Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Chaotically clean

Today I cleaned my room... my already clean room. My room that, besides a load of laundry that needed to be hung, was already clean. Why would I spend just shy of 8 hours cleaning an already clean room you ask? Who knows. Maybe the Lord knew that I would blog about cleaning my room before I knew I was going to clean my already clean room. I lay here in bed processing what I did today and I laugh at myself. I should have taken pictures. My room went from clean and mostly organized to a hard hat zone in which the floor and the bed could not be seen. I was falling over piles and piles of things (I didn't even know that I could fit so much chaos so neatly away!!) My little puppy, Stella, was having the time of her life climbing mountains of clothes, blankets, boxes, and more. And I got intensely overwhelmed somewhere in the middle. I looked around at all the chaos that once was so neatly organized and out of sight and panicked! I had no idea where to begin in the disaster zone I had created. I had no clue how I would get everything put back neatly. (Kinda like when you are trying to pack to return home after vacation and you aren't sure how everything fit in the first time...)

I sat down on the floor somewhere in the middle of all the chaos being brought back peacefully together and looked around and laughed. "Lord, what are you saying in this?"

My life was neat and clean. Everything was in place. I was the perfect christian. I led Bible studies. I mentored youth. I was at church every time the doors were opened. I didn't drink, cuss, smoke, or sleep around. Everything in my life made sense. Everything looked really, really nice. My room was clean.

Then I moved to the woods. Then I moved to Kansas City. Then I cleaned my room.

Here I am, surrounded by chaos. My life doesn't make sense. There is wreckage everywhere. Broken pieces, mud, dirt, chaos. I don't even know where most of it is coming from- my life was so clean before. I am overwhelmed at the chaos and wish I hadn't even started cleaning, reorganizing, rearranging. I don't know what to do about all the chaos that has exploded everywhere. I cry on a daily basis. Not just a couple tears, but a sobbing on the floor, freak my roommate out and make my puppy fear the worst, cry. Today, my roommate stopped what she was doing and brought her sobbing, snotting, heap on the hardwood floor housemate tissues and English tea. (Hot tea makes everything better.) I am a wreck. I had no idea all this chaos was inside, it was so neatly stacked away. Now it is every where. Being pushed around and tripped over. I've exploded.

But here I lay, almost exactly 12 hours after it all began, and my room is back in order. Did I get rid of anything? A walmart bag full of paper trash (including all the tissues I went through during my breakdown tonight). I didn't throw out old clothes. I didn't discard bad things. Everything that I have is good. I don't have junk in my heart to get rid of. I just rearranged everything. I have more space than I did before. My room makes more sense than it did. Yeah, I'll have to remember that my underwear are in the cabinet on the other side of the room, but it makes more sense. I even hung up some more pictures on my walls.

The Father has me in this season. It hurts like hell at times. Other times I have never had more fun in my life. I am making friends that I actually have fun with. I laughed through coffee with a friend this morning. Did we go deep and talk about real stuff? Oh yes. Wowzers yes. But we laughed the entire time. We had fun. Yes, I cry daily. But I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. The Lord is unraveling me. That's hard. But I have never felt more safe, loved, and beautiful. I am in good hands with Him.

You see, before I wasn't filthy. Jesus took care of that on the cross and I look like Him. But there were some things that were/are just in the wrong place. Right now, it feels like the chaos and unraveling will never end, but I know who is doing the work. I can rest secure in His loving, gentle hands. He knows what He is doing.

One last side note: I found a ring that I have been missing since September. The nail ring was lost, now it is found! Praise Him!!!

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