ahead and give me all my inheritance. I want all my half of what you got." The father, being a good father, obliged and let the teenager have his inheritance early to do with it as he pleased. The boy ran off and spent all the money on alcohol, drugs, sex, and the like. Basically he spent the money on filthy things that his dad probably would never have approved of. Finally, the boy found himself working for another man, doing the nasty work- feeding the pigs and cleaning up after them. He had spent all his money and had no food. He was so hungry that even the slop he fed the pigs looked delicious. The boy finally wises up and realizes that even his dad's hired slaves have it better than he does now. He decides to return home and beg his dad to take him in as a slave. 

The father sees the boy from way down the road, the bible says a long way off, and the father begins to run towards his son. He is sprinting, whooping and hollering from deep wells of joy and pleasure- His son has come home! 

Before the boy can even get a word out of his mouth, the father plants a big, sloppy kiss on his filthy, pig-crap covered cheek, throws a robe and ring (of authority) on him and hollers for someone to kill the prized calf for the biggest block celebration party in history. 

The boy's older brother got pretty ticked off at the father because he was faithful and loyal and did everything right but never got this kind of celebration before. The father reaffirms his love for him and tells him that he's great and has access to all his brother is getting and more simply because he's a son. 

And the party goes on. 

This story is referenced in nearly every altar call in the church. Everyone has been one of the brothers, well, really both of them, at one point or another in their life. It's a sweet story where the boy is forgiven, but I think we sometimes miss the big picture. 

The parable is known as the prodigal son. If you ask someone about it, they will tell you "oh, it's about this kid who wasted everything and then got back on track and his dad threw a party". 

But if I can change the title of this parable, if I can help you see that this parable isn't at all what we have come to accept it to be, please give me that honor. 

This story isn't about the son. 

It's not about the filthy son.

 It's not about the faithful son. 

It's not about throwing really rad parties. 

This story is about the Father. He is the point if the story. 

The story is about the Father's goodness, not about the sons' filth or faithfulness. 

Thank God! Thank God that our Father in heaven is that good Father! Thank God that when we were filthy in sin he ran down the road to plant a big, wet redeeming kiss on our cheek. Thank God that when we pout and complain that it's not fair that we have been so good while others have been so bad he lifts up our chin, and sings songs of delight and extravagant love over us and speaks to our identity as sons and daughters. 

Thank God that he is good-er than we ever imagined!!! 

The son thought he would beg to be a slave, but the Father surprised him big. The Father gave him the authority of his name. The son didn't have to earn the Father's trust back. He didn't have to prove himself. He didn't have to beg and plead. The Father was watching and waiting for the day that the son would carry his name, his identity, and walk in the authority that is his, simply because he is a son. 

So today, where ever we are, whoever we feel we identify most with, forget it. Forget who you feel most like.

Quiet your heart and mind. 

Listen. 

Hear that? 

That sound is the pounding of the Father's feet coming down the dirt road to plant a big kiss on your cheek. 

That's the rhythm of Him singing his pleasure over you. 

He is more good than you ever wished you could imagine. 

Step into your identity as a beloved son or daughter of a really, really, good, glad, kind, loving, dad. You dad is in a really good mood. 

The Real Gospel

I have been thinking the past few days about my life and the message of the cross in my life. I grew up knowing that Jesus loved me and died for my sin so that I could go to heaven. I was taught that day in and day out throughout my childhood.  I know that's true. Even if you don't believe it because the Bible says so, you can look through history and you can see that it is factual. A man named Jesus was crucified as "The King of the Jews". History meets Bible story.
But I think that somewhere the Church has gotten this Bible story wrong. I think they have missed the point. In my experience, the missing of the point created the opposite of what they were striving to do. I'll explain what I mean.

What is the typical Sunday morning gospel or cross message?
1. God is perfect.
2. You are a sinner.
3. God hates your sin and can't be around you because you are filthy.
4. You deserve to go to hell.
5. Jesus died on the cross so that you don't have to go to hell (a frustrated effort to fix your sin problem).
6. Now you can be forgiven and go to heaven because Jesus rose again.

It's been my experience that the Gospel presentation has emphasized my depravity and sin more than God's love.
What this has done is created a sin-consciousness in the lives of Christians.
Christians are all too aware of sin in the lives of other Christians, non-believers, and themselves. This creates really ugly condemnation and judgement. Both are the opposite of what God wants for humanity.
Romans 8 says there is no condemnation
John 3 says God didn't send Jesus to condemn the world, but to save the world because of His great love.

Sidenote: The law condemns (Romans 7), Jesus redeems.

 Romans 7:4 says we have died to the law 

so that we can belong to Jesus in love. 

So many well meaning believers beat themselves and others up with the law that is now powerless because of Christ's death and resurrection. Romans 6:6-11reminds us that we died with Christ- our sinful nature is no more. We are alive with Christ. Free from sin. 2 Corinthians 5:17 calls us a new creation.

Paul shared a really beautiful, truth in Romans- to sum it up, basically it's we do what we don't want to do when we focus on what we don't want to do. 

Example:

When I was younger 10-12ish, I hated saying the number "six" because I was always afraid that I would accidentally say the word "sex" (and that was a super dirty word! :-p ) It never failed though, every time I tried to not say "sex" and make sure I said "six" it always ended up sounding more like "sex" than "six". I did what I did not want to do because I was focusing on not doing rather than doing. 

Another example:

When people are studying to learn how to identify counterfeit money, they study the real thing. They do not study the counterfeit or what to look for in a counterfeit bill. They gaze upon the real thing. The learn the real bill. 

So many believers have gotten so focused on identifying lies they have forgotten to study the truth. 

Yes, Jesus died for my sin. 

But the reason He died was for love. The cross wasn't a frustrated attempt to fix mankind. It was the goal all along. Jesus was crucified before the foundations of the earth. It was His joy to die for us because He loves us so deeply! 

I haven't heard a sin focused gospel message in a good 4 to 5 months. I am not struggling with wanting to sin either. I don't desire sin because I have locked eyes with Love. I'm not saying I am perfect. Somedays, I really struggle with selfishness, which is sin. But I don't desire sin on a regular basis. I can't remember the last time that I had to make myself not sin and force myself to avoid temptation. I don't want the lesser loves when I know Love. 

Friends, don't focus on not doing, not sinning. Focus on the Man Jesus who loves you. Don't focus on the sin He died for. Focus on the look of love in His eyes. 

Behold the man name Love. 

Values: Kingdom Family

I grew up with the knowledge the the church/Christians were brothers and sisters- that we were some sort of family because God was our Father in heaven, but I didn't really understand the fullness of that. I didn't understand what it really meant to be in a family and have God as Father. I still don't know if I fully understand it. But this one thing I am sure of- I will pursue the fullness of life found in Kingdom Family for as long as I live. I want to be known as one who lived and died for Kingdom Family. I want to be remembered as one who loved and was loved because of my understanding of what family is.

I am on a journey to Kingdom Family.

The first key to living in Kingdom Family is understanding who the Father is and what his plan for family is.
I'm sitting here processing through some things thoughts I have on the Father and His family and the first thing that comes to mind is this- If God wanted to call the Church something other than a family he would have called Himself something other than a Father. Every single one of us have a little child inside of us that is crying out, "I just want someone to see me and love me!" This cry is what sends us looking for lesser loves if we don't comprehend the love of Father.
When we know who He is and what He says about us we can confidently find our place in the Family.
The reason that Jesus died on the cross was to make a way for all of mankind to have a place in the family. It pleased the Family of God- Father, Son, and Holy Spirit- for Jesus to die on the cross so that I could be adopted into the Family. The cross wasn't a frustrated reaction to the state of mankind, it was the dream of the Father's heart to create family on earth.
Now that I am in the family, what does that look like? What does it mean for me personally to value Kingdom Family?

It is my desire to see the reality of the love that the Father has for the Son and the Son has for the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit for the Father spill over into my life daily in the way that I interact and love others.

Family loves deep.
It reads like romance but lives like sacrifice.
Family celebrates each other.
Family serves each other.
Family honors.
Family forgives.
Family shows grace.
Family welcomes others in.
Family is contagious.

I value family. 

thoughts

The last week and a half or so have been unique. Last week there was a team from Houston here doing ministry on UMKC's campus. It was absolutely wonderful having them here. Sunday through Thursday nights we had worship nights at the Boiler Room which were nothing short of miraculous.
The Father is doing a lot in my heart the past week. I know that I haven't blogged daily, like was my intention, but I am still processing through things daily with the Holy Spirit, which was the point of all this anyway. Some of what the Father has been taking me through has be intensely personal, and not something that I want to post online. However, I can and will share some of what I have been thinking about a lot. I also will get back to the values that I mentioned before. To do all of this will likely require more than one post which I may post all in one day (today) or possibly save them as a draft and post them over the next couple days. (Or who knows.... I might back date them all!) The amount I write today will also depend on the battery of my laptop. I am sitting sipping delicious coffee in a coffee shop in Westport and left my charger in my car, which is parked down the road. Hang with me, I will fulfill my promises!

The Beauty of the Man

Jesus. Christ. Emmanuel. Son of God. Lily of the Valley. Savior. Redeemer. The Risen One. Bright and Morning Son. Advocate. Cornerstone. Great High Priest. Mediator. Rose of Sharon. Shiloh. Jesus.

The Man. Fully man, and fully God. Holy. Pure. Just. Righteous. 

He healed the sick, raised the dead. Stunned the religious while satisfying the sinner. 

His goal was dying on the cross. His desire was to receive the punishment of all of mankind. His joy was me. I am the joy that was set before him. He boldly and unashamedly declared that I am worth it. I am the joy that was set before Him. I am the desire of His heart. 

It was me. 

(okay, it was you too...)

Woah. 

He took my punishment. He took it all.

For me to believe that I deserve punishment or that I am not good enough is to say that I want to pay for something that has already been paid for. 

My parents bought me a car several years ago. They gifted it to me. It's my car. Paid for. It's mine. What if I decided that the price my parents paid for it didn't work, or wasn't enough, or that since it's my car, I should be the one to pay for it... so I paid for it all over again, or refused to drive it until I had paid the car dealership the total price of the car again? That would be absolutely silly. And it would break my parents' hearts that I paid the price of the car that they already paid for. 

(It would make the seller pretty jubilant though)

That's what we do when we wallow in guilt and try to punish ourselves... or worse, don't receive the forgiveness that is rightfully ours. 

It makes the enemy ecstatic when we let him punish us or punish ourselves. 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to make the devil happy. 

Super short Lent post

Again, I'm super tired and just drained through and through.

In the next few days, I am going to begin to process through some values that I have in my life. The first one that I will discuss is Kingdom family. Hopefully, tomorrow I will have more emotional energy to process through it. I am headed to bed for the night. Praying for sweet dreams and restful sleep. 

Lent post-y

This will be a shorter post than the past ones have been. Super tired.
Yesterday I took a sabbath from posting. Sunday was wonderful. All day long I had the song "What if His People Pray" by Casting Crowns stuck in my heart all day. I thought about the lyrics and the message the song presents and was challenged greatly to really pray. The Father moves when we pray.
Today I went to UMKC with a team from Houston to do some relationship building and ministry. It was lovely. I feel like I'm on the edge of some really great breakthrough in my life. Can't wait!