I hate the wait

There is nothing I dislike more than waiting.
...waiting in lines at walmart...waiting in traffic...waiting on someone who is running late...waiting on the phone call to tell me if I got the job or not...
Waiting stinks!
The worst part about waiting is that many times you don't know when the wait is going to be over.

That's where I am right now in life. Waiting. And I don't know when the light is going to turn green.
I feel like every area of my life is just ...waiting.
I like knowing what is going on, but right now I think the Lord is just bringing me to a new place of trust in him. I have to trust that He has it all under control. He is not going to allow me to miss the deadline. Even though I don't have any idea what that deadline is right now.

There is so much that I want to do. I just want to busy myself. I know that busy-ness is not the answer for me. I know that this time of waiting is so important. It is stretching me. It is teaching me to rely on the Lord.  But it is SO HARD.

Jesus, help me to embrace this season. Help me to just be still and know that you are God. Help me to wait.

In 19 minutes...

I only have 19 minutes left on my laptop, and I don't want to go get my charger out of my book sack. However, I do want to process though my day. :)
I oversee the world's greatest interns at my clubs. They are Excellent in every way! They are always on time (even when I'm not! Oops!). They always are prepared to share with their kids. They are willing to do whatever it takes to see the schools reached. They are great!

One thing that the Lord has convicted me on recently is that I have been clinging on to my three schools. I want so desperately for the students there to encounter the Lord and be changed by Him that I have gotten in the way. The Lord told me pretty directly the other night that in order for Him to move, I had to take a step back. I am so prone to try to hold on to and control the things that I care for the most. This is human nature. To hold and protect what we love. However, in my desire to protect the schools, I have completely "protected" them from the Lord. And we all know that that equals damage, not protection. This week I have had to take a few leaps back and just let go. I had to say "God, You have totally say over what goes on at these three schools. You love the students there even more that I do. You desire for them to encounter you more than I could ever imagine. You know how to get them to that place too. I don't have to keep going with trial and error when I let you have the seat of control. You are good and you have their best interest at heart."

I was filled with a deep thankfulness for the interns who are serving at these schools today. They are so rad! We could not have the impact that we do with out them. Thank you Lord for people who serve you willingly. They are living out "Your kingdom come. Your will be done"
That's what this is all about. Having HIS will be done in our life to further HIS kingdom.

All of this is for His glory. Every single thing that we do is for His glory. It's not about me.
I love John Tillman music.  The song Humble Me is really the cry of my heart right now.
When I was in middle school, he was the worship leader at the church I went to. He has an incredible gift to bring people into the presence of God. I could listen to him play all day long! :)

Lately, I have been seeing a lot about myself. Good and not-so-good. I have been learning a ton about what it really means to be a leader, and how to more effectively lead. As I am getting ready for my trip to India this summer, I think the Lord is really beginning to weed a lot out of my heart.
Wrong motives.
Leading out of insecurity.
Leading out of my flesh.
It's been pretty intense, but sooo good!

Tonight I got to chat with one of the girls going to India with me this summer. She is so cute. The love that she has for the Lord blows me away. She truly wants to please him with everything she does. She is super talented... Piano, dance... Reminds me a lot of myself at her age! :) She keeps a blog as well. I have been challenged by some of the stuff she has shared there even. She's pretty legit! I look forward to getting to serve along side of her in India this summer!

Tomorrow, I go get fingerprinted for a position that I would love to have if it's God's will. :) Then I am going to meet my parents in Alabama. :) Fun road trip for a day!

Well, I am exhausted and need to be up in a couple hours... and my laptop is just about dead! :) Perfect timing.

Dreaming of India

I have been dreaming about India lately. I'm working on raising money for my trip this summer. It has been so cool to see how God totally is making this happen. From the very beginning when He said for me to go to India, to the selection process to be a Team Leader, to now... watching Him provide the money needed for my trip. He has always been faithful. 

In my readings today I was reading John 1. (Read it for yourself here.) 

You know how there are some passages or scriptures that are just over quoted? Well, John 1:1 is that for me. But today it really came alive for me. 

verses 4-5 made me think about India...

India is a beautiful nation, consumed with poverty, hopelessness, and false gods. Everyday, millions of people in India wake up and worship over 330 million gods who do not love them and cannot hear or help them. However, I serve the One True God who is pictured in John chapter 1. He is the God who gave life to everything and His life brought light to everyone. India is a nation filled with deep darkness, but I believe that the light is going to begin to shine in that darkness and nothing will every be able to extinguish it. 

I am overwhelmed each time I think about how God became man. Fully man. He is the lamb of God. The one who paid the price to take away the sin of the world. He paid the price so that we can be his children. Salvation is free for us, but it cost Jesus everything. 

Here is the verse that I am holding on to today- Psalm 2:8 "Only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance, the whole earth as your possession." 

I'm not only asking for India, yes, I expect great things to happen there this summer, but I am asking even more for Denham Springs. I want to see the walls fall down at Denham High. I want to see the high school students realize how much they need a savior. I want them to encounter the cross in a way like never before. So God, I am asking for Denham Springs. :)

Creator of Creativity

I love to be creative. One thing that I love to do is paint. I stopped for a while and I don't know why. Today, I got to paint with a friend. At first, I was really nervous because she is really good, but I decided to put that aside and just be free. And, to take it a step farther, I painted something that I have NEVER painted before. It really brought me to a place of deep breakthrough though. I wanted to paint a picture that expressed a verse that I have been clinging to lately. "My Grace is sufficient for you. My Strength is made perfect in your weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9 My friend helped to to get a picture of that in my mind, and as I began to paint it, that truth worked it's way into my heart. 
His grace is all that I need. There is no other thing. It is a simple path to Holiness. A simple path to Jesus. His Grace.
Nothing else.
I don't have to strive or work or do a special dance to be good enough or holy enough for Him. I just have to rely on His Grace. His Grace empowers. His Grace releases. His Grace frees. I was freed by Grace today. I know that it is a process of learning to totally depend on His Grace, but I know that today is the day I learned what that means. I am secure in His grace. 
The more I painted, the more that truth sunk deep within me. 


Painting is so therapeutic. It helps to calm your mind. There are no rules in art. It's freeing to be as expressive as you want. The canvas doesn't judge. :-) 


After finishing the first painting, and the second and third both drying to prepare for the next step with them I began to ask some pretty big things from the Lord. I have been praying big prayers lately and I have been getting some pretty big answers too. 
Tomorrow, I want to begin to try to express the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. I'm sure this one will take some time... and a lot of seeking Jesus. :-) But it is something that I want to do.


I was thinking about how much I love to be creative though as I was cleaning up and I just asked God, "God, how creative are you?"... and then He laughed... and I did too. He is the Creator of Creativity! (Mind blown!) He created everything! He created the entire world. He created me! I am His masterpiece. More than that, He created me in His image. Jesus is wearing a body like mine right now. He has eyes, hair, skin, fingerprints. Jesus has his very own fingerprint. He is so beautiful. I am created in His image. 


Genesis 1:26-27 

"Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."


Wow. 


Psalm 139:13-18
"For your created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand- when I awake, I am still with you."


There is so much that I want to write out that I don't even know where to start!


When I began to paint, I knew what this painting was going to mean to me. I knew exactly what its purpose was. For me it was a reminder of His grace. I saw the whole picture in my mind before my brush touched the canvas. I pretty much knew where it was going to go when I got finished with it too. 
When God created me, He knew all of that and more. He created me. He knit me together. He saw my unformed body... just like  saw the blank canvas. I don't think that it is a coincidence that verse 16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God put those two independent clauses together for a reason. I thought me up before he put his brush to the canvas. He planned it all out. His thoughts are precious. 


I am overwhelmed at the thought of that. 


I said that the next thing I want to paint is an expression of the fire and love in Jesus' eyes. After my mind was blown by God being the creator of creativity, I asked, "Jesus, what do your eyes look like? Can I see your eyes?" (It's a crazy question I know... but I've been praying crazy prayers lately.) 


That's when I realized He has real eyes, just like me. 
Jesus, The savior of the world has eyes like mine. Are they blue? Green? Brown? I don't know. But I know he has real eyes. 
That's when it hit me. We are made in His image. He is a man. I can see a glimpse of His eyes when I see his children's eyes. Eyes of love and acceptance. Eyes of passion and fire. Eyes that burn and heal at the same time. 


I have some pretty great, Christ-like people in my life that I can talk with about my failures, joy, dreams and desires... but I don't think I have ever looked them in the eye when telling them of my failures or secret dreams or the desires I have deep in my heart. I have feared what I would see in those eyes. I have feared that I would see disappointment, shock, disapproval, rejection, or scorn. But Jesus' eyes are filled with love and joy. Jesus Laughs. He smiles. Jesus looks at me with love and acceptance. If these people that I am able to talk to have his eyes, I should see those same things in their eyes. I have avoided them because of fear of rejection for so long. Because of this, I have likely missed out on seeing the acceptance, love and joy of Jesus in their eyes. Jesus uses his people to show his heart to the world. How much have I missed because I feared rejection from his people, an ultimately, from him? 


Back to that verse... His "EYES SAW my unformed body" and his thoughts toward me "outnumber the grains of sand."




Lastly,
When David sinned with Bathsheba, he told Nathan he sinned... but Nathan replied, "Yes, you have sinned, but God has forgiven you." So while David was beating himself up for his dumb choice, God had already forgiven him and was waiting for him to move forward. 
It is sometimes extremely difficult for me to forgive myself. I try to walk around in self condemnation. So much so that the enemy doesn't even have to try to get me to beat myself up... I just do. But today I re-realized that God Forgives. He doesn't hold my mistakes or sin over my head, waiting for me to mess up just so he can remind me how awful I am. He totally and completely forgives. He is waiting on me to forgive myself and move on though. He won't do anything until I get up out of the dust and push forward. I realize that my unforgiveness towards myself and my self pity is a major hinderance to my freedom and growth. It keeps me in the trap of the enemy... when Jesus has already set me free. 




Today was an intense day to say the least. :-) 

Things change

Tomorrow we drop my brother back off at The High Frontier. Time went by way too fast once we got off ranch. I don't want to leave him again. I miss him already. I don't want to say goodbye again. It really sucks every time.
Today we swam and had a lot of fun. He and I had dinner together. It was fun to talk with him about his plans for the future. We ended up sharing a milkshake after. He was set on surprising me with flavor and actually did a great job. It was yummy! He is so cute sometimes. :)
Tomorrow we are going to go up to this spring and swim one more time before we bring him back. I don't want to think about that though. It is going to be really sad. :(

Wow, Things change...

 About a week before the intervention.

New Orleans trip a day or two before the intervention

First visit: December 2010

Second visit: March 2011

Third visit: August 2011 (this week)

So much has changed. 

Texas 2

It's soo HOT! It's not the humid kind of heat that I am used to hating, but it's still terribly hot! It would be easier to deal with if I were able to lay out and get a tan... but that won't happen until Sunday probably.

Justus is getting so old! I can't believe that he is 16 already! It feels like just a short time ago, I held him for the first time... He was soo sweet and tiny...

We helped Mom get her facebook up and running... This is her profile picture. :) She is trying to be "cool"

I can kind of relate to this little tree I think. More to come on that later. 

Even though I don't like the weather in the middle of the day, the mornings and evenings aren't so bad... and I really like the scenery. I know that it's not much... but I really do love looking out and seeing the beautiful mountains around me. It's fun driving through them. Every time you look at them, they look different because of the way the sun hits them. It really is wonderful! 

The more time I spend out here, the more I know that I want to do some sort of residential treatment. If there were no other reason for Justus to be out here other than to help me fall in love with residential treatment, then his time here is worth it! He is learning and growing so much!

Today, during lunch one of the guys in his group had asked to come have lunch with us so that he could talk to me. I thought it was super sweet! He is going home in ten days and is excited, but wanted to talk to me about several different opportunities he has back at home. I encouraged him to get a mentor at his church. He said that was definitely something he saw that was possible. He asked me all about missions... That's what he wants to do. He is planning to go to Haiti or Guatemala in a year or so. He asked me all about what mission trips were like. He also asked a lot of questions about neighborhood work I do in the ghetto! It was a treat being able to talk with someone who is ready to be home. Even in the (completely non related) little conversation we had over lunch, he gave me a lot of hope for Justus. The majority of the kids out here have been to several different treatment facilities before coming here... but THIS is where they got help. This is where they recovered. I am glad that Justus has come here first. It gives me hope to see the progress that is being made. Even though it is still rough at times, he is still learning. 

Another thing that I really love is being able to talk to the therapist out here. She is super sweet! So fun to talk to. We had a family session the first day in... (I didn't know we were going to have one...) but it was totally comfortable! I didn't feel like it was really weird like it was last time. I was able to talk with her alone for a few minutes today. I had a question about Justus. She was super helpful and encouraging.  We also talked about school and social work. It is so fun being able to talk with other people who have similar careers as I want to have. It really makes me excited about my future! :) 

So far, it's been an excellent trip. I don't want to have to leave here... One, I dread the ride home.... 16 hours... Two, I hate leaving my brother. :( Oh well, time for tears later. Much fun to be had for now! 

Texas

I'm in Texas visiting my little brother! I got to see him today for a while. He has been acting up a lot lately, so he is on restriction. He can't leave campus with us until Sunday.
I like being able to see him though.
It's kind of weird. I love him so much and I miss him a lot, but at the same time it's really weird being here. I don't really know how to explain it.

I thought this was a fun picture of us

I'll have more pictures to put up later. I am really tired though and am not in much of a blogging mood. :)