The Journey

This time last year I heard the Father say I am leading you to a place where your trust will be without borders. Did you know that God never lies? Don't believe me? Ask and I will give you specific examples. This year I have learned more about trust than at any other point in my life. This year has been one of the most difficult, but beautiful years of my life. I have trusted Father with wild abandon, even when it didn't make sense. I have trusted. And because of trusting, I have received a great reward.

In January, I set off on the greatest adventure thus far in my life... I moved to Kansas City, Missouri. I followed a dream that I have had on the back burner of my heart for many years. I moved in with two complete strangers who quickly became sisters.
February I went to the hospital because the depression that I have battled my entire life almost became too much. Pain and shame filled my soul, but lingering close was a hope that is greater than my desperation. I continued to trust God in the middle of my brokenness and was overwhelmed with love beyond belief.
March brought clarity as the snow began to melt. March also taught me how beautiful winter is.
April took me to the job of all jobs. I began working in the safe house with Exodus Cry. I got to do life with women who have been rescued from sex trafficking. I was amazed as the Lord proved himself faithful to me time and time again and my heart began to come alive. Spring. My heart began to mirror the budding going on around me.
May led me to Jesus. I began to taste of His goodness in the land of the living. It was not without pain of its own.
June taught me about suffering. June taught me to embrace Jesus in the middle of painful suffering. Almost homeless, I learned that Jesus will not fail me. I surrendered and trusted and yielded over and over and over. Many nights sleepless and tearful. I clung to my Living Hope. He did not fail me.
July I fell in love with the Father all over again. He again, proved himself good and faithful in the middle of pain.
In August, I allowed my dreams to begin to come back to life. I began to write again. Vulnerability encountered wild abandon. I chose to trust Him with my story.
September, things began to die. The leaves began to turn. So did my heart. I clung. I clung still. Pain and sadness surrounding, but joy permeating every place.
October I turned 24. I had a beautiful birthday month. The Father surprised me with love and goodness on all sides. October also brought a really deep, darkness. I am not ready to share what this darkness is. I am still processing the hurt and anger.
As a result of October's darkness, in November I had a lot of learning to do on the goodness of God. I knew He was good. I declared His goodness. But I had to allow that belief to permeate my being. I had to let go once again and trust. No matter where that trust leads.
December. Oh December. You were good to me. One of the most challenging years of my life ended. The first year of the greatest adventure I have ever been on came to a close.

2014. You were hard. You hurt. But you taught me to trust. I do not have it mastered, though I am closer today than I was in January. I am glad you are over though.

2015. I welcome you. I welcome restoration. I welcome your resting in the assurance that God will fulfill every promise. I welcome the hope and life you will bring to my heart. Already you have been wonder-filled. Already, you have amazed me. Twenty fifteen, I face you with courage, knowing that you won't be easy, but I can rest. God will fulfill every promise, I can rest.

Winter's Rest

Gentle Winter
You whisper sweetly in my ear
Your wind refreshes my soul and brings healing to my heart
Winter, you bring me such peace

Fall is gone
Summer is just a memory
Winter has come to rest

Back home, winter means rain
Soggy, yucky, wet days
Being wet and cold is so different than just being cold
I never loved winter at home

I have seen the beauty in winter
I have felt the peace that winter brings
I have experienced winter's rest

Winter, have your way in me
Sing me your song
Teach me your dance
Bring me into your rest

The Hope that Winter Brings

The last leaves have fallen to the ground

Dry and brown, they crunch beneath children's feet

Tree branches look like fingers stretching, pointing to the sky

It's clear the direction the wind blew all summer, the branches are all twisted that way

Really, it kind of excites my heart to see

The sky is grey, the ground cold

Summer is over

Flocks of geese fly in perfect v's

Winter is here

Oh, the joy

Oh, the peace

Oh, the stillness that winter brings

The holidays are busy

Hurried people

Grumpy cashiers

Giggling children

Traffic

Oh, the traffic

Winter is here

Winter

Oh, the joy

Oh, the peace

Oh, the stillness that winter brings

Winter reveals what other seasons hide

The fluff is gone

All is still

All is sleeping

What remains

Steady

Stable

Secure

Structure

What is seen

Strength

Dignity

Truth

The tree weathers the blizzard

The branches bare, bear the weight of the snow

The quiet moments

The stillness

Winter

Stillness

Hearts can hear the flicker of the fire burning

Flames dance in each heart

Peace fills each soul

Quiet

Listen

Oh, the joy

Oh, the peace

Oh, the stillness that winter brings

The trees may sleep

but the fire, oh, the fire

This is the hope that winter brings

The Winter in the Oak

Strong Oak,
Your roots reach deep
Your bark is weathered from the seasons
Your leaves have fallen to the ground and you feel so bare
You fear the cold. You fear the judgmental glances towards your naked branches.
Every flaw in your bark is exposed for the world to see.

As the cold wind rushes through your branches, you shudder and covet the pine, the evergreen, who keeps his green throughout the year.

If only I were more like him. I would be welcomed into homes on the coldest of winter nights.
Children would adorn my branches with all that glitters and families would sing round my whole.
I would want for nothing.
I would be beautiful.

But you Oak, you are strong and wide.
You have seen many seasons. You have weathered many storms.
The wind has blown. The freeze has come and gone and come again.
And still, here you stand.

Lovers have carved their initials in your bark
Boys have climbed your branches
Little girls have squealed with delight as they swing back and forth
Families sit on a quilt in the shade that your branches yield

You don't realize your strength or your beauty. You don't see your majesty and grace.
Your roots reach deep, your branches stretch tall and wide. Your bark tells the story of the battles you have fought.  Your rings sing the song of the victories have won.

You, great oak, are strong.

Though your branches are bare, there is a beauty that winter brings.
Embrace this season as you did the last.

You are strong.

Trust Without Borders

At the beginning of this year, I heard Papa tell me that he was taking me to a place where my trust would be without borders. There have been many times in this season where I have sat back and said, "Yeesh! God, you weren't kidding!" I have lost count of the number of times that I have looked to my Father and said, "I trust you, that's all I can do here".

Here I sit again.

Abba, I trust you. 

I don't know what you are doing, but I trust you.

Trust

A belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

An assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

One in which confidence is placed

Dependence on something future or contingent: Hope

A charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship

Something committed or entrusted to one to be used r cared for in the interest of another

Care, custody

A hope is more than resolve, and it is based on trust in a divine faithfulness that operates not only within history, but also beyond history.-John Polkinghorne

I told Abba that I trusted wholly and completely. Tonight I sit here and that "Yes" to Him echoes. It rings loudly and clearly in my heart. I declare it loud and proud once again. YES.

I do not doubt the goodness of my Father.

Not too long ago I did. I knew He was good, but my heart was overwhelmed and I grew afraid and doubted, as Peter did when he saw the waves. I feared and panicked as the disciples did when their little boat was taking on water and the Master was sleeping peacefully.

But I have seen time and time again the faithfulness of God. I have looked upon the the faithfulness of a really good dad. So while I do not know what He is doing or how He is going to provide in this situation, I know that he will provide. I know that He can be trusted.

I do not regret a single step I have taken with my Father.
I do not regret a single time that I have trusted.
That I have relied.
That I have depended.
That I have said "yes".

He has never once let me down.

He has never once failed to come through.

He has never left me unsatisfied.

Empty.

Lacking.

Wanting.

Alone.

He always comes through.

He always amazes.

He always is faithful.

He never gets tired of providing.

He never gets bored with me.

He never refuses to come through.

He never breaks a promise.

I will say "yes" every day for the rest of my life.
No matter the circumstances.
No matter the sacrifice.
No matter what fear hangs over me.
No matter what popular opinion screams.
No matter what peers think.
No matter what family says.

I will say "yes" to my King because He cannot fail.
He is the only one who truly has my best interest in heart.
I have nothing to offer Him.
He does not benefit from anything that I do.
He has no selfish ambition.
He truly, completely wants my good.
My good brings Him glory.
Me thriving glorifies Him and points to His goodness and faithfulness.

My trust has no borders. There is nothing limiting it or enclosing it in. I trust Him in all areas.

Financially.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Relationally.

I am a zero resistance zone to His work in my life.

How can I trust Him in this way?

How can you trust Him in this way?

The Holy Spirit lives inside of me.
The Holy Spirit never doubts the goodness and faithfulness of God.
The Spirit inside of me trusts wholly.
I trust wholly.

I have seen His goodness in the land of the living (time and time again).
He doesn't change. Yesterday, today, and forever- He is the same.

Since He came through last time, He will come through again.
Since He was faithful last month when I needed a roommate, He will be faithful this month.
Since He provided when I needed a job in April, He will provide again.
Since He answered when I has no where else to turn, He will answer again.

My God does not change.

My God does not fail.

My God does not disappoint.

My God rests in the middle of storms.

I will join Him on that pillow below deck. I can hear the wind and the waves pummeling my ship; so I think it's time for a nap. 

The only storms you have authority over are the ones that you can rest in. 

Letter Series: A letter to the one who was hurt by the Church

Precious you,

Yes, I am writing to you. This is for you. 

I am so sorry. Your hurt is valid. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I  told you that you are dirty. I told you that you didn’t belong. I told you that you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, or spiritual enough. I shut down your questions because they assaulted my ego. I shattered your dreams because they made you look better than me. I expected more from you than I could muster from my own maturity. I called you names. I laughed at your hurts. I told you to get over real wounds without offering any assistance. You came to me seeking love and acceptance, and I pushed you away. I rejected you. Thus, I proved to you what you feared all along-that God rejects you. I taught you that you couldn’t do enough to please God. I repeatedly showed you that you weren’t welcome in God’s group. I manipulated you into doing things that you didn’t want to do. I withheld attention when you didn’t do as I wished. I compared you to others. I used fear as a motivator to cause you to do or stop doing things that didn’t please me. I rebuked you when it wasn’t my place to rebuke. I corrected you when you didn’t need correction. I demanded respect when I didn’t earn it. And I required trust, though I let you down time and time again. I controlled you and abused you. I didn’t have to say anything, you knew from the look in my eye that I was disappointed. I required you to prove yourself to me without me ever doing anything to show I cared for you in the least bit.

I am so intensely, deeply, incredibly sorry.
I was so wrong.
You deserve to be angry.
You should run away from all that I showed you.
Run far away from my teachings.
You shouldn’t serve a god who is like that.
I am so sorry.
Please forgive me.

I know that it’s hard.

I know you don’t want to forgive me. 

I surely don’t deserve your forgiveness.

But if you could find it within your heart to forgive me and hear me out one last time, it would mean so much to me. 

You are perfect just the way you are. God is not and never has been angry or disappointed in you. You are good enough. You are beautiful and feminine. You are strong, handsome, and masculine. You are not dirty. You belong. Your dreams are wonderful! Dream them! Live them. Follow your heart; it’s not going to lie to you. Your emotions are wonderful and were created by a really good, glad Father. Your hurts are valid. Your struggles are nothing to be ashamed of. You are so loved. You are worth extravagant love. You are good enough. The Father delights in you. He accepts you. You are not rejected. I know you have been assaulted with abuse and lies from the church, from me, but please don’t hold on to them. We were wrong. I was wrong. The god I preached to you doesn’t exist. The father that I created in your mind deserves death, not love. That is not Christianity. That is not your Father. Your Father is good. Your Father is loving. Your Father is so gentle and kind. What I taught you is none of that. Please, don’t run from a Father who loves you wildly because of me. The god I taught you is not God at all. Please, give the real, true, God of Love a chance.

I know Him now. 

He is better than your wildest imaginations.

Never an afterthought

Something that has been wrecking me lately is the reality of being on the front of the Father’s mind. I have never been an afterthought. I have never been on the back burner. I was never a “screw-it-I’ll-give-her-a-chance” to Father. He has never once forgotten about me. He has never once wanted to exchange me for something better.

From the dawn of creation, He has had absolutely everything that you could imagine. He created everything that you could imagine to bring pleasure to anyone anywhere. He created the sun, moon, and stars. He knows the depth of the seas and the height of the skies. He dances on the clouds, and frolics through fields of wildflowers. He looks out over valleys from the heights of mountain peaks. He lays beside trickling springs and rumbling oceans. He has it all.

Yet,

He. Adopted. Me. 

I am His prized possession. I am the one whom he directs all His affection upon.

The way He purchased me gives proof to my value to Him. I wasn’t a flippant purchase.

He thought long and hard. Charts and graphs, pros and cons. He sorted through it all. He knew me fully. He examined my heart. He examined my nature. He knew my tendency to wander. He knew my weaknesses. And still he said, “I want her”. His choosing of me echoes. His delight over me ripples. He sings over me in my sleep; He dances over me in my wake.

He lavishes extravagant love on me. Forever. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him to return me to my former state. There’s nothing that I can do to convince Him that I am not worthy. He has never once regretted purchasing me with the precious blood of Jesus. I have never depreciated in value. I have never been a burden to Him. He is wildly obsessed with me.

I. 

Delight. 

My. 

Maker. 

And so do you.