Long Time Coming... From the Depths of my Heart

I decided tonight that I was going to journal through what has been going on for the past...many months. I'm not sure how long I will leave it up. I don't know if it is something that I want forever on the internet right now. But knowing that there are only 4-5 of you who will read this I think I will choose to go ahead and trust you with this part of my process. We are all really just walking through our own processes. Some of us are going to painful things right now, others are just pushing through and praying for strength cause honestly, we are just ready to quit this thing. It's taking more than we bargained for when we signed up. I know for me I have had to reevaluate what I meant when I told Jesus I was giving him my life. Didn't I know when I made that commitment I was pretty much saying "hey devil, here's the target, right on my heart... go ahead and shoot those arrows at me." Life sucks sometimes, but it is sooo Good... because HE is Good. It is worth it. Every single moment. He is worth it. 

Here is the (rather long) journal entry from tonight: 

For so long I have believed that God was the one who caused the abuse to happen to me, or rather because he didn’t stop it, He wanted it to happen to me.  I have felt less loved by God than others because He didn’t protect me from the abuse in the way that I thought He should. I have strived and worked for years to be loved by God. I have worked so hard to make Him love me.

A couple Friday nights ago we had a saturation night at the end of our youth leaders' conference. This night I began to understand so much about God and about the abuse.

Rewind to December 2011-

I was challenged by a friend to ask God where He was when I was being abused. I did. God showed me a picture of Him holding me. That’s all I saw, me in his arms on my bed in my childhood bedroom. 

That realization was great. It meant God was with me. He didn’t leave me all alone. 

Wonderful.

A couple months later, I have this question-

“God, if you were there, then why didn’t you stop it?”

At that time I saw another picture of God holding me while I was being abused, same situation…me crying, him holding me. Only this time, he was holding someone else too.

 He was holding my abusers. 

At this I became extremely angry. If God was close enough to hold both me and my abusers, then why did he not stop them? If he loved me then surely he would have protected me from the abuse. This must mean that God doesn’t love me. He was punishing me for something. He didn’t really care about me like I thought. 

Maybe he was actually holding me there so that I couldn’t get away from the abuse.

What a thought... God?

Shortly after my initial anger began to settle down I heard this-

I am faithful to my Word. I will never leave you or forsake you. I am always with you.

Ok, great. He didn’t leave me. I know that. 

But why did He let them take advantage of me, and why was He holding them? 

A loving Father would not allow that abuse to happen to His daughter.

Then I realized… 

Not only was God my father and faithful to His promises to me… He was also my abusers’ father.  He would not take away their free will, even though it infringed upon my rights. 

He held them. 

I realized in this moment that God was showing me His love for them. 

My abusers were hurt just as badly by the abuse as I was. 

They are accountable to God for what they did to me. 

I am accountable to God for what I do with the opportunity that I have been given. 

I say that I have forgiven them. And I believe fully that I have. However, I am beginning to see that just as a father on earth loves his child even when they make messes, do bad things, or make mistakes 

God loves us even when we mess up. 

He loves my abusers and wants them to know Him. He wants to heal their hearts just as much as He wants to heal mine.

Ok, so at this point, I am beginning to work through the image of a loving God holding me and holding my abusers at the same time. I am working through my anger at God for not protecting me from the abuse like I thought He should.

Back to that wonderful Friday night-

Someone came over to me and laid hands on me and began to pray for me. I can honestly say I have no clue what she prayed… I couldn’t hear her between the music and her very soft voice. Apparently it didn’t matter what she was saying because I began to hear the voice of God so loudly and clearly.

Stop blaming me.

I realized that I have been angry with God for so long. I have been blaming him for the abuse that happened to me. I realized that God didn’t point me out and say, “That girl Joy deserves to be abused.” It was the enemy. It wasn’t God’s fault.

I heard God say

I want to use it for my good like I promised, but I can’t because you won’t stop blaming me for it.

He told me that he has wanted to use this for so long but I haven’t let him because I have been busy being angry at him and holding on to it. I haven’t let it go and because I haven’t let it go, he is not able to use it for good.

Stop blaming me, I didn’t do it to you.

He is good and can do only good.

I have believed for so long that because God didn’t protect me from the abuse in the way that I thought He should that it means that I wasn’t worth protecting. 

I see how that belief has transferred to so many other areas of my life. Especially in my trying to work for love because I felt like He doesn’t love me, and that in myself I am not worthy of love from anyone. 

LIE.

I told God how bad the abuse sucked. I never had told God how horrible the abuse was. 

I’ve told Jesus, but never God. 

I know that sounds silly because Jesus and God are one in the same, but to me Jesus was the one who loved me and died for me… What did God do? God was some far off concept that I didn’t understand and was angry with. How could “Father God” love me?

I heard the Lord say in a new way that He loves me, He didn’t cause it to happen and that I didn’t deserve it. I heard Him affirm me and express his love towards me. 

I have never experienced such an overwhelming brokenness before the Lord before tonight. 

It was a total “God, here I am” moment.

I realized that God had so much mercy and grace on me through it all. It could have been so much worse. He did protect me. It could have had much worse affects on me than it has. He did protect me. It just wasn’t in the way I thought it should look.

I spent a couple weeks processing through all of that.

I have never cried like I did on that night before. 

I was wrecked. I allowed my brokenness to be exposed.

 I think that allowing myself to experience the pain of my abuse was a huge step to freedom. I have been numb to it for so long… using other things as painkillers that are equally destructive to numb the ache inside of me.

Tonight, I revisited the question of where God what when I was being abused.

Everyone knows the verse about our bodies being the temple of the Holy Spirit and how the Holy Spirit lives in us. 

That verse is usually used in reference to things that we do to ourselves…overeating, getting tattoos or piercings, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around… that kind of stuff right? 

It’s usually used to bring conviction… more like condemnation… when we are thinking about doing something to our temple.

Well, tonight I saw it in a new way. (Thanks to Jesus and the Good Women Project!)

When I was being abused, the Holy Spirit was abused.

Every inappropriate touch that I felt, He felt. 

Every painful or humiliating thing that was done to my body, was done to Him too. 

He was right there in the middle of the darkest moments of my life with me. 

He never left me. 

He didn’t look the other way. 

He felt everything just as I did. 

He knows my pain better than anyone else ever will because 

He was right there feeling it with me. 

The God of all creation felt the same pain that I did with me in my darkest moments.

This verse lost all of its condemning threats tonight. 

Every ounce of “Don’t mess up God’s property” vanished when I realized that this verse speaks so much more than what we should and should not do. 

It brings such deep healing.

It is a waterfall of healing over my dry and broken heart.

Am I fixed?

No.

Do I need to be fixed?

I don’t think so. 

God loves me right where I am. He is not afraid of my brokenness. He is not angry at my mess. 

He is with me. He is perfectly okay with me where I am. I don’t have to be perfect or “fixed” or have it all together because I am perfectly loved by the King of the universe.

If you have read this far, you are an amazingly patient friend. I cherish you. 

Feel free to leave a comment if anything I said made something "click" for you. We are all in this life together anyway, we need each other. Desperately. I'm learning it's okay to let people see my flaws. They already see most of them anyway, why not share them with others who can walk with me on this journey? 

Romans 12:9-16 talks about the kind of community that I want to be part of-

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.  Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!"

Lastly, here is a link to the article that helped me to my revelation tonight... If you or someone you know has been taken advantage of it might be good for you to read. It outlines the thoughts and lies that go through the heads of those who have been abused. I must say it is right on point.

It's a sad, sad night

My trip to Peru in 2004 was one that changed my life in ways that I can't even begin to explain. That trip was the one that really set a fire in my heart for missions, but it was also the trip that helped me the most personally. I had amazing leaders that summer.

Sadly, one of them passed away today. Garrett Coble, along with two other men were killed in a plane crash in Kansas. There were two others, Hannah and Austin who are in the hospital.

When a friend told me about the crash, I thought it was sad. Those things are always sad. It broke my heart that Hannah was involved, but I was glad that she is stable.
Earlier, some time after I heard about the crash, I looked at a link to an article on the crash. The article listed Garrett as having died in the crash. It instantly went from something that is sad that happens sometimes to My God, how could this happen.
Garrett is one of the major reasons that I love missions. He had just gotten engaged. My heart just broke.
I don't understand why this happens. I don't need to understand why it happens. That's not my place. But my heart aches knowing he is gone. and it aches for his fiancee and family. Holy Spirit come and comfort.

My thoughts are jumbled and I don't know what else to say. I am thankful that I know he is in heaven, but it doesn't make me feel any less sad. 

Part one

Having mono really stinks... Having it during finals week makes you feel like dying.

There are several lessons that I am learning right now, but I don't have time or energy to fully explain them all. I really just wanted to quickly get them out so that I can come back later and finish writing though them.

I've been very materialistic lately. "Needing" stuff. Yeah, they are things that I need, but not necessarily at this moment. Things for my trip, dumb things like shampoo... I need it, but could wait another week before buying it, new colored pens (I LOVE new pens, but I don't NEED new ones right now... the ones I have work just fine.) I'm usually not one to just spend money on stuff. Yeah, I am willing to pay to get a pedi every few weeks... but I don't normally just buy stuff to be buying it. I'm usually very picky about what I spend my money on. That's why it has been so weird for me to realize that I am doing this.
Here's the lesson- When I am feeling empty, I look for ways to fill that emptiness. This time it happens to be through buying stuff that I will eventually need. I think that part of it right now stems from being overwhelmed with everything that I need to do for finals. I feel like that by getting stuff I will need for my trip, I am being productive and preparing... when really, I'm just trying to make up for my lack of preparation for my trip. A huge part of the emptiness is caused by my lack of emotional connection to people and ultimately the Lord. Since I am so sick right now the most emotional connection I am getting is with my pillow and my textbooks... I have very limited social interaction. Mom and I have spent a ton of time together, it has been really, really great. But I still am not getting the emotional connection that I really long for. I haven't been spending QUALITY time with the Lord since I got really sick. When I'm awake I'm studying. I've had worship playing... but that's not quality time. We have had some really great moments where I have had divine revelations, but what I am missing is that time where I just sit and wait for him, rest with Him. It's dumb because all I can do right now is rest and study, but I haven't been resting in the right places. I've been resting in front of red box rentals with mom and dad or in bed with notecards and study guides... Not with my bible, journal, pen and Husband. I'm craving the intimacy that brings rest and healing to my soul.

I want to talk more about these next two things after finals, it will give me more time to sort through them and I won't be so tired and pressed for time then either.
One- After Jesus died on the cross, He never mentioned it again. The pain, rejection, agony, or betrayal... He never again spoke of it. Why should we be any different with difficult experiences in our life? This is an intense idea for me... I am so extremely guilty of it. Using past trauma I have experienced as an excuse for why I am where I am now. I will be thinking about what this looks like over the next few days.

Two- When I am praying, am I seeking gifts or the gift giver? What is the purpose of prayer? These questions will be on my mind over the next few days.


I have like 4 new books that I am looking forward to getting back to reading after finals is over.
Really, I'm looking forward to doing a lot of things once finals is over! :)
For now, I am going to shut this down and GO.TO.SLEEP.  

He knows the Stars...

There is so much going on that I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to even begin to explain what is going on in my heart in this season. I started reading this fantastic book. It's called You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth. It is wrecking me. It talks about how we don't have to do more or be more to be good enough for God. We are enough. As women I think that sometimes we feel like we have to be perfect and do everything right and if we don't then God doesn't love us. We constantly compare ourselves to others and berate ourselves when we feel like we don’t measure up. I know that I have even felt like God is comparing me to other people. God is up in heaven and leans over to Jesus and says something like “Joy sure doesn’t love me as much as her friend does.” Or “Joy is not using her gifts as good as that one is.” But the Truth is that God fully delights in me. He doesn’t compare us to each other. So why should we compare ourselves to anyone else? He says we are enough.

I am learning what it means to be enough.

Recently I decided that I was going to just step out of every thing that I have be working in. I decided that I needed a break. I had been neglecting my relationship with the Lord and was tired. I wanted to just have a season of REST. I have been so busy doing that I had began to burn out... bad. 

What I have learned about rest is that it's not about not doing anything and sleeping all day. That's not the kind of rest that my heart longs for. (However, I do love sleep!) The kind of rest that I have been needing can be explained in this little acronym... (and yes, I came up with this one by myself!)

Relationship- stop striving, realize that He's got it under control. I don't have to DO anything for him to love me. Things will not spiral out of control if I take a minute to relax and respond to His love for me.

Enjoy- life with Jesus is fun, not burdensome. Pursue things that make my heart happy.

Surrender- I don't have to bear His burden.

Trust- He has never failed me. I can trust that he has it. Rest isn't scary. 

I am learning what it means to rest

God is an emotional God. He is not some emotionless being that looks at us and is numb to our emotions. He isn't afraid of our strong emotions. I am deeply emotional. He is deeply emotional. We read throughout the Bible that God has strong emotions. He is a God who laughs. But he is also a God who weeps. He gets angry. But he restores with his compassionate love. He is not turned away by our emotions. He wants us to feel. If He didn't want us to have emotions or if her expected us to hide them all the time he wouldn't have given them to us! It is okay to not be okay sometimes. 

I am so guilty of being "good" all the time. In the book that I talked about earlier there is an entire chapter on emotions. It has completely turned my view on emotions upside down. 

I am learning that emotions are good

Relationship with God isn't about what we can do. How many chapters we read in our Bible or how many girls we bring to a youth service. That's religion. Relationship is about quality, not quantity. Honestly I have spent more time with God in the 3 minutes of, "Crap God, I don't know what to do right now. I am so overwhelmed!" than I have in hours of searching the Bible for a fix-all scripture. God just wants us. He wants our hearts. 

I am learning what it means to be intimate with the Lord

An 11 mile journey took the Israelites 40 years. The majority of that time was spent waiting. In my life right now, I find myself being told to wait. I hate being told to wait. I have learned that just because God is telling me to wait it doesn't mean that He is punishing me. Waiting isn't a punishment. When I wait I have the chance to rest. When I wait, I have the chance to HEAL. Healing is something that I am experiencing a lot of right now. Healing isn't always enjoyable. Think back to a time when you were a child and you fell in the gravel and skinned your knee. You mom, being the loving mother that she is, scooped you up and sat you on the counter. She may have even kissed it to make it better. But her healing touch didn't stop there. She grabbed a bottle of peroxide and a towel, maybe some warm soapy water and she began to clean out the dirt and bits of rock. I don't know about anyone else, but when that was happening to me I was sure my mom was trying to kill me! In my mind there was NO WAY that she was making anything better! What I didn't know at the time (and refused to believe it when my mom told me) was that without that pain, healing wouldn't occur. Holley wrote this in her book and it left me in a heap of tears and snot on the floor in my room- "If I wash your feet, will I not wash your wounds?" Jesus wants to reach in and wipe out all the dirt and rocks. Jesus want to take his loving hands and wash our wounds. He is gentle with it. But we have to choose to drop our guard, remove the bandaid we have placed over the infection and let Him clean them out. We have to choose to drop our guard and let him heal, or continue to guard our hurts and allow the infection to settle in deeper. It's scary. I still flinch when I see the bottle of peroxide... but I know it's for my own good.

I am learning that waiting is not a punishment. 

I am learning that Jesus WANTS to heal my brokenness.

He is a good God. He is a real God. He knows the stars. I had a collision with God the other day during worship. I was very overwhelmed. I had a rough week. There was a lot going on. But I connected with the Lord for the first time in a while. Really connected with Him. As I stood there weeping, I heard the Lord say "I know the stars." Now that's the last thing you want to hear when you are wondering if God even cares about what is going on in your life. But in that moment the thing I didn't want to hear was the thing that I needed to hear. Those few words remind me how real He is. How good He is. God knows the stars. Trillions and trillions and trillions... He knows which ones are about to go out. He knows which ones are about to be born. He knows the names, the sizes and the locations of all of the stars. If He knows all of that... the glitter of the Universe... then wouldn't he also know the ones who he created for fellowship with Him?! He knows me. Fully. 

I am learning that He knows the stars. 

I hate the wait

There is nothing I dislike more than waiting.
...waiting in lines at walmart...waiting in traffic...waiting on someone who is running late...waiting on the phone call to tell me if I got the job or not...
Waiting stinks!
The worst part about waiting is that many times you don't know when the wait is going to be over.

That's where I am right now in life. Waiting. And I don't know when the light is going to turn green.
I feel like every area of my life is just ...waiting.
I like knowing what is going on, but right now I think the Lord is just bringing me to a new place of trust in him. I have to trust that He has it all under control. He is not going to allow me to miss the deadline. Even though I don't have any idea what that deadline is right now.

There is so much that I want to do. I just want to busy myself. I know that busy-ness is not the answer for me. I know that this time of waiting is so important. It is stretching me. It is teaching me to rely on the Lord.  But it is SO HARD.

Jesus, help me to embrace this season. Help me to just be still and know that you are God. Help me to wait.

In 19 minutes...

I only have 19 minutes left on my laptop, and I don't want to go get my charger out of my book sack. However, I do want to process though my day. :)
I oversee the world's greatest interns at my clubs. They are Excellent in every way! They are always on time (even when I'm not! Oops!). They always are prepared to share with their kids. They are willing to do whatever it takes to see the schools reached. They are great!

One thing that the Lord has convicted me on recently is that I have been clinging on to my three schools. I want so desperately for the students there to encounter the Lord and be changed by Him that I have gotten in the way. The Lord told me pretty directly the other night that in order for Him to move, I had to take a step back. I am so prone to try to hold on to and control the things that I care for the most. This is human nature. To hold and protect what we love. However, in my desire to protect the schools, I have completely "protected" them from the Lord. And we all know that that equals damage, not protection. This week I have had to take a few leaps back and just let go. I had to say "God, You have totally say over what goes on at these three schools. You love the students there even more that I do. You desire for them to encounter you more than I could ever imagine. You know how to get them to that place too. I don't have to keep going with trial and error when I let you have the seat of control. You are good and you have their best interest at heart."

I was filled with a deep thankfulness for the interns who are serving at these schools today. They are so rad! We could not have the impact that we do with out them. Thank you Lord for people who serve you willingly. They are living out "Your kingdom come. Your will be done"
That's what this is all about. Having HIS will be done in our life to further HIS kingdom.

All of this is for His glory. Every single thing that we do is for His glory. It's not about me.
I love John Tillman music.  The song Humble Me is really the cry of my heart right now.
When I was in middle school, he was the worship leader at the church I went to. He has an incredible gift to bring people into the presence of God. I could listen to him play all day long! :)

Lately, I have been seeing a lot about myself. Good and not-so-good. I have been learning a ton about what it really means to be a leader, and how to more effectively lead. As I am getting ready for my trip to India this summer, I think the Lord is really beginning to weed a lot out of my heart.
Wrong motives.
Leading out of insecurity.
Leading out of my flesh.
It's been pretty intense, but sooo good!

Tonight I got to chat with one of the girls going to India with me this summer. She is so cute. The love that she has for the Lord blows me away. She truly wants to please him with everything she does. She is super talented... Piano, dance... Reminds me a lot of myself at her age! :) She keeps a blog as well. I have been challenged by some of the stuff she has shared there even. She's pretty legit! I look forward to getting to serve along side of her in India this summer!

Tomorrow, I go get fingerprinted for a position that I would love to have if it's God's will. :) Then I am going to meet my parents in Alabama. :) Fun road trip for a day!

Well, I am exhausted and need to be up in a couple hours... and my laptop is just about dead! :) Perfect timing.

Dreaming of India

I have been dreaming about India lately. I'm working on raising money for my trip this summer. It has been so cool to see how God totally is making this happen. From the very beginning when He said for me to go to India, to the selection process to be a Team Leader, to now... watching Him provide the money needed for my trip. He has always been faithful. 

In my readings today I was reading John 1. (Read it for yourself here.) 

You know how there are some passages or scriptures that are just over quoted? Well, John 1:1 is that for me. But today it really came alive for me. 

verses 4-5 made me think about India...

India is a beautiful nation, consumed with poverty, hopelessness, and false gods. Everyday, millions of people in India wake up and worship over 330 million gods who do not love them and cannot hear or help them. However, I serve the One True God who is pictured in John chapter 1. He is the God who gave life to everything and His life brought light to everyone. India is a nation filled with deep darkness, but I believe that the light is going to begin to shine in that darkness and nothing will every be able to extinguish it. 

I am overwhelmed each time I think about how God became man. Fully man. He is the lamb of God. The one who paid the price to take away the sin of the world. He paid the price so that we can be his children. Salvation is free for us, but it cost Jesus everything. 

Here is the verse that I am holding on to today- Psalm 2:8 "Only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance, the whole earth as your possession." 

I'm not only asking for India, yes, I expect great things to happen there this summer, but I am asking even more for Denham Springs. I want to see the walls fall down at Denham High. I want to see the high school students realize how much they need a savior. I want them to encounter the cross in a way like never before. So God, I am asking for Denham Springs. :)